Sometimes I believe my life is permanently on hold. Let me explain. I feel like my life with *start* as soon as I accomplish something. In high school I believed my life would begin as soon as I graduated. Surely things would right themselves as soon as I went to college. While I was in college I just knew that after graduation my life would be established. Out in the real world away from the comforts of home and family I struggled to define myself. I was no longer my parent’s child nor was the halls of academia my home. So who was I? Solution. Get married. Then my life would start. Once married, I learned that I was constantly living for the next step. I was always focused on the future which I believed had all of the answers and the fairy tale ending which I craved. Yet, with each accomplishment I just refocused myself to yearn for the step beyond. At no time in my past did I enjoy the journey. I paid no attention to the scenery around me. All I did was focus on the next and ignored the now. This caused me to miss out on so many wonderful things. They just did not make a blip on my radar as they were the current and not the future. I’ve learned the future is not always the cure for what ails me, and the right now may be the treatment which will guarantee the well being of the future. I’m glad this realization blazed into my right now, because I can’t wait for the future to change my current.

So. I said I would blog more in the New Year to extract things that swim around in the canals of my mind. I tell my clients all the time they should write things down so they can decipher what the problem really is without all of the clutter marring up their focus. In my case, I know what the problem is. This one BIG problem has created all sorts of little problems which scurry around and make life difficult. It is almost like the movie Gremlins. Something cute and cuddly got wet, and then turned into something horrible, destructive, and just plain undesirable. Unfortunately bright lights do no harm to my Gremlin. I don’t want a Mogwai and I damn sure don’t want a Gremlin. I just want peace and quiet. Living in fear of the other stiletto dropping is taxing at best and ageing at worst. I have all the answers for everyone else. Hell.. I have all the answers for myself as well. One thing I am rather good at is facing reality. If I were on the Titanic, I would have been one of the first people on the boat with all of my furs and jewelry rowing the hell away from that damn ship. I know when to walk away and when to run. Usually I manage to avoid the fallout. This time I think I will suffer from some back draft. However, is it worth staying in a situation that you know is going to only get worse for the sake of being a good person? Or should you love yourself more and cut and run? I choose the latter. Just like Samantha Jones in the Sex in the City movie.. She loved him, but she loved herself more. I hope in 2009 women learn to love themselves more. I want them to put themselves first. And to have conviction that nothing can defeat a woman with a plan.
(I am NOT in an abusive relationship or anything like that.. So no need to call the shelter on my behalf. I am just annoyed and fed up.)
So random things about me. I have read other people’s renditions of this task and now I have put my fashionable hat in the ring.
1. Strange but true. I was born in Bangkok, Thailand. I love saying Bang Kok. When I was younger, I hated being teased about Bangkok. Somehow teenage boys put a sexual connotation on the name of the city and would make it sound Hustler dirty. Now I think being born in a foreign country makes me exotic and special.
2. I loooove Hello Kitty. Like seriously. I love Hello Kitty. Right now I am wearing Hello Kitty PJs. I even have Hello Kitty checks and random other Hello Kitty items. If I have to buy a gift for a little girl, it most definitely will be Hello Kitty.
3. I am a true Scorpio. All of the negative and positive traits of a Scorpio reside happily in me. I am convinced these traits make me an effective psychologist. It is easy to diagnose a psychotic person when you are psychotic yourself. On the flip side having the reputation of being a Succubus in bed is a great calling card to have.
4. My favorite colors are pink and apple green. I am secretly very girly. The public persona I present is aloof, reserved, and sleek. On the inside I am extremely preppy and girly. Don’t let the affection for black clothes and skyscraper heels fool you.
5. I weigh myself constantly every day. Every time I go into my bathroom I weigh myself. Isn’t that obsessive? I did mention I was psychotic.
6. I absolutely HATE meatloaf. If I think about it too long I can make myself throw up. People have been trying to Jedi Mind Trick me into eating meatloaf for years by promising me their meatloaf is the “best ever”. It never is. No matter what people put in it, meatloaf is baked hamburger with superfluous junk in it.
7. I have an older brother. I rarely talk about him. We are 8 years apart in age and millions of light years away in temperament. His name is Nicklaus. My Mom got jiggy with the spelling of his name. He is about as German as German Chocolate Cake, which is a recipe that originated in Texas.
