Things I Learned Working Retail This Holiday Season

This year I picked up a part time job working retail for some extra scratch. Honestly, it was more for the discount than anything else but I like to tell people I am working to pay off credit card debt. It sounds more responsible than I want a 20% price cut on my Bobbi Brown make up.  As a result of working at the mall said credit card debt didn’t exactly diminish, yet it didn’t increase either. So perhaps it is more of a wash? Maybe? Either way. I have some cool new stuff. FINAL ANSWER.. I did manage to pay down my debt in the loooooong run so the retail job did more good than harm. 

I study people. Truly I do. Sometimes I feel like a scientist and people are my living experiments. I scrutinize their behavior and then make hypothesis on behavioral patterns and outcomes. Not to brag but I am rather proficient in predicting how people are going to act. This skill really comes in handy at the Nut Hut. Hence I have a Nut Hut record for not getting assaulted, spit on, or cursed out. I am running a year strong too. But I digress. People. Are. Crazy. Working retail reminded me that people who are considered “normal” or “regular” are.. CRAZY AS HELL.
I am rarely stunned by what people do. This year.. I was rendered speechless.

Exhibit A- I was walking to the restroom, which is located in the Junior’s department when a woman accosted me and asked me to see what size jeans she was wearing and the style number. Before I could inform her I work in the jewelry department, she turned around and pulled her pants down so low I could see the better part of her ass. Then she looked over her shoulder expectantly at me and reinterated that she needed to know the information on the inside of her jeans. Luckily I recovered quickly and provided her with the information she requested. Then I made a beeline for the ladies room before another crazed customer bothered me with bra size or something worse.

Exhibit B- Why do people come to the FINE JEWLERY department looking for something under $100? It is impossible. ALSO if you are purchasing diamonds and the cost is under $500 chances are the quality is NOT GOOD. So do not inform me the diamonds are cloudy. OF COURSE they are cloudy. They are cheap diamonds. Now, if you are in AFRICA and pay $500 for a diamond I am sure the quality would be better as it hasn’t been marked up oh say… 300% before it hits your hot little hands. So to recap. There is nothing in the fine jewelry department for about $100 no matter how you hunt in the case trying to locate a deal. I work there and basically know how much everything costs. There is no way you can outsmart me on the price.

Exhibit C- There is a difference between a department store and a bazaar in Asia or the Middle East. We DO NOT haggle on the price. The price is just that.. The price. Finding a flaw or trying to be charming will not lower the price. It will just get on my nerves and cause me to yank the item out of your hand, slam the case shut, and walk away mumbling about swap meets and pawn shops. Do not waste my time.  Also there is no layway. Do not mention layway to me. It drives me nuts.

Exhibit D-If you are purchasing a piece of jewelry and the stones are small don’t you dare ask for a certificate of authenticity. Are you kidding? Why authenticate diamond sparkles? When the stone is so small you need the Hubble Telescope to indentify it is even a gemstone, there is no need to have a piece of paper standing behind its quality. It is of little quality hence why it is being utilized in supporting role manner.

Exhibit E- When the store is packed, I am NOT going to call another store looking for something for you. Number one the sales associates I am calling are just as busy as I am and secondly if they are anything like me, they will pretend to look for the item but in reality finish ringing up the customer they are working with then return to the phone after a believable amount of time to inform you they do not have the item in question.

Exhibit F- If you want something, but it THEN.. Chances are when you come back the item will have sold out. If you like it there are lots of other people that like it as well. And they aren’t going to be wishy washy. If you don’t pull the trigger and get the item after you have spent mover 40 minutes of my time, I am going to do my best to sell whatever you wanted to the next person. It may be mean but you need to learn a lesson. Time waits for no man, and neither does Oracle. I am quite proficient at selling things people are “thinking about” and when they return giving them a sarcastic smile and saying “you snooze you loose”.

Exhibit G- The closer to Christmas, the more stuff costs. Retailers know last minute shoppers are desperate so they raise the prices. The better sales happen in November or early December. Then prices steadily climb. It is the same principal of the conscience store. They charge and arm and a leg for things which you can get at the local grocery store for MUCH LESS.. People are paying for a concience. Believe me. They are praying a premium. 

Exhibit H- When people work on commission do NOT keep coming back to the department looking at the same piece with different sales associates. It causes friction in the department when you finally buy the item. Each person feels the sale belongs to them and there is no way to split the sale. So basically someone is going to feel slighted as you used up time they could have been spending with another customer.  Also, don’t as “Do you work on commission” then ask me to ring up clothes. For that matter, do not bring clothes to the jewelry department anyway. We do not have large bags NOR do we have the means to take off the censor tags.  Return merchandise in the SAME department you purchased it. When people bring pots and pans and ask if they can return them with me I look at them like the dumbasses they are. Common sense people. Common sense.

