Once again. Wordless Wednesday full of words. This Wednesday I am exploring things which make me insanely happy. Giddy even. These items are never fail mood enhancers. I had to edit down as the list got ridiculously long. So. Wordless Wednesday.


Yesterday I received a curious missive from a young lady I do not know. Lately I have been getting lots of those African dating scheme emails and I was JUST about to delete it when an unusual name which belongs to a friend of mine caught my eye. Annnnnnddd... Then my day went wacky from there.

This distraught woman was writing me to inform me that my friend was cheating with 15 to 30 other women. I find this HILARIOUS since we are not together. As I read more I am in the throws of extreme laughter as she gives me all sorts of details about what is going on. From my standpoint NONE of this concerns me at all. If anything it was going to be a good chuckle. So. The letter. On and on she goes about all sorts of women my friend has allegedly played. THEN.. It HITS me. The part of the letter I actually DO care about. And I quote, "he says YOU are the reason he is this monster" and "he says YOU broke him". Oh ho ho! Hold on! Je crie a mon frere! Don't lay your heartache at my doorstep!

I must move backward to move forward. This villain in question was my college boyfriend. We were together for 5 years and I consider him the love of my life. As all young relationships go, it wasn't always cotton candy and champagne kisses. We had our problems.  I admit I cheated on him. I KNOW he cheated on me. We never really officially broke up, we just faded away from each other. Flash to 2008. Through the power of the Internet, we found one another again. Over months of long revealing emails and phone calls I THOUGHT we had gotten everything straightened out. I figured we both atoned for our past sins. He assured me that it was water under the bridge and even encouraged me to contact his best friend and his mother. Since then we have become close again. Very close. Well as close as you can get to a Scorpio, we are a secretive lot.

Secrets! Ostensibly someone has all sorts of secrets. The only one I am concerned about is the resentment still harbored toward me. Whatever is going on with the women running like trains in and out of his life, is none of my concern. I actually do not care at all. The whole idea I created a monster. A cheater. A player. The breaker of hearts. Which makes me ponder.... Can someone be blamed for another's behavior? Check Yes.. Check No

In my field, I deal almost exclusively with people who blame other people for their outbursts, reactions, and behavioral issues. With some clients, events in their past is like red dye in a can of white paint. They are forever changed. But. Am I the red dye in his can of paint when he was doing the same thing I was at the SAME time? Signs point to no. Am I the fall guy for malconduct and misbehavior? Signs point to yes. Being a person who likes to look at situations from multiple sides, maybe I am to blame. However, as a reasonable adult one would think he has grown out of such playeristic behavior. I mean come on! We are in our 30's now! Long time since college. As humans we are in a constant state of evolution. Surely he has evolved. Then again perhaps he is happy using women to work out some sort of misplaced anger towards me.

Well. I am coming full circle. The answer or MY answer is No. I am not to blame for whatever is going on. I did write the young lady a very kind letter back suggesting she get therapy (my standard form answer for more situations like this). I haven't heard from him. I doubt I will. He always keeps his cards close to his chest. But not close enough, as he was busted by inch high private eye. Whethere all of this is true or not isn't by business at all. I just hope the loose cannon isn't going to do anything crazy. Well more crazy than sending people several emails and accusing them of being the reason a man is a player.  My advice in the future is two part. 1. Stop slacking on your pimping. Don't be so sloppy next time. Or 2. Talk to someone about your issues with the monster maker. I know a great person who is a very good listener. She works for cupcakes and loves you very much. After all. You are still her best friend. 
I am a lemon cleanse drop out. A total failure. Basically, the lemon cleanse and I got along as well as BP executives and "the little people".  I came, I saw, it kicked my ass. The lemon cleanse is just not for me.. or anyone else who enjoys chewing.
2 pounds above organ failure Beyonce post Lemon Cleanse

I admit, in my battle to lose weight I am pretty apt to try ANYTHING people drag across my doorstep as long as they use the magic phrase "you can lose a lot of weight doing this". Many times (read every time) I hear this good sense takes a vacation and I readily jump on the crazy train hoping the last stop will be thin town.  So yeah. I was reading some ladies magazine which I noticed they all have "weight loss secrets" articles in abundance, and saw the lemon cleanse article. The before and after picture was compelling enough for me. Picture one. A slightly chubby woman in an extra tight swimsuit looking uncomfortable in front of the camera. Yah. I identify with her. Picture two. A uber thin woman wearing a slinky bikini grinning like  a simpleton in front of the camera with amazing abs and a sultry come hither pose.. Yeah.. I can identify with HER too as that was my permanent look last year. So. Lemon cleanse it is for me! I have no shame. I am a sucker for good marketing.

