Right now I can't deal.. I just can't deal. Too many things are hitting me hard and fast. Too many disappointments.. Too many problems.. I am in the middle of a thunderstorm. I feel small. Lost. Tired. I just can't deal. I don't have the energy and honestly I couldn't deal right now if I wanted to. Not too long ago I would run to twitter crush but that option has been removed.  The only thing left for me to do is to crawl into myself. Incubate. Heal. Alone. A place where it is quiet. A place where no one can reach me. I am retreating into my own cocoon.

I have just recently suffered the ultimate betrayal from someone so close to me I considered them my other half. My soul mate. My best friend above all best friends. Our friendship predated time, space, and reason. There was first us then the world. We were Alpha and Omega.  Of all the people to lie to, why me? I knew where the secrets were buried. I helped you dig the holes and personally burned the treasure maps. It was always us against the chaos. US. YOU. ME. We were together in this lifetime and many many lifetimes before this one.

I see now that we were predicated on lies. I am out of your Matrix. A pill was forced down my throat and now I see you for who you are. A LIAR. UN-LOYAL. SELFISH. How dare you bring God into this? I used to call you my Evening Star. In my life you shone first, brightest, and last. In reality you are the Morning Star. A fallen angel. Thrown out of heaven due to your actions.  You are the devil. Worse than the devil because even he would never be able to usurp your diabolical behavior. You are dead to me. I would mourn you, but I know now I never knew you at all.  What little part of me which was human you have destroyed.  I placed all my faith in humanity on your shoulders.  I believed in you.. Even after the first tremor I BELIEVED in you. Now I feel like I am in the final scene of the movie Fight Club. The entire city is exploding around me and all I can do it watch.

The things I have subsequently learned about you disgust me. I am freed from the guilt of believing I was responsible for creating the gollum you are. I now know that you are such a coward you are casting blame for your treachery  everywhere except where it belongs. It belongs solely with you. So my love, I place this gift back at your feet. It is yours and yours only to bear. Whatever happens in your future you earned it fair and square with no assistance from me. Your karma. Your karmic debt to pay. My accounts are clear now.  IT is funny how the memory works. When you need to recall a pertinent fact it will come to you. I wasn't the only guilty party in our game of deceit and lies back in college. YOU.. You taught me everything I know. For it was YOU who I caught with several other women after I had given up the cushy lifestyle my parents provided for me to live in poverty in the ghetto to be with you.

Now. All I want to do is go home. Crawl into my mother's big bed with the white starched linens and over-sized fluffy cloud pillows and go to sleep. I want to be comforted by her scent. I want to be around a person who truly loves me unconditionally.

I don't need you anymore for anything. Nor will I hold people up to the unobtainable standards constructed by the person I so foolishly thought you were for decades. I've peaked behind the curtain. You are not a wizard. You are a pathetic man pretending to be powerful yet instead you are weak and hide it through smoke and mirrors. Lies, falsehoods, and deceit.

I am retreating within myself. You used to be inside me, a part of my heart and soul. I've extracted it, exercised it, eradicated it. No longer do I consider you my one great love.. The love of my lives. The space is cleared for someone who deserves it. I've learned my karmic lesson. Our story ended today and in the next life there shall be no repeat.


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