Exhibit I- If it is December 23rd or 24th do not tell me you are “getting ideas”. You jackass. There isn’t any time left and practically no inventory. If you saw something online and we don’t have it in the store we sold out. Don’t get pissy about it. You should have purchased it online.  I can’t make it appear. If I had magical powers like that I would make most people DISappear.

Yep.. For a  psych working holiday retail is like being in Candyland. I had a great time.  Beer is good, God is great, people are crazy.. (I love that song)


Prince wrote no truer words than "I can't make you love me if you don't.. I can't make your heart feel something it won't". This lyric can be applied to so many things. From vegan food which totally can't make me love it no matter what to relationships with people. Matters of the heart are so arduous and I am not speaking of romantic matters solely. Even friendships can be laborious. No matter what you do, you cannot make someone care about you if they don't.

Spending copious amounts of money will only leave you financially strapped. Losing weight will provide you with a healthier frame, yet the emotional damage of the rejection which looms around the corner doesn't offset the benefits of the weight loss. Eventually emotional eating will win out and the weight will return like a scorching case of herpes. Devoting lots of time and energy to the person will make you look desperate. Thirsty even. Doormat. Easily used. None are enviably places to reside. Yes. There is no way to make someone give a damn about you if they don't.

Lately I feel like I am in the gruel line for attention from a friend. I get the minuscule allotted amount of consideration and like Oliver Twist I find myself begging for more. "Please Sir.. May I have somemore?" Please like me.. Please pay attention to me... Please approve of me.. I will do anything.. Change everything... Transform into perfection's perfection. Just to be validated.  Why am I here? Why am I in this place?

Friendships should be mutual. Not one person bearing the burden of a friendship like Atlas with the world on his back. Two way streets don't have a singular car doing all of the driving. If I want any contact with my friend I am the one who always has to call or text or set up a lunch or meeting. Then.. Like clockwork.. It is canceled. I don't even get the graciousness of a phone call a day or even hours in advance. Instead I wait and wait and wait till I finally break down and call them AGAIN to get the something has come up thing. Well. Not anymore. I don't run programs like that. I am not going to let anyone devalue my friendship. If my dog and pony show aren't appreciated I am just going to pack it up and move on to another more agreeable town.

I have been known in my day to cut people off cold. So thoroughly I actually forget they exist and when people question me about said person, I usually have a blank stare reaction. I think it is time to pull out my old playbook. Reciprocity is important.  Unlike Bernie in Waiting to Exhale, if I am not getting what I need, I am damn sure not going to give anyone what they want much less need either. Hell.. I feel better already. Dead weight was been lifted off my shoulders. I have more time and energy to dedicate to the people who deserve it. There is a Herculean test to be worthy enough to be part of the Circle of Trust but once you are in the rewards are great. However, unlike a roach motel, once you are in you can get kicked out.


The holidays are upon us, and I have been thinking of the art of giving gifts. Believe me there is an ART to giving a gift. Not everyone is an artist.  People are frantically running around stressing out over selecting the perfect present yet, honestly I am quite sure there are going to be more reactions like this no matter how much deliberation has been put into the gift selection.

Yeah.. You know it.. The what the fuck is this face. Followed by the what the fuck were they thinking scowl. It has happened to me more times than I can count. At this stage in the game, instead of letting disappointment set in, I just smile a tight little smile and rush through the awkward moments.

So. What would totally suck if found underneath the tree? All of these things!

Victoria's Secret lotions and potions and body products. P-U.. Stinkalicious! They are too scented and smell cheap. Basically they suck. Try Jo Malone instead. Far more tasteful.

Trashy lingerie. Men know it is actually for them rather than for us. Women aren't as stupid as we pretend to save your egos.

Any household appliance or something meant for cooking or cleaning. UNLESS they specifically ask for these things. Otherwise skip it. A gift is something you wouldn't buy yourself. Rather than something you need which you will purchase anyway.

Fake purses! The horror! Fake purses are just.. Awful. No matter how much people try to deny their fake purse looks fake.. we know.. we know..

Pandora bracelets.. I just hate these things.. They are from hell.
Self help books. 
Now.. If something from these places makes it under the tree.. I would actually be nice.. For.. About a week or so.

Who can go wrong with Tiffany and Company? Uh.. Nobody!

David Yurman.. Swoon!

Oh yeah.. If I had a goody from one of these designers, it would be a very merry Christmas indeed..