I went to the grocery store which was a task for me in and of itself. I hate the grocery store. I DO like the  liquor store, but I digress. I grabbed a basket and wheeled around gathering the necessary ingredients for this diet. Lemons. Check! Grade B Organic syrup.  Eye opening expensive but check! I had the cayenne pepper at home as when I DO cook it is usually something spicy. I make a killer shrimp puttanesca.  Along the way I also picked up some fresh fruit. Good idea. Wine. Not such a BAD idea. Gourmet cheese. Not a VERY bad idea. I managed to refrain from adding a key lime tartlet to my basket thanks to Anne cheering me on.

The very next day I made the concoction. 12 lemons later and my hand was cramped. The drink itself isn't bad. BUT.. You are ONLY allowed to drink the cleanse for 4 days. ONLY drink. I tried my best. I truly did.. My motivation was Beyonce losing weight to be in Dream Girls using this method. 8 of these spicy lemonades a day. I still continued going to the gym but I did modify my exercise routine to one less strenuous. It wasn't long before my head became fuzzy. I would forget small things. People would talk to me and my mind would completely wander. (usually I do this trick on purpose) I was tired. I was CRANKY. More cranky than usual, people noticed! At work it was as if I was flying through the halls on a broom.

Finally good sense kicked in and I got off the wagon. Well actually I was asked to watch the World Cup at a local sports bar and the smell of real food was too tempting. The urge to chew was too compelling. I ordered the biggest, greasiest, baconest burger I could get my hands on and a MOUNTAIN of french fries. The first couple of bites made me feel sick but I am not a quitter! (well I am actually) Once I was finished eating, I managed to get a red velvet cupcake in my system as well later that night. In for a penny in for a pound. I don't have any of the mixture left and frankly I am not going to make anymore of it. Squeezing all of those lemons for just basically a day's worth of cleanse was tedious. I have better things to do with my time. Like go to the batting cage with my new pink baseball gloves, or waste hour upon hour on twitter. So. I am a lemon cleanse drop out. Would I recommend the diet? Perhaps. To someone who has more willpower than I do, and anyone who doesn't have teeth or enjoys chewing. I will just stick to working out.

True Blood has sorta taken over my life. I did not get into the show until the second season.  At first I thought all those chenzy southern accents and all sorts of weirdness going on was over the top. Then one night on Twitter people were talking about how cool it was, so I thought I would give it another go. I'm glad I did! The ramifications of watching True Blood is you become OBSESSED with it. Sunday has turned into my favorite day of the week.

 During the period between seasons I started buying the books and watching the reruns. I would talk for HOURS with other True Blood fans about the characters as if they were real. Like.. who would we sleep with (100% said Eric) and who would make a great friend (Lafayette). We would talk about why Sookie is so pressed about weak ass Bill. Sad isn't it? True Blood is the equivalent of my grandmother's "stories" which she would watch religiously Monday through Friday.

I have no idea why adults watch Twilight. It is just foolish as hell. What vampires traipse around during the day? Who thinks a Volvo is a sexy car? Vampire families made up of teen vampires? Diamond skin twinkling in the sun? Scary villain vampires that really haven't done a single thing badass? The whole creepy love story sans sex? All of this pish posh makes me yearn for Anne Rice to slap that silly woman who pens the Twilight sagas. She should be punished by all vampire loves around the world. Vampires are sexy and secretive. Not going to high school! If they are hundreds of years old, why would they attend high school? They have nothing to learn, as they should already know it by now. Hell.. The Twilight vampires should be the damn TEACHERS in the school. I admit my knowledge of Twilight stuff is kept relatively low as I could only stomach 1 movie. But I did see they are selling Twilight perfume. My guess is it probably stinks just as much as the franchise. Maybe worse if that is possible.

