I know it has been a long time since we have talked. Life has kept me busy, but I would be in remiss if I tried to blame my lack of communication with you on that alone. I suppose I really just don’t have anything fantastic to say. Right now my life is boring and mundane. Like one of my favorite Langston Hughes poems,
Play the blues for me.
Play the blues for me.
No other music
‘Ll ease my misery
Black gal like me,
Black gal like me
‘S got to hear a blues
For her misery
I suppose what I am telling you is that I feel like I have failed you.. Or really like I am a disappointment of epic proportions. You.. A man that came so far, did so very much… Sacrificed so that I could have everything. All that you did still amazes me. Yet, I the golden child. The one who didn’t have to fight as hard or struggle or suffer.. Me. The one you put all your hopes and dreams into.. Me. I have done basically nothing. Sure I got the degrees you wanted me to have. And technically I did get married (to a man I later find out you did not like) but really? What have I done with this life you have given me? Not much.
I have squandered opportunity after opportunity. Lived like some sort of hippy bohemian without true focus or solidified goals. But rather abstract ideals, which seemed pretty damn interesting during the time of conception. So really Dear Daddy.. I am embarrassed. I am so ashamed of how my life turned out and I have no one to blame but myself.
You.. You gave me everything. Never too much though. Just enough. I went to the best schools, had lessons, tutors, classes in manners and poise. You groomed me, molded me, and taught me everything you knew and what you didn’t you found someone who could. It was by your hand I was set up to take this world by storm. And Daddy.. I am barely a gentle rain. More like a light shower if you blink you doubt if it ever happened. You poured the very best of you into me. I can feel it. I know it is here, but many times I forget of its existence as I live this mediocre life putting one foot in front of the other. Trudging along towards obscurity. So now you know my darling father, why I have been silent for so long.
I know you speak to me. I can hear it no matter how much I try to ignore your voice. The sound of a helicopter or a song on the radio reminds me you are not far away. I can feel your presence quite often but I will it to go away as I don’t want you to see me like this. A letdown.. Almost a failure but not quite. Do know that I miss you each and every day. I WISH you were here for many many selfish reasons and perhaps a few selfless ones thrown in as well. I just miss YOU. Your kind eyes, laughter, scent.. I miss your wacky sense of humor and our special language, which only we speak. I can even hear you now, telling me I am not a disappointment.. I hear your voice clearly Daddy I really really do. I just wanted to do more for you. To make you more proud. I know it is a matter of time, and that all my problems will work themselves out through hard work. So. I will work hard. I am going to get that PHD now for you as well as for me. And just like every other time I walked across the stage to accept a diploma, I will have your picture pinned inside my gown. Because of you, I did it. And because of you I will always make it happen. How could I not be tough? I am your daughter. You did the seemingly impossible under unimaginable circumstances. At every turn you beat the odds and came out on top. So I don’t have any excuse. I share your DNA.. And that alone makes me a winner.
Come visit me sometimes Daddy.. I feel better now that we have talked. My focus has been regained. I expect to see you in my dreams soon. I will save a seat for you under our favorite tree.. And bring Willie too.. I miss him.