I came across a list of things men/guys wish women knew. As I was reading said list, I thought.. Hmm.. This all makes sense. I find myself setting men up for failure all the time. It would save a lot of grief, silent treatments, emotional spending and eating if I just let go and stop expecting men to be more like women. After all.. I have plenty of women friends and if I want a certain type of nurturing, skip the middle man and go straight to a woman. As a consummate altruistic soul, I will share the list. I must be in the holiday spirit.


1. Sometimes guys don't want to talk. No need to take it personally. Call a girlfriend and gab away.

2. Helpless is so not cute. In fact it is overrated and stupid.

3. Men are single minded. Don't talk to them while they are doing something. It throws them off. They will either ignore you or totally screw up what they are doing. 

4. Too many self help books in plain sight make them nervous.

5. Do not ask questions like "Do you think she is more pretty than me" as you may not like the answer. 

6. Men do not go shopping. If they need something they just buy it. Like a recon mission. In and out.

7. Couples like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones make men proud. Sort of like our Pretty Woman fantasy. 

8. Sundays = Sports. No way around it. 

9. Crying is blackmail. 

10. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Not even strong ones. They will not pick up on nuances in conversations or well placed pictures with things circled in red Sharpie. 
11. Yes and No are typical answers to almost any question and quite suitable. 

12. Don't fake it otherwise they will keep doing the same thing that doesn't work. FOREVER!

13. If something a guy says can be interpenetrated two different ways, be sure the one that DOESN'T make you angry is the one he intend.

14. Relationships are NEVER going to be like the first few months you started going out. It is like chasing a drug high. Never as good as the first time. 

15. If a guy asks "What's wrong" and the reply is "Nothing", they will proceed as if nothing is wrong. Hey.. You said noting. 

16. It is not in anyone's best interest to take a magazine quiz together.

17. Either ask a guy to do something OR tell him how you want it done. Not both.  Nagging doesn't work well either.

18. If you want to vent about a problem go to a girlfriend. A guy is going to give you solutions whether you are seeking them or not.

19. It isn't that guys do not want to make women happy, sometimes they just don't know how. 

20. If it itches... It WILL be scratched.


I could not let this day pass without mentioning it is NATIONAL CUPCAKE DAY! Come on! Best day ever! So, I would like dedicate a post to my favorite cupcake bakeries of all time. Without them.. I would be cupcakeless or basically eating muffins. In no particular order here are the best cupcake bakeries I have been to in the United States.

It is such an honor for a bakery to make the Cupcake Cup as my opinions are so very important.. I had to laugh at that.

The Cupcake Collection

Sprinkles Bakery
Magnolia Cupcakes
Georgetown Cupcakes
GiGi's Cupcakes
I am always on the hunt for a new and uber delicious cupcake. Each time I visit a city I try out all the cupcake bakeries I can before my host gets sick of driving me around for little bites of heaven. Anne and I even did a Cupcakes Across America tour. In honor of National Cupcake Day I leave you with words of wisdom and serenity.


What I need is a damn vacation. My bestie Anne and I were going on a liberation vacation this year, unfortunately circumstances totally postponed this trip. Instead I am working my ass off and hopefully next year we can go to the place where it all started for Oracle. I've always thought I was just a bit more special than most people because I was born in an exotic country. Annnnnd.. I'm right.

Since I can't take a REAL vaycay.  I am going to take a virtual vacation to the land of my birth. Here it is! My vacation!
 Yes ladies and gentlemen.. I was born in Thailand.. Bangkok to be exact. Once the juvenile laughter has died down we will continue our virtual vacation.

 I would stay at a lovely hotel in Bangkok

 Basically go to the spa almost every day for  treatments. I am quite partial to hot stone massages.
I would visit the market and eat street vendor food. Health Department standards be damned! I am adventurous and on vacation.

I would also visit the water market for fruit and ambiance.

Why take a regular taxi when you can take a chuck chuck?

I would go see a few Thai dance shows. Their hand motions covey the most gossamer beauty. When I was younger I learned a few native Thai dances. 

I would also eat Thai food in fancy restaurants.

This is the palace where I am  CONVINCED I was born. As you all know I AM ROYALTY.

I would visit  Buddhist temples. After all I am in need of peace and serenity. I would turn prayer wheels and chant with monks in tranquility.
Thailand is known for their sapphires. There is no way in the world I would leave without jewelry. Especially pink, yellow, orange, and blue sapphires. Perhaps some gold and jade as well.

I would also spend time at the beach. Snorkeling and scuba diving! I might even surf and go deep sea fishing. Take boat rides in glass bottom boats and admire brightly colored fish and coral. 

More temples!

After all that excitement I would lounge by the water and read a book.

Yep! That would be my vacation. It was all planned out. Sadly this holiday I am stuck in Texas, but I do have Puppykins to keep me company. So perhaps things aren't so bad.