For the majority of my life I have had a toned and fit body. As a kid my Mom kept me in tap, jazz, ballet, modern dance, and gymnastic classes.  The older I got the more athletic activities I engaged in. Soon I was riding horses, playing volleyball, and swimming like a mermaid. My muscles developed long and lean as if I came out of the womb Pilates ready.  With great gifts comes great responsibility. Upon my head hangs the weight of my entire family. I was the only slender girl in a sea of chubby. I was known as the thin one.  I am the family's  great last thin hope.
All though high school and into college I got a lot of attention due to my figure.  While I was bartending I used it to my extreme advantage. Big boobs and a lithe figure made serious dough and I worked it for all it was worth.  I used to call my boobs plan A and plan B the rent makers.  I might have picked up weight since high school but it landed in all the right places. When I was 18 I was a size 0 but by around 25 I managed to creep to a 6. Still small. Still adorably sexy. A lot of my self-esteem was built on my physical appearance.
Unfortunately, being known for your body has negative effects on your psyche.  I am no longer a size 6. I am no longer adorably sexy in my opinion.  The size I am now can be multiplied by 6 to get the number. How did this happen? Easy. Depression.. Eating the wrong foods.. Being married.. Priorities changed in life.. So many things.. So very many things. They all have taken a toll on the body that used to serve me so very well.
And here I am.. Dealing with the fall out of basically letting myself go. Not only did I let myself down, but also my family, as I have always been the thin one. My place and identity in my family dynamic has changed. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I’m not the smartest (Nick) or the prettiest (hands down Denita) or the gay one (Darryl).   Every time I run into someone who knew the former me.. I cringe. Last night I talked to an ex-boyfriend on skype. He was shocked by how much I had changed and then deemed me “thick”. He told me I had one of the best bodies in high school.  Inside I died a thousand deaths. The love of my life that I spent the greater part of my 20’s with was also taken aback when he saw me recently. To his credit he played it off quite well. Knowing who I used to be and now living in this falsehood now feels like the reverse of the Matrix. I was living in reality now I am in some horrible dream. A dream in which I orchestrated myself.
I have one foot on the side of learning to love my new body and another living off of my former glory. My best friend told me that she was always amazed how men and women would be so attracted to me when there she was standing next to me, smaller and more fit. This perplexes me. I am still perplexed. Even though I am considerably larger, it seems my body still has some sort of undeniable tractor beam attached to it. As a “thick” chick I am getting as much if not MORE attention than ever. People appreciate my curves, and giggles way more than I do. Maybe I need to start looking at myself through their eyes instead of the eyes of my best friend’s and mine. 

Comments (1)

On May 18, 2010 at 10:42 AM , Ashley said...

We all go through that. Some days I love my curves, others I loathe them.