I have just realized I am in my mid to late thirties. Well it just dawned on me. Basically right now I am in a death roll to being 40 and what do I have to show for it? The scene from Sex and the City when Carrie needs to come up with the finances to buy her apartment and figures out she has a fortune invested in shoes comes to mind. I have spent years and years cultivating an eccentric and eclectic bohemian care free personality. I traveled, I danced, I shopped, I educated myself.. I did a host of other things, which out of modesty I shall not mention.

And now. Here I am. Old as hell. With nothing to show for it. Like. I have a failed marriage under my belt. I own a house I don’t want. I do have a kick ass car and some rockin jewelry. All these things are material. What do I have that really matters? What do I have that is organic? Something of which I have a lifetime bond with outside of family and friends? Um.. Frasier C. Puppykins. Annnnnd that is about it. He is only enamored with me because I give him 3 hots (semi room temperature) and a cot.
In my heart of deepest hearts.. I want a little girl. Seriously. For years I have wanted a child but knew the option wasn’t on the table so I never allowed myself to think about it for too long. The thought of a child for me is like going to an extremely swanky and ridiculously expensive boutique, and admiring a dress. I know I can't  have it, so it is ok to fantasize about it.

In my fantasy, I would have 1 child. A little girl. A little girly girl. Her name would be Haven. I once had a student named Haven and I swear she was the smartest & most charming child I have ever encountered. I also liked the name Stella but my friend Aja called dibs on that name. So yes. Haven. If Haven existed this is what her life would be like.

An uber girly pink explosion of a nursery. Being in the psych field I know it is not a great idea to gender type as it sets the tone for the child rather than letting the personality of the child set the tone. All that junk I cognitively understand would go right out the window. Pink would be everywhere. Sort of like this

but I am sure Anne would talk me into 

My two best friends are not girly at all. They HATE pink. I suppose they would figure out a way to suck it up and tolerate a child always dressed in pink with some sort of flower, bow, or tutu on.
tooo cute!
Cupcake Tea Parties!
I would do all the things my mother did with me as a child. We would read books together, have tea parties, and go on walks, ride bikes, watch movies, play board games, go to museums, and take all sorts of fun classes. We would be silly and dance for no reason. We would eat breakfast for dinner and ice cream for breakfast. I would go to countless recitals and take massive amounts of pictures. Haven would be as comfortable in water as on land. She would ride horses and play the piano. Not only would she be into ballet but also I would have her in T-ball.  We would travel together and I would make sure she was respectful of other cultures. Haven would be multi lingual as well.  She would be so very well loved by Puppykins and her extended family. Dynamic women would surround her, like Tita Anne the techie and Auntie Heather the love bug.  Boy oh boy would she be close to her Grand’Mere Evelyn. We would be 3 generations of women who are super close and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. We spend time together because we want to, not out of obligation because we are family. 3 peas in one pod. If Haven existed, that would be her life.


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