One of my favorite songs by the Dave Matthews Band is Dancing Nancies. It is basically about who you could have been. It makes me think could I have been anyone other than me. The answer is . Yes.

There are pivotal people and pivotal events in your life. Things that change the trajectory of your future irreparably. Some you identify way way way to late. As I was driving home from work this morning I realized, I could have been a totally different person if I hadn’t screwed up over 15 years ago.

I was living with my soul mate. There is no doubt in my mind this man is and will always be my soul mate. We had the easiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man and I took it totally for granted. Our connection was so strong we had entire conversations without staying a word. Plus the sex was phenomenal. We just got each other without any effort at all. We had our differences and the tiniest of spats but over all being with him was one of the highlights of my life. This man is and will always be everything I could ever want in a friend, lover, partner and I screwed it up. 

The grass is not always greener on the other side but we would always like to believe it is. I had no idea relationships could be so difficult, taxing, draining… No idea. Being with him was so easy and natural I just assumed it would be like that with every man. Ah.. The ignorance of youth. I have lived many a lifetime and learned not everyone gets along as easily as we did. I learned the hard way; I was where I should have been all along. Which brings me to Dancing Nancies. I SHOULD have been someone other than the current me.

If I had married the man I was supposed to things would be so different. I would be loved and treasured by someone who never tried to change be but celebrated who I was every day. A man who would have taken care of me instead of allowing me to carry the weight financially and emotionally for years. I would have been with a partner who knew when to step in and when to step back. A man who knew my birthday and remembered to bring home little I’m thinking of you gifts. A man who made me laugh and kissed away my tears when I rarely cried.  I would have finished college earlier and chosen a different profession. I would have children now. I wouldn’t be stuck in a place I hate but lived all over the world going from country to country just like I did when I was a child. I would have had an intellectual equal. A sexual equal. Someone who encouraged me to grow and not felt threatened as my star rose. I would have had a mother in law I adored and a brother and sister in law, which I would be close to. There would be pets in the house, which feel like a part of the family rather than on the side of my team only. I wouldn’t have been forced to work several jobs to no avail. The entire family would have attended church regularly. I would have had the wedding I wanted and my father could have walked me down the isle.  I could have gone on amazing vacations with someone as well traveled as I am. I would have shared a bed with someone who wanted to be in it. Woken up every day with a kiss and eaten breakfast for dinner.  All holidays would have been celebrated and I would have decorated the house accordingly.  I would not have learned the heartache and pain of constant criticism nor learned to hide in closets of my own home to get away. I would not have learned how to recede into my own thoughts to escape the blitzkrieg of disappointed looks. My family wouldn’t have been worried about me for years. I wouldn’t have an eating disorder. 

Yes. I could have been someone other than me. I would have loved to be her. Turn turn we almost become dizzy..

FIN