It has come to my attention if you do not ask for something you will not receive it. Most people (excluding me) are not psychic so therefore have no idea what you want unless you spell it out. With that idea in mind, I have constructed my own Relationship Contract Rider. Celebrities have been using these little gems for years as a way to ask for wild, ridiculous, outrageous things. If they can do it, why the hell can’t I?

FIRST- I am not going to date/marry another guy who is messy as hell. My years of picking up behind a man like a scullery maid are over. If he is not neat and tidy as is forget it. I am not even going to address how a man's bathroom is usually a science experiment. When or if (that is a BIG IF) we ever live together I will have my own bathroom which he is not allowed to enter on pain of death. I also will not date/be with a man who thinks he can cook, dirties up every dish in the kitchen, and produces some greasy high fat concoction that uses so much butter even Paula Deen is appalled. If he can't cook fine. But do not attempt to poison me with bad cooking. I am also not going to date/ be with an alcoholic. If his idea of breakfast is beer OR if he drinks before 9am on a regular basis and keeps drinking all day, please do not apply. I am not the bad behavior cop nor will I ever sign in for duty. Must be cultured, well traveled, and well read. I do not want to always be the one who is exposing him to new things. College educated is also essential. Advanced degrees are highly recommended. Intellectual, humorous, quirky, refined, sensitive, charming men are very much welcomed. Unfortunately, I must add on gainfully LEGALLY employed.

SECOND- Must be a good gift giver. I am an excellent gift giver and it is only fair that I receive spectacular ones in return. I once dated a guy who was an excellent gift giver. He has RUINED it for all other gift giving slouches. For the past 10 years I have gone without Birthday, Valentine's day, Christmas, Easter, Half Birthday, New Years, Anniversary, Graduation, and just any hey you are damn great gifts. I think when you are married to someone you sorta know what they like and GROCERY STORE flowers that you think of while you are checking out a case of beer as an afterthought does a gift not make. Second I HATE roses. Don't bring me roses. The ONLY roses I like are Black Beauty or Black Magic Roses. Roses are for trifling men who are not imaginative. If you want to purchase flowers go to a FLORIST. Hence the name. FLOWERS.. FLORIST. Grocery store flowers are for chumps that need a quick fix. No planning involved. Lazy's man's apology flowers. Oh. Also I hate baby's breath and carnations. If I ever see them again I will go ballistic. I adore Dahlias, Orchids, Lillies, anything but plain roses. I am not a plain woman and do not deserve plain boring average flowers. They are offensive to me. Stuffed animals are not suitable gifts for women. Do not think I am going appreciate a stuffed animal unless it has AMAZING JEWELRY tied on it. Secondly, dinner out should not be at a chain restaurant if you are considering it a special or romantic night. I haven't been on the wrong side of the Olive Garden's doors in years and would like to keep my streak going. No CHAIN RESTAURANTS. No PICKY EATERS! Going to a sporting even is for YOU it is not for me. Do NOT pass that off as something you are doing for me, because I am not going to be duped. If we go to a play, ballet, or concert I will consider that you are taking my tastes into application. This man must understand my mania for the Dave Matthews Band and Prince. If he does not like them please do not apply. I will never again stop listening to music I love in order to appease a man. Must have diverse taste in music. Excellent manners is paramount. I am Southern. My eagle eye is trained to look out for bad table manners, not opening doors (this includes the CAR DOOR), and respecting women. Men without elegant manners are as attractive as Venereal Disease to me. (No Venereal Disease either. A clean bill of health will need to be submitted) Be a gentleman, it will not offend my womanistic sensibilities. It will delight them.

THIRD- Although No Bitchassness should be a given, I feel I must explain this just in case. I do not want to be with another bitchass. I have met my lifetime quota. If you asked said men are they bitchasses they would say "no" alas, they are bitchasses. I do NOT want a child/baby/man to take care of. He needs to be a partner who is equal in intelligence and carries his own weight. There might be times when one of us has to put in more than the other. This is understandable and completely fine with me. However, when I have to do EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME because he is incompetent or always trying to get over or do some sideways hustle. Please do not waste your time. I am tired of being an unpaid personal assistant. Keep your business straight. Do not be sloppy with your finances. Must be acquainted with saving money, 401K , Roth IRA, NAZDAQ, financial planning, living below your means.. These things are non-negotiable. Actually everything I am writing is NON-NEGOTIABLE. This man must have excellent credit. Nothing under 700. Bad credit is a good indicator of irresponsibility. Also included in bitchassness is being a complete child. I am not your mother. If you want mothering you know her number and she would love the call. Know the difference between wants and needs as there is an enormous difference. He cannot fill his life with grown up toys and miscellaneous bullshit. Know how to fix things. My Dad was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam. Tougher than tough. He was a MAN. He could fix anything like MacGyver with bubblegum and toothpicks. I expect this man not to laze on the couch on the weekends watching Beverly Hills 90210 while I am cleaning, fixing, and running errands. That is bitchassness to me. Both of our cars should be washed EVERY Saturday morning and then household chores should be attended to. I do not want to hear a man wine ever ever ever again in my life. NEVER EVER! The sounds is repulsive. So. To conclude no bitchassness. I am not going to take care of you. I will compliment you, but unlike Beyonce I am NOT going to upgrade another man. Oh! I feel as if I have to mention no Chris Browns either. Notice how he is under no bitchassness.

FOURTH- This is the *adult* section of the rider. I like tall men. I'm done with short Napoleonic complex men. I consider tall over 6 feet although, five eleven or so is acceptable just not preferred. Must have good teeth. No swampmouth. Well dressed is a must. Tasteful cologne, but not so much that I have an asthma attack when he enters the room. Cleanliness is a given but not a man suffering from OCD. In decent shape is a must. Guts are not attractive on men, it takes away from that uber sexy V that men have. I want to see a V not a U. This guy must be hung. Sorry but it is preference. I have been with men so small you needed the Hubble Telescope to locate his penis. Now, on the flip side I have seen things so large, I decided to end the festivities immediately. Just have some serious heat. Also, no lousy looovvveerrrsss. I'm in my 30's now and have plenty of experience to draw from. I am a Scorpio, that in itself says a whole lot about my sexuality and skill level. I am no longer understanding in concerns to boring uninspired sex. Not eluding to expecting porn sex (every time), but please do not be a snooze in the sack. I am bringing Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik. Your passions should mirror my own. Do not think foreplay starts with palming my amazing chest or copping feels like a high school quarterback under the bleachers. That will not only get you no ass, I will be pissed off as well. There must be a smoldering sensuality about this man. His oral skills must rival those of die hard lesbians, and the stroke has to be on point. I am expecting spontaneity and little interludes in the most in evident places. Sex isn't restricted to the bedroom. Also a working knowledge of the differences between fucking, having sex, and making love is necessary. I will be expecting all three so be up on your game. Sexual appetites must be congruent. I am a lascivious woman with an unfortunate wandering eye when I am bored. If kept sustained, there will be no need to feel as if replacement hangs over head like the sword of Damocles.

I am officially accepting applications from all who believe they meet requirements and qualifications.

Comments (1)

On July 6, 2009 at 8:12 PM , Ari said...

Omg love this post. I might need to come up with one myself.

And btw, totally hear you on the gift giver thing. You're so right!