Today it dawned on me… I really need to fully commit to my weight loss goals.. Last year I had managed to loose 30 pounds.. I looked great.. Felt great.. Things were good. Now.. A year later and saddled with all sorts of setbacks, I have managed to FIND 20 of the 30 pounds I lost. What the HELL?!?

The culprit… The diabolical combination of Frustration with it’s evil twin Depression. You Fuckers! I am so upset with myself. Seriously.. My frame was not built to support these extra stones. It just isn’t. I am not only short, but I have a small frame. I am meant to be a tiny petite pixie.. Not some Umpa Lumpa  rolly polly. When I pass the mirror I am always stunned when confronted with my reflection. I do not know this person who is looking right back at me. 

So.. Yeah.. Time to buckle down.. I can totally do it too. I’ve done it once so doing it twice isn’t hard. I just have to DO IT. And there in lies the problem. I sorta don’t feel like it right now. I also do not feel like being tired all the time. Looks like I am having a stand off at the Cupcake Corrales. What to do.. What to do… I need to psych the psych.. I’ve been using positive reinforcement and little by little I am making small changes, which will result in larger ones.

First of all. I did hire a trainer months ago.. I just didn’t honestly want to exercise. The excuses I gave this man were epic.. Like.. My uterus is falling out so I can’t work out today. OR.. My hot water heater leaked all over my house and I have to wait for a repairman.  OR.. I am having an emergency. Well that was sorta true.. I needed to go shoe shopping to cheer myself up. Either way.. I think he caught on quickly and told me to take a month to get “my life straight” and we can start over. Well my month is coming to an end. May is going to be my month to get it together again.

So here is the game plan.. No more fast food.. No more eating out of any kind.. Broiled or baked chicken. Turkey. Green vegetables.. Water water water.. Nothing white. Nothing processed. Lots of fruit.. No candy.. No.. GASP.. CUPCAKES! No soda..  Cut back on the excessive napping (on a good day I can have First Nap, Second Nap, and Third Nap. On a marathon napping day, I managed to make it to Fifth Nap) Cut the TV off. Listen to music more. Exercise exercise exercise… (Weak yaaaay) From the plan he gave me it looks like I will be doing 45 minutes of cardio switching between the Stairmaster, treadmill, and elliptical. Then 3 days a week I will be lifting weights. This part I actually like. I love lifting weights. I hate cardio.  When I take Puppykins to the dog park I will not allow myself to languish on the bench. From now on I will run around like the loon that I am. 

 More of This

 Less of Sadly.. This :(

I owe this to myself. I can’t let myself constantly be depressed about situations that I cannot control. It is not like my life is hopeless. It is just going to take time to pick the knots out of it. So. Bye Bye extra weight.. I do not need you. Plus my face isn’t cute enough for me to be a big girl so I must return to my normal size. TY.

(Drinking my last Coke as I type this)

FIN

Well I have had Frasier for about 4 months now and I can say with great confidence; he is shaping up to be a great dog. It was touch and go for a little while, but now things have balanced out. We know each other now and can finally enjoy the other’s company.

To this day I completely believe I picked him up from the breeder way way way too early. Puppykins had no idea how to be a dog. He was this whiney mass of fur and sounds which although delighted me he also drove me crazy with his constant mewing He needed too much attention. I was really starting to regret getting another dog and really really missed Willie. Housebreaking a puppy just isn’t fun at all. Then the magic happened. Puppykins got older. We started going to the dog park weekly… Now he is an amazing dog. I love him so much and can’t recall a time when he wasn’t around. 

When I come home in the morning from work he is waiting patiently (rather impatiently) for me to let him out of his crate. No matter how tired I am I smile and say, “Release the Kraken”. That is his cue to dart out of his cage and run to the back door. We nap together, play together, watch TV together.. Go to the dog park. Go to Pet Smart. Whenever he is in the car he has to have one paw on my arm as if he is helping me drive. This never fails to make me smile. We have our own schedule. We do our own thing. Puppykins and I are a motley crew and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have to send a special prayer of thanks to Willie, because without him teaching me how to be a great momma, Puppykins wouldn’t be as well taken care of as he is. Willie broke me in, taught me the ropes, and for that I will be forever grateful for the 17 years of uncondional love he gave me. Willie.. I know you are never far away, and although I love this new bundle of silliness, he will never ever take your place in my heart.  I love you Willie.. You are my best friend and always will be. Keep Dad company till I see you guys again.

FIN

One of my favorite songs by the Dave Matthews Band is Dancing Nancies. It is basically about who you could have been. It makes me think could I have been anyone other than me. The answer is . Yes.

There are pivotal people and pivotal events in your life. Things that change the trajectory of your future irreparably. Some you identify way way way to late. As I was driving home from work this morning I realized, I could have been a totally different person if I hadn’t screwed up over 15 years ago.

I was living with my soul mate. There is no doubt in my mind this man is and will always be my soul mate. We had the easiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man and I took it totally for granted. Our connection was so strong we had entire conversations without staying a word. Plus the sex was phenomenal. We just got each other without any effort at all. We had our differences and the tiniest of spats but over all being with him was one of the highlights of my life. This man is and will always be everything I could ever want in a friend, lover, partner and I screwed it up. 

The grass is not always greener on the other side but we would always like to believe it is. I had no idea relationships could be so difficult, taxing, draining… No idea. Being with him was so easy and natural I just assumed it would be like that with every man. Ah.. The ignorance of youth. I have lived many a lifetime and learned not everyone gets along as easily as we did. I learned the hard way; I was where I should have been all along. Which brings me to Dancing Nancies. I SHOULD have been someone other than the current me.

