I don’t exactly know what they put in the coffee but to say it is potent is to say Hurricane Ike was a small thunder shower. The coffee could most-likely be used as fuel for your vehicle. It could fly jet planes! It is STRONG. After three sips you could run a marathon, write an award winning novel, bake better than Martha Stewart, and find Bin Laden. This concoction gives you not only the energy, but the confidence you can do anything. I call it the magic elixir. It can make the blind see! Hell.. Once I drank half a cup then went on a  stroll outside and could have sworn I saw every crater on the moon.
Now that I have adapted to the coffee culture, I am searching for a cool mug. People are possessive about these mugs too. If they catch another person using their own personal mug.. well… Can we say epic battle? There is a creepy voice saying “well done” or “finish him” or “flawless victory” like Mortal Kombat. As keeping with my tradition of loving everything pink and hello kitty, I am hunting around the internet for the perfect Hello Kitty mug. One.. I love Hello Kitty and two.. It will keep the men from using it by “mistake”. Although I have been itching to try out my restraint hold moves!

The saying when a door closes, God opens a window is an old adage I am not sure I can put full faith in right now. Recently I found out the one true love of my life has a girlfriend. Yay him. Boo me. What a direct blow to my heart. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for him as he is such a great guy he deserves all the happiness the world has to offer, but there is a selfish part of me which is completely crushed. Like.. Seriously.. Crushed coal into a diamond crushed. Egocentric Oracle, that’s me. I never claimed to be a saint. I tend to stick to what I am good at; focusing on me seems to be working quite well post-divorce.



I’ve always believed once the marriage was finally over, I would move back to the East Coast, and start my life over..Fresh.. Renewed… Focused.. In this scenario, he would come riding up on a white horse (or in his case a black SUV) and sweep me away to my fairy tale happy ending. I mean come on.. I suffered over 5 years. I have paid my dues. Cue happy ending please, complete with cheery music and a blue bird on my shoulder. Alas, this is not going to happen, which leaves me to wonder what is next.. I like to plan things out. In fact, my plan A’s have sub plans and the sub plans have sub plans which have contingency plans that lead to plan B’s.. Like the shampoo commercial, and so on and so on and so on.. I don’t have a plan B. It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t eventually be together. Hell. Psycho me, I even had an R inscribed on my Tiffany bracelet as I KNEW my new last name would start with an “R”. Totally psycho. But not as bad as the chick on Say Yes to the Dress who bought a wedding dress but has no groom or even any prospects. PSYCHO!

So now. What am I going to do? Leaving Texas is not an option. That is totally going to go down. I don’t believe in needless suffering. The love of my life has moved on. Ok. Got it. Time to think of ANOTHER master plan. The door has been shut in my face. Slammed.. There is lipstick on the door.. I know now that we will never get back together. Check off of list. Now I am stuck in the room with the padlocked door and impatiently waiting for a window to appear. Hell, the window doesn’t need to be opened for me. My new contingency plan includes a crowbar for me to smash the window wide open and get out all by myself.

As everyone clearly knows, I am obsessed with Hello Kitty. I wonder if secretly I am Asian and my parents have been pulling the wool over my eyes for years. After all.. I was born in Thailand, but I digress. My Hello Kitty obsession is epic. I become fixated on a Hello Kitty object and cannot let go till I own it. Right now I am hunting for the perfect Hello Kitty license plate cover. So far no luck. But I did stumble upon something so wonderfully kittylicious, that I froze my credit card in a ziplock bag as not to order it online.

What may you ask is so fan-kitty-tastic? It is the Tarina Tarantino Hello Kitty Bride Necklace! Oh how I love it. Number one, I am and have always been a pearl girl. I have strands and strands of pearls. White, champagne, chocolate, pink, blush, black.. I love pearls. Second I love Hello Kitty! The combination of Hello Kitty and pearls is so much of a win win for me that when I saw the necklace online a gleaming light shone upon my head and angles sang in my ears. Yes! I MUST have this necklace.

People are getting on my damn nerves!


I love when people give you unsolicited and just as unwanted advice. Or worse yet.. Their opinions! Shut the hell up! Yes.. This blog is going to be a ranty angry rambling blog, bear with me if you will.. When did it become acceptable for people to share every single opinion they have on topics they know NOTHING ABOUT? Fox news is notorious for this but the trickle down effect has permeated society. Random people are always handing out their opinions like Halloween candy. Look.. I do NOT CARE what you think. If I DID I would have ASKED “Hey.. What do you think”. Since I KNOW I did not.. Don’t tell me! Sheesh. I just want to sew people's lips shut. However, I choose the less invasive alternative and walk away.

