Out of all my friends, I belive I have the best self esteem. This comes directly and solely from my parents. The majority of my childhood I lived in situations where I was the only. The only American, the only minority, the only girl…. My Mom never wanted me to feel less than or substandard. In her efforts to combat the enviable feeling of being different, she gave me a superiority complex. I believe I can do anything better than damn near anybody. This has carried me into adulthood. It makes me an avid competitor and definitely not a sore looser. If I take a loss, it is only temporary and with better preparation I will be vindicated next time. Perhaps it is because of this attitude things don’t get me down. I just plot and plan my way into success. Anyway.. So. The self esteem body blow of late. I have an extremely close friend who for some reason has kryptonite that works against me. Whenever he is around I feel less intelligent, witty, and sexy which to me is like my personality has been hijacked and replaced with an alien’s persona. For years I have tried to combat his resistance to me in all sorts of subtle ways and even some overt and mildly crazy ways. I am not above being crazy if it gets the results I am after. To see this guy, one would think why sweat him? He is just an ordinary guy. I think that is the crux of the issue. He is an average person. Wonderfully basic. He even describes himself as simple and basic in his tastes. Well.. If you like simplicity then surely you would enjoy lots of fanfare and extra right? WRONG! I don’t believe that every man needs to pine after me, but damn! When I turn on the charm it better work! Rejection something I am fairly unfamiliar with. So I suppose when it happens it just rocks my world. Right now.. World rocked. I can’t seem to shake the feeling of mediocrity or averageness. Both of these emotions are foreign to my sense of self. All I can say about this is.. Back to the drawing board. I am scheduled to see him in a few months and this time game on. After all.. I cannot loose.
7 years ago