If I had married the man I was supposed to things would be so different. I would be loved and treasured by someone who never tried to change be but celebrated who I was every day. A man who would have taken care of me instead of allowing me to carry the weight financially and emotionally for years. I would have been with a partner who knew when to step in and when to step back. A man who knew my birthday and remembered to bring home little I’m thinking of you gifts. A man who made me laugh and kissed away my tears when I rarely cried.  I would have finished college earlier and chosen a different profession. I would have children now. I wouldn’t be stuck in a place I hate but lived all over the world going from country to country just like I did when I was a child. I would have had an intellectual equal. A sexual equal. Someone who encouraged me to grow and not felt threatened as my star rose. I would have had a mother in law I adored and a brother and sister in law, which I would be close to. There would be pets in the house, which feel like a part of the family rather than on the side of my team only. I wouldn’t have been forced to work several jobs to no avail. The entire family would have attended church regularly. I would have had the wedding I wanted and my father could have walked me down the isle.  I could have gone on amazing vacations with someone as well traveled as I am. I would have shared a bed with someone who wanted to be in it. Woken up every day with a kiss and eaten breakfast for dinner.  All holidays would have been celebrated and I would have decorated the house accordingly.  I would not have learned the heartache and pain of constant criticism nor learned to hide in closets of my own home to get away. I would not have learned how to recede into my own thoughts to escape the blitzkrieg of disappointed looks. My family wouldn’t have been worried about me for years. I wouldn’t have an eating disorder. 

Yes. I could have been someone other than me. I would have loved to be her. Turn turn we almost become dizzy..

FIN

My connection with the universe is uncanny and I have a talent for knowing what is around the corner. Usually I meditate or through dreams, the future comes to me. When I listen to my inner voice, good things always happen. I’ve made my best decisions using my intuition, and the worst ones when I ignored it. Lately, I seem to be offline and unfocused. I know where I want to go, but the pathway to get there seems to be veiled from me at the moment. So. I decided to rely on an old trick of mine. Cards.

Oddly enough I do not particularly use tarot cards, but I do have a set of non-tarot tarotishlike cards. As always the answers to my questions made me laugh, cry, and gave me insight into things I need to place more focus on and things I need to just let go.  I am always shocked how dead on they are.

Results:

A: Not now but you could bring it about if you cared to do so.

A: Yes if another person can manage it.

A: You can do so.

A: Very kind, good-humored, but might be wiser (don’t know how to take this)

A: Several (really? Damn. When?)

A: a short journey with a pleasant ending

A: Yes in spite of many errors in judgment.

A: One you know and one you do not know yet. (Creepy)

A: Half the time they have already lasted.

A: Not if you can see your way to another arrangement.

            Asked again for more clarity

            A: NO! (lmao)

A: It will demand a great deal out of you and recieve it (no truer words said)

FIN

Given my profession it is almost impossible to believe, but I am terrible with communication. Let me be more succinct. I rarely ever tell people what is really on my mind. I prefer to let them talk/vent and just discuss surface things because it is well.. Easier. I like to keep my thoughts private, as they are malleable and fluid. I am constaintly reconstructing my thoughts and opinions. I might be completely married to an idea one day and totally against it another. To keep confusion at a minimum.. I just keep my mouth shut.

Another facet to this is.. well.. Some things I just can’t bring myself to tell people. I just do not want to hurt their feelings, bring up anything unpleasant, start an argument… By some people’s standards, I have many inauthentic relationships with people because I am lying to them by default. Withholding information, thoughts, feelings, and ideas is being deceptive. I have mulled over this for years, yet still cannot manage to change. When people are making the mistakes of their lives I sit on the sidelines and watch rather than being the Minch friend who is nagging telling them to cut it out. However, I am the friend who helps people pick up the pieces and rebuild their shattered lives. I don’t think I will ever be able to give unsolicited or even solicited advice. Especially if it is negative. But.. If I could.. This is what I would say..

Things the Oracle Would Tell People If She Had the Guts

I am sorry I cheated on you.

The reason you don’t have any friends is because you are a terrible friend.

You need to pay me back the $1,100.00 you owe me. Bitch!

I never loved you.

I am in love with you.

I am glad you are in jail.. You are a child molester. You betrayed the trust of my parents. I am forced to carry YOUR secret because if I ever told it would destroy the family. I hate you.

You really get on my nerves.

Your friendship is very draining.

You are the reason I got into psychology.

Your mother is the reason why you have crappy relationships with men. Blame her.

The man you are in love with is an ass.. He will eventually hurt you.

Stop playing yourself for men, they are not worth it.

You are an alcoholic.. Admit it.

I know you are lying but I play along.

You are more of an adversary than a friend.

Your spending habits are the reason you are always broke.

You are living in a dream world.. Wake up.. This is getting ridiculous.

We might be related but we are not family.

I avoid you because you are living the life I expected to live.

You are a disappointment to me in every way shape and form.

I almost killed myself thanks to you.

My eating disorder stems from your comments about my weight.

Nobody liked you.. They still don’t.

You are not as clever as you think you are.

You really sucked in bed and not in a good way.

You came up on the come up.

Delusional delusional delusional!

I hate the inconsistent way you treat me but I put up with it.

You are such a bitchass..

FIN

Who were you in a previous life and does karma follow you into this one?

Whenever something adverse happens to me the first thought that always runs through my mind is… “Damn karma!” Funny thing is.. Many times I blame my misfortune on something that happened in a previous life rather than something I did in this current one. Cosmic payback from lives past. My bestie and I are always playing this “game” of how horrible we must have been in the past to deserve the crinkles in our days in the present. So. Lately on the heels of my awful marriage, I wonder what in the world did I do in a past life to garner such bad karma to suffer so horribly in my present life. Here are a couple of ideas: