For the first time in a long time.. Basically since high school I am jealous of my friends. (I was so annoyed my friend got a brand new red BMW for her 16th birthday. I soon got over it) Not just one of them.. ALL OF THEM. Every single one of them and lots of people I do not know. Why? WHY you say? Things are so screwed up in my life right now and from the outside looking in, everyone else is having the time of their lives.
One of my friends finally is with her soul mate. Jealous
One is completely free of her ex husband. Jealous
One moved to the city she has always wanted to live. Jealous
One is happily married and having a baby. Jealous
One has an amazing job which she loves/ Jealous
The list goes on and on and on and on.. It isn't healthy for me to be so riddled with jealousy. I just can't control myself. Cognitively I know how to pull myself out of these jealous doldrums. Emotionally I just don't seem to have the energy to put the work in. Instead I bury myself in work and thoughts of how life is going to be at the end of the tunnel of Hades. Unfortunately, thoughts of how great other people are doing creep into the crack of my fortress of solitude. If jealousy is green then my insides must be the Emerald City.
What can I do? Keep going. No other options. Keep going. I read a quote once which stated "Everything is better in the end. If things aren't better. It isn't the end." I don't know when the end is coming but I can only pray it is near. I was born in the year of the Ox. Beast of burden. Workhorse of the Chinese zodiac. Oddly enough this ability to work seemingly tirelessly towards a goal pays off in the end. It is just getting to the end which is so stressful. Is my burden heavy? Oh hell yes. Can I carry it with determination and grace? Absolutely. In heels no less.