I am that friend who hardly ever gives advice. It always strikes people as odd considering of anyone I would be the most qualified to hand out sage.  Yet, when people come to me venting I am pretty much long on silence and short on advice. My theory concerning giving a friend advice is you are asking for trouble. Number one, most of the time people do not even want advice anyway. They just want to either vent OR want you to validate what they are already going to do anyway. So why interject reality into their world of fantasy?  My rule is to strictly listen and give enough verbal encouragement to signify that I hear their voice. However, there are just those times when you have to say something.

Two of my closest friends are neurotic as hell. I mean it in the cutest possible way. They are sweetly neurotic. One I always tease saying she hits the panic button first and the other I call certifiably crazy as hell. Now. Oddly enough having nutty friends comes in handy. If I ever want to do something I know is completely insane, I call said friend H. No matter what I come up with, no matter how unworldly it seems, it never fazes her.. Not one little bit. The other friend A comes in handy when you want to get all worked up over something. When you have the most miniscule slight and want to make a volcano out of a molehill she is your girl to call. Many times she will be MORE upset than you about the issue that has you pissed off. So to conclude my backtracking.. The people closest to me get no advice from me and are nutty as fruitcakes. 

AS you can imagine I am privy to a lot of their antics. For the most part I sit and listen to anything they throw my way with reverence and monk like patience. However, even Zen Oracle can reach her limit. It is during these small breaking points when I break down and actually give advice. Well.. My type of advice, which is sparse to say the least. Although they each have different situations and completely different approaches to life, I ended up giving them the same advice. They each laminated on and on about their lives and finally the dam broke. I sorta snarled at each of them separately “Get a hobby”. I MIGHT have said get a damn hobby, but that wouldn’t have been ladylike or best friend award winning. The damn part might have been in my head. Amazingly enough, they took my advice.

They BOTH got hobbies. Not only did they get hobbies, their hobbies opened all sorts of doors, which enhanced their lives for the better. H’s major complaint was she didn’t have friends or any fun activities to participate in. Sooo.. She joined the roller derby. At first I was a little shocked by the hobby she picked but hey? I said get a hobby, I didn’t PICK the hobby so what can I say? It wasn’t long before I saw the positive changes in her life. H gained a bunch of friends, lost weight, went on all sorts of trips, and oddly enough met the love of her life. Go fuckin figure! I am so happy for her I could just run up and down the streets passing out cupcakes. She is a far happier person now that she has her “hobby”. Honestly, I can’t imagine her life without the roller derby now. It has become sonorous with her identity. 

Flash forward to A. She recently moved home after a tumultuous marriage. For the first months she wasn’t doing well adjusting to living at home after being on her own for over a decade. Weeks went by and she barely left the house, yet the bemoaning and complaining reached an all time high. Finally.. She got the same advice. Get A DAMN HOBBY.. I think I might have said damn to her. So. She started running. Go A Go! Next thing I know the chick is running marathons! MARATHONS! She went from zero to running races. Oddly enough, the same results apply. She got all sorts of endorphin rushes, lost a ton of weight, gained a ton of new friends, because socially active, and met someone. Number one.. Good for her. Number two.. What the hell? I am passing out this kick ass advice like Christmas candy and not taking it myself. 

I need to take my own damn advice. I need to get a DAMN hobby. SHIT! What the hell? I think the get a hobby advice as a bit of magic in it. Weight loss (sign me up), new friends (sign me up), and meeting an amazing man (HELL YEAH PUT ME DOWN). So. I need to get a hobby, but what hobby should I choose? I am not going to join the Roller Derby. As violent as I am (in mouth only) the thought of getting hit is a BIG turnoff. The roller girl outfits are a HUGE turn on. Especially getting a roller girl name. I sorta wanted an honorary name like “Death by Chocolate” or “Death by Cupcake”. Running? No damn way. I am NOT a runner by far. So that is totally out. I prefer swimming over running. Which basically is a solo deal. No way you can have a swimming buddy. Conversation while doing laps is pretty impossible. So. Hobby.. Hobby.. Hobby.. I recently bought new baseball gloves (they are a delicious shade of pink) and I also bought a new tennis racquet (cotton candy pink). So. Let’s see where this hobby shit goes. At the VERY least I will to lose some damn weight. If I am lucky I might actually get a life and quite possibly a man.

FIN