I have been struggling to write this particular entry for a while. The level of introspection and accountability I am about to reveal is very deeply personal. I am finally exposing myself for who I truly am and it is not pretty.. Not pretty at all. So here goes.
I am a daughter
I am a teacher
I am a psych
I am a loyal friend
I am a former wife
I am a cheater
There I said it out loud.. I am a cheater. Wow.. I finally said it out loud.
Over the years I have been in many relationships. I tried to explain away my fidelity challenged behaviors as “vine jumping”. Testing out a replacement for the person I was currently with, rather than taking a leap and just being alone. An eloquent reasoning for the ugly truth. Cheating. I would pretty much hop from relationship to relationship whenever I got bored. Sadly, my attention span for being coupled is very very low. I attribute it to being a Scorpio but really, there is obviously something wrong with me.
When I am with someone, once the relationship starts to get comfortable, boring, or just plain old, I start justifying looking for a way out. Then everything the person does is amplified to the inth degree to make them seem far worse than they are. My way of justifying what I am about to enviably do. Have I ever tried to work on the relationship? Communicate to my partner in order to fix it? No. Not really. I would just railroad them in my court of law where I am the judge, jury, and executioner. Sentences would be passed out without the knowledge of my partner. They basically were out their way out without even knowing it. Lambs to the culling. My behavior would change ever so slightly, yet almost impossible to detect. I would continue to do almost the same things but modify my attitude and responses very subtly. I had checked out. Oracle had left the building. During this state of relationship purgatory, I would be on the hunt. The hunt for the replacements.
This.. This is the point where I slip from girlfriend to.. Cheater. I have always managed to conceal my actions but when I first stated these maladaptive behaviors I hadn’t perfected them. So. Basically N caught me with D.. Later D caught me with well.. D caught me with quite a few people. After that I became a master at my craft. There are rules and tricks to cheating and never getting caught and I was Miss Mistoffelees. I could weave such a magic spell on my current partner they would never in a million years believe I had the time, or inclination to step out. But it did. I cruelly justified my behavior by applying the “what you don’t know can’t hurt you attitude” until I officially broke it off. However, my break ups have been ugly as well. My most destructive break up was with D. I just started bringing men home to the apartment we shared. I suppose with him I wanted him to pay attention to me. The more I acted out, the more he receded into himself. My reaction was to wild out even more. We were in a vicious cycle. Eventually I moved out and never saw him again. Flash forward to now. My behavior affected him in many ways I could have never predicted. He has so many emotional walls that no woman since has been able to get close to him. Even now I can’t scale them to get near his heart. Actually I don’t blame him when it comes to me. I wouldn’t trust me either. He has never been married, he has never really committed to one single woman, and recently he was caught cheating. I feel completely and totally responsible for this. It is like a child molester passing down the behavior to another generation. Red dye in a can of white paint, my behavior has forever changed a perfectly good man. The guilt of what I have done has kept me up many nights and ruled my thoughts during quiet times during the day.
I know you are wondering if I vine jumped in my marriage. The answer is no.. And yes.. Although I did not physically cheat on my ex-husband, emotionally I was having my needs fulfilled in other places. I should have been able to go to him to quench these needs but he was either unwilling or unable to do it. So, I sought relief elsewhere. I had several emotional crutches that I utilized. More than half of my marriage I was emotionally checked out. Nobody could cut to the quick of my psyche like he did. My defense mechanism was to retreat within myself for safety. Once I had exhausted my reserves I started seeking out things and people who would and did build me up. Considering I am in outpost Texas it was easy to stay celebrate as #1 I was completely turned off by men, #2 I had no desire to make any friendships here male or female, #3 I was completely disgusted by ANYONE who possessed the XY chromosome combination. Just disgusted. Ugh. (I am still working on not being bitter and turned off by men)
So now.. Now that I am free of the ties that bind, what is my next move? Out into this brave new world where will I go? What will I do? Well. I don’t actually know. Relationships are out of the question. I have a lot of work to do. I have a life to rebuild. Being in a relationship will only complicate things in a time where I need my life to be as simple as possible. I do take comfort in knowing that I CHOOSE to be a different person. I CHOOSE to not exhibit these destructive behaviors. And one day.. If I am very lucky, I will meet someone who will get the best of me all the time, nothing withheld, no deathwatch clock countdown. I will be committed fully for once in my life.