Confession 2713.. I am the woman that wives fear. I am the co-worker who others secretly resent but never confront. I am the chick male co-workers always compliment and attempt to sleep with. I am the co-worker that seems to always get away with murder without repercussions. I am.. The office seductress.

As far back as I can recall, I have *always* garnered favor with my boss. Male or Female. Gay. Straight. It never seems to matter. The first official job I held, I ended up sleeping with the manager. Yep. We did it. A whole lot actually, right by the Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake pans. The things we did with chocolate and those delicious cookie crumble bits from Caravel! Buuuuuut.. We were both college students. So perhaps this delicious liaison is excused. The rest of my college years, I used my allure to get the prime bar shifts, the best schedules, and when I wasn’t in the mood the luxury of leaving early. Did this pattern stop after graduation? Umm.. Sadly no. I have am intoxicated with my own power and use influence over the boss to get my way. I mean.. Who wouldn’t if they could get away with it?

Over the years, I may not have exactly slept with my managers or supervisors, but I have used the carrot on the stick to get my way. With NO SHAME! This trick has works pretty damn well too. Manipulation comes naturally to me. I don’t even have to plot or plan. It is just too easy. I am convinced it is one of my talents. Rarely has my charm not succeeded in cushioning my work experience. The crux of this tactic is to never actually have sex with anyone. Just give the illusion like one day they might actually get it. Women are not immune to my tactics either. This has never ever ever ever come back to bite me on the ass. Never ever ever ever ever. I suppose I am just so damn good at it. I can navigate the cooperate world like Magellan and come out unscathed. Do I sound cocky? Well. I AM COCKY. Residing on the top of the food chain for years has given me a certain caviler attitude I can’t seem to shake.

Soooo well. I just started a new job. When I was hired my direct supervisor was a woman. No problem. YESTERDAY I found out I will be working for a man. Not just any man. AN ATTRACTIVE. SINGLE. MAN. Danger Will Robinson Danger! I can’t wait to see how this pans out. It is not like I am going to go to work with an agenda of wielding control over my supervisor, butttttt I am sure eventually it will happen. It always does. I know the signs. He spent much more time chatting me up than he did any of the other new hires. Second, he shook my hand with both of his, then held on to my hand entirely too long. It is all in the eye contact too. I can tell he is on the hook. All I have to do is reel him and I will be well on my way to coming in when I feel like it, pay raises not exactly on merit, a better parking spot, long leisurely lunches, time off, and a bevy of other perks. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Too bad I have no intention of curing this condition. I am perfectly happy with it. You shouldn’t get your meat where you make your bread. Unless you are a master chef like yours truly.

Comments (5)

On October 14, 2009 at 12:04 PM , Anonymous said...

I was told that your blog was hilarious. Oddly, I am not amused.

On October 14, 2009 at 4:59 PM , Admin said...

OMG hilarious!

It's great, isn't it?!

I've never actually slept with a supervisor (although I'm sure that's the rumor out there), but I'm able to get everyone to eat outta my hand at work- males and females alike. It's really easy if you have the natural talent. It's not even about flirting-I think that there must just be a natural talent for persuasion and influence in these instances.

On October 14, 2009 at 5:46 PM , Diz said...

This is why I love you. Is this Hubba?

On October 19, 2009 at 10:12 AM , achoiceofweapons said...

You are SOOOOO EVIL! Would you like to work with me????? Pleaseeeeee! Just kidding. I work at .........

On October 27, 2009 at 6:29 PM , Anonymous said...

Get the fug outta here, bitch. You think you impress anybody? Hahahahahaha. fuck you. bitches like you always thinking you high and fuckn mighty. then when you start to age, all the shit falls down, succumbs to gravity. blue veiny titties, ass like the back side of a truck. that's what's waitin fo your dumbass, biotch. oooooooo, you so bad, you can fuck your boss. oooooo, you so BAD!!! then when he zips up his fly an tells u to hit the road, BLOG ABOUT THAT, BITCH. for all he is concerned, he just got a free piece of ass. NOW GO FILE THOSE REPORTS AND GET HIM A COFFEE, BITCH!!!!