This all has to do with why people make me feel like I have to JUSTIFY my divorce. Don’t judge me as if I am a quitter or I didn’t try hard enough or I should give him more chances to grow up. Look.. You didn’t walk in my painful shoes. Shoes that pinched my toes, caused calluses, and rubbed my heels raw. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors! People can be ever so charming to people they don’t live with. It is easy to keep up the façade outside the home. Even Ted Bundy was a charming handsome devil, however examine his track record. Exactly. So don’t give me that pitying look and tell me I should seek counseling. Uh.. I am a psychologist and in my estimation I sorta know when it is time to throw in the towel! People do NOT change! Do not fall for this fairytale. People DO NOT CHANGE! They just don’t. They may modify their behavior for a little while and when it is safe they revert back to the asshole they always were.

Confession 2713.. I am the woman that wives fear. I am the co-worker who others secretly resent but never confront. I am the chick male co-workers always compliment and attempt to sleep with. I am the co-worker that seems to always get away with murder without repercussions. I am.. The office seductress.

As far back as I can recall, I have *always* garnered favor with my boss. Male or Female. Gay. Straight. It never seems to matter. The first official job I held, I ended up sleeping with the manager. Yep. We did it. A whole lot actually, right by the Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake pans. The things we did with chocolate and those delicious cookie crumble bits from Caravel! Buuuuuut.. We were both college students. So perhaps this delicious liaison is excused. The rest of my college years, I used my allure to get the prime bar shifts, the best schedules, and when I wasn’t in the mood the luxury of leaving early. Did this pattern stop after graduation? Umm.. Sadly no. I have am intoxicated with my own power and use influence over the boss to get my way. I mean.. Who wouldn’t if they could get away with it?


Over the years, I may not have exactly slept with my managers or supervisors, but I have used the carrot on the stick to get my way. With NO SHAME! This trick has works pretty damn well too. Manipulation comes naturally to me. I don’t even have to plot or plan. It is just too easy. I am convinced it is one of my talents. Rarely has my charm not succeeded in cushioning my work experience. The crux of this tactic is to never actually have sex with anyone. Just give the illusion like one day they might actually get it. Women are not immune to my tactics either. This has never ever ever ever come back to bite me on the ass. Never ever ever ever ever. I suppose I am just so damn good at it. I can navigate the cooperate world like Magellan and come out unscathed. Do I sound cocky? Well. I AM COCKY. Residing on the top of the food chain for years has given me a certain caviler attitude I can’t seem to shake.

Soooo well. I just started a new job. When I was hired my direct supervisor was a woman. No problem. YESTERDAY I found out I will be working for a man. Not just any man. AN ATTRACTIVE. SINGLE. MAN. Danger Will Robinson Danger! I can’t wait to see how this pans out. It is not like I am going to go to work with an agenda of wielding control over my supervisor, butttttt I am sure eventually it will happen. It always does. I know the signs. He spent much more time chatting me up than he did any of the other new hires. Second, he shook my hand with both of his, then held on to my hand entirely too long. It is all in the eye contact too. I can tell he is on the hook. All I have to do is reel him and I will be well on my way to coming in when I feel like it, pay raises not exactly on merit, a better parking spot, long leisurely lunches, time off, and a bevy of other perks. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Too bad I have no intention of curing this condition. I am perfectly happy with it. You shouldn’t get your meat where you make your bread. Unless you are a master chef like yours truly.

Coke is the debil.. Or devil, Azaael, Beelzebub, Old Scratch, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Iblis, Shaitan, whatever you give a name for great EVIL.. That is what Coke is! Coke is my Sugar Devil. I LOOOOOOOVE Coke. Every Monday I start the week off declaring I am not going to drink one singe Coke the entire week. Every Monday afternoon I have consumed at least one Coke. To me.. Coke is like a bad boyfriend or a case of the Herp. I can’t get rid of it no matter how hard I try! I just need it. Like no.. I NEED COKE. If I don’t have it, I start getting cranky. This foul mood will escalate until I have re-upped my Coke intake. Then the world is instantly fine. Until I get my Coke, I am HELL IN HEELS! I have done my very best to break the Coke habit but to no avail. And I mean I have tried EVERYTHING. I even promised myself IF I made it through one week without a Coke, I would buy that Gucci watch I’ve been eyeing. Alas.. The watch is STILL in the store. I just can’t turn my back on Coke. It goes with EVERYTHING and it is EVERYWHERE. Examples.. JACK and COKE.. Delightful.. Coke and ice cream equals a Coke float.. Stupendous. Long Island Iced Tea minus the Gin.. Legendary! I sipped Coke all throughout Italy this summer looking like an International Lover.. Of Coke that is. So.. There is really no running away from Coke as it is a Visa card.. Everywhere I want to be. Oh well. I give up. I am going to STOP deluding myself into thinking I can kick my Coke habit. It would be more feasible for me to find the Holy Grail or get conservatives to stop trashing Obama. Instead I will just sip the epervesent charming drink that currently resides to the right of my computer. Ah bliss! There is very few great joys as the first sip of a Coke..Spiked with enough JD to make me think giving up Coke is foolish. Here’s to you sugary soda which rots out millions of teeth annually and gives Americans fat sugar belly guts! I love you so! Even if you are bad for me.