8. I read a lot! Seriously.. I am a voracious reader. Magazines, newspapers, books, comic books, anything interesting on the internet. I love to read. When you read as much as I do, you start to get an elitist attitude. You acquire knowledge about a myriad of topics. Enough to be a good guest at a dinner party but not enough to write a dissertation on any specific topic. BTW I am in grad school so I am tired of writing dissertations and thesis papers.
9. Prince is my favorite artist. I have been following his music since I was a kid. I adore Prince. Actually the song Adore was going to be my wedding song. But his more obscure songs are special to me like Girls and Boys, Starfish and Coffee, Its Gonna Be a Beautiful Night, Shy, Let’s Have a Baby, and Call My Name to catalog a few. My adoration of Prince is something I share with my best friend. We can talk for hours about Prince.
10. My favorite flowers are Orchids, Dahlias, and Lilies. I HATE Carnations. They make me itch when I see them. Baby’s Breath is also a hivey flower. They are just so undesirable and cheap. Mums too. Just tacky ugly cheap ass flowers. I once dated a guy who bought me flowers every Friday and they were never grocery store bouquets. Kudos for him.
11. I HATE TEXAS. I truly HATE living in Houston. The heat, the traffic, the lack of aesthetically pleasing landscape, and the people. I miss the green of other states. Hills.. valleys.. It is just flat here. Flat like the standard Texan’s personality.
12. I am extremely close to my parents. Now that my Father has passed away I am even more attached to my Mother. I have a tendency to talk about my Dad as if he is still alive. I wonder if I will ever talk about him in past tense. I still feel as if he is with me and so I speak of him as if he lived next door. Many people that know me have no clue that his energy has moved on.
13. I used to stalk Dave Matthews! My friend Buffy and I should have been committed. Dave Matthews came into the store Buffy worked at and wrote a check. Buffy decided to photocopy his check. Then she got the idea to go to his farm in Charlottesville. Once there she dug up dirt from his property and put it into empty baby food jars. We painted the phrase “Dave Dirt” on them and placed them on a shrine to all that is Dave Matthews. Somewhere along my million moves I lost my personal Dave Dirt. If anyone finds it please send it to me. I miss my dirt.
14. I used to drink.. A LOT. Jack Daniels fine Tennessee Sippin Whiskey. I think of myself as fine Tennessee Sippin Whiskey since my parents are from Nashville, Tennessee. Now I rarely drink at all. Living with an alcoholic makes it seem unattractive. I do have a bottle hidden for medicinal purposes. JD can wipe a cold out of you in a heartbeat.
15. I know who my soul mate is. Many people mistakenly identify someone as their soul mate and really the person is someone they have karma to work out with. Once the karma is completed there is noting left of the relationship. Like an empty bottle. It has served its purpose and now it is just an empty bottle. I feel extra lucky to know who my soul mate is. It takes a lot of the guesswork and mistakes out of my life. Knowing what direction you are destined to go is comforting.
16. I am addicted to facebook and twitter. As a kid I moved around a lot so keeping up relationships is important to me. Well.. Relationships with people I like. I have to make sure I add that caveat. I can be pretty exclusive with my friendship. I am tremendously loyal to my friends but if I feel they cross me I can be vengeful like the furies.
17. If I think someone is stupid, that’s it. No coming back from the label of stupid in my eyes. No redeeming themselves. Like red dye in white paint, forever tainted. Stupid to the day they die. I don’t care of they eventually say something brilliant, it is negated because I think they are stupid.
18. I have dated damn near every nationality of man. Jessie Jackson’s Rainbow Collation of dating. I do have favorites. I like men from New York, Cuba, France, Brazil, Panama, Korea, and Atlanta. From experience these guys work for me.
19. I have a dog named Willie who is 16 years old. When he goes to the great dog park beyond I am going to get another dog and name it Gramercy. Like the park in NYC. I like the name Gramercy. Names are important to me. If I ever have a daughter, I am going to name her Haven. I knew this kid once named Haven and she was the smartest child I have ever encountered. I also knew a girl named Sterling who was a genius too.
20. I love candy! Like anything with sugar and I am there. High Fructose Corn Syrup is a delicious yet dangerous ingredient in everything that tastes good. Crème Brule, ice cream, key lime pie, cookies, candy, cupcakes… I love it all. I have a secret stash of Coke in the house I hide otherwise it would be consumed in a day by the harvester.
21. One Thanksgiving when we went around the table and recited what we were thankful for I said “I thank God I’m smart”. I should have added the word ass to smart.