And on a final note. If Eric Northman is auditioning for a new sex slave, I would be more than happy to audition!

Wordless Wednesday
Dedicated to Friendship
and some of the happiest moments of my life
with my dearest friends

Not too long ago I made a public declaration that I was going to wage war against fat. Since then I have had some really crazy moments. One of which was to scrap all of my current friends, replace them with heavier ones so that I could call off this whole weight loss foolishness and hang out eating blueberry pancakes and chicken fried steak. Buttttt. I thought better of it and trudged on. SO. Let’s wrap up the last week shall we?

For some stupid ass reason decided to take a Spin class. I heard all sorts of things about it, which I sorta ignored and focused on “You can lose a lot of weight doing this class”. So. What did I do? Spin class. Let’s just say.. The class is ROUGH. At first I was thinking, “hey this is easy peasie”, but as the class progressed my eyes stayed less on the teacher and MORE on the clock conducting a countdown till the conclusion of this torture. 45 minutes of thunderous music and a man screeching to stand up sit down; crank up the resistance, yadda yadda yadda… I drank an entire liter of water BEFORE the class was over. I knew I was going to suffer immediately after I dismounted (fell off) the bike and hobbled/ drug myself to the car. Needless to say I was immediately on the phone bitching to Anne that I suffered Death by Spin Class. What’s worse.. I was hurting in places I would rather not hurt. I expected for my legs to get a good workout which they did, however my inner thighs and ass hurt so bad I slept on my stomach for 2 days. I skipped the gym the next day.

With ass and inner thighs feeling somewhat better yet not totally healed, I got the idea to try.. YOGA. In my mind I thought I would stretch a little, meditate, and have a low impact good time. Oh ho ho how wrong I was! The teacher decided to teach a more advanced class than she usually does. Which baffled me considering 5 people in the class (including me) told her this was our first class in years. We spend 45 minutes contorting our bodies into shapes it was not constructed for. Under regular circumstances, I have amazing balance and grace. In this class I was a clumsy Shrek-like oaf.  Stumbling all over the place. Trying to replicate some semblance of what the teacher was doing.  I felt like a big fat yoga failure. Strangely enough, I received the same results Spin gave me. An extremely sore body which every step was amazingly painful for 2 days after the class.  But at least this time I didn’t have to sleep on my stomach.

After a day off from the gym again, I estimated Zumba class would be fun. The yoga  (torture) teacher recommended it and once again I zeroed in on the magic phrase “you can loose a lot of weight doing this class”. So a Zumba I will go.. The class was PACKED.. Good part nobody was watching you dance too closely. Bad part, you couldn’t see the teacher who was this adorable Latina who spoke no English. The entire class people were bumping into each other trying to see the instructor and grasp the steps. The class was fast paced and fun. Luckily growing up in Latin America I am very comfortable with not only the music but the steps are second nature to me. Hell.. I shake my ass all over my house for the fun of it. One of my classmates told me this particular teacher isn’t good and to come back when the better teachers are instructing the class. Fine with me. I like this. Now I remember why I was so thin during my 20’s. I was dancing damn near every night for hours and living off of cheap vodka drinks. But hey.. I had a rockin body.

And in diet news… Nothing good to report. Exactly.. NOTHING GOOD. I have stuck to the memorandum of no fried foods and sugar. Blah blah boring . I have noticed once I cut back on the processed foods and started taking vitamins I am feeling better. Then again it could just be junk science. Correlation does not equal causation.

Annnd then my psycho moment of the week. I have started to notice my muscles are toning up and my face is looking smaller. Sadly my core Is still all.. yucky.. So yucky in fact I just KNEW I was pregnant. Rationally I know I am not. First rule of getting pregnant is you actually have to have sex. But I digress. I was so freaked out about Immaculate Conception, that I took pictures of myself and sent them to my friend who is actually a titch crazier than I am. Once she talked me off the ledge, I decided to start doing the lemon, syrup, pepper cleanse. Sooo.. I will update on that next week. So there you go. If you thought I was nutty before.. You now have no doubt now.