It is no big secret that since the moment I put my high-heeled feet on Texas soil, I have been miserable. I gave it a chance. Hell I gave it many many chances o grow on me, but let’s face it. Texas is a culture all of its own. One I do not understand nor do I want to partake in. I just don’t fit in here and that is fine with me. For me to become a Texan would cause me to radically change the crux of who I am and that is just not going to happen. There is something to be said for fitting in or even making a situation work for you, but it shouldn’t be done at the cost of your immortal soul. At least, that is what I believe. With that said. The last year has been one of the roughest years I’ve had in Texas. That says a lot. Each year has been pretty taxing and full of challenges; however, last year was the worst yet. 

I should focus on the good things like the AMAZING trip to Italy and the wedding in Jamaica. Unfortunately, they can be overshadowed by the death of Willie and dealing with the demise of the marriage, which should have never been. Through it all, I found coping mechanisms. I am now forced to reevaluate my coping mechanisms and it has come abundantly clear (also with Anne’s help) some of my coping mechanisms are crutches.
I am the type of woman who needs a certain amount of male attention. Considering my ex never managed to get it right when it came to me and sensuality,  I suffered affection withdrawal. Actually I believe I became affection and touch anemic. I rarely had physical contact with other humans. Hugs and kisses of any type were as rare as unicorns. Sex.. Out of the question. In fact.. I can’t even pinpoint when I stopped having sex because it was just so lackluster between us anyway.. It landed in the “why bother” category pretty quickly into our marriage. But I digress. It finally got to the point where touching anyone outside of a handshake felt foreign to me. 

Soon even I noticed I was getting cold and jaded. I’ve always been a bit cool and aloof yet  I was shocked by how I would shrink from affection like a vampire from the sun. (Not the wack vampires in Twilight) So, I in acted a few coping mechanisms. I started talking to people on twitter A LOT. Through these twitter relationships; I managed to bond rather well with a few people. One in specific I ended up opening up completely to. I suppose I used them as my own personal therapist. It took about a few months but I was well on the road to recovery. All the internal dialogues I had with myself through the voice of the ex had pretty much been silenced. My self-esteem was most definitely on the mend. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism has turned into a crutch. 

I am so close to my twitter friend that I do not open myself up for the possibility of knowing people in real life. It is as if I have no need for anyone else. For the most part all of my emotional needs are being met by one person who lives in a galaxy far far away. I don’t feel the need to play Russian Roulette and try to bond with anyone else because I vibe so well with this person. I don't need anyone else.  The best part of our relationship is we are free to be exactly who we are. No best behavior bullshit because this relationship will go nowhere. Ever. We don’t live in the same time zone; we want different things out of life… Hell there is a myriad of other reasons why this will never go anywhere.. ever… failsafe built in. Even with failsafes there are still unwritten unspoken rules to this relationship. Imposed on both sides. We respect these regulations or so I thought.  

Then it dawned on me.. I need to let go of my crutch and walk on my own. I can’t keep hiding at home with the company of someone thousands of miles away. This person’s job is not to entertain me or cheer me up when I am down. They have their own life and it is not intertwined with mine. I am to them, just another person. Nobody of major importance. Just another tweep. So. I am going to put down my crutches and start walking on my own. It is going to be pretty difficult at first because I have become so dependent on them.  I almost believe I have relationship scurvy. Luckily, radical change is my specialty. So. Onward and outward. No more spending time at home reading books and watching copious amounts of television.  It is time to premiere the new and improving me to the world.  It is time to meet people. In real life. I am grateful for my crutches, but I can't be so dependent on them. After all crutches don't need the infirm. They are self sufficient as I am learning to be.
FIN

Comments (3)

On March 30, 2010 at 7:47 AM , Ari said...

You know, minus the negativity towards Texas (I'm a Texan, born and raised, definitely proud) I can totally relate to this post... somehow, somewhere, human contact has become alien to me. I was with an ex (that I am actually on good terms with) at an event over the weekend and when he put his arm around me in a friendly gesture, even for a second, I felt myself tense up. That's not good. And I find myself relying on twitter and flickr for my friends, but I guess the difference is that I WANT real life friends. I just don't know where to find them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone... in your crutch or your resolve. Good luck.

 
On March 30, 2010 at 1:03 PM , Absentminded Oracle said...

Oh WOW! Ari we need to form a support group or something. It is not that Texas is a bad place, it just isn't for me. I am ready to move to New York City where I can give up my car and walk everywhere. As for real life with real friends, try going to a Meetup group. That is how I managed to meet people.

 
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