Dear G. I know you will never read this and believe me this is more for me than it will ever be for you. I was a possession of yours. One of the expensive things you liked to collect just to brag that you owned but never took the time or energy towards its up keep. I refuse to blame you for your neglect. It is completely my fault. I let it be ok. I let your behavior become common place . You teach people how to treat you. The lesson I gave you was one of which I am much stronger than I truly am. I let it be alright that I solved each and every problem, issue, crisis, and obstacle presented us. My job was to be the most perfect I could be. Not to let you see me sweat. I can do anything without help and with ease. I MADE it look effortless. Well it was NOT. I sheltered you from each and every storm our entire relationship. You were given the gift of the absence of misery. I sheltered this burden with a serene smile. That was entirely my fault. Once the cracks started materializing in my demeanor, I let you ignore them as you capriciously enjoyed your life. I let you Joy Luck Club me, let you devalue me. For that I was wrong. Let me regress to the beginning of the end. The end of me started with the origination of us. From the start I allowed you to make me feel I was not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, mannered enough, classy enough for you. This culture of always over achieving to please you was concocted from day one. I always felt I had to prove I was worthy of you. In reality, you were never worthy of me. I was more than you had ever had on so many levels. Your way of controlling me was to make me feel worthless. I was and am better than you will ever be. To make yourself feel BIG you made me feel small. I gave up things important to me to focus on things important to you. When you left the first time, I continued on with my life. Happy. So many wonderful experiences happened while you were gone. Then you returned. I LET you back in. Nobody takes the garbage out, then misses it and decides to return the rotting smelling mess back into the house. I did. I should have let my garbage remain on the curb for collection. You were so broken. It pulled at my heartstrings. I pieced you back together emotionally and financially. This was all done at my expense. I thought if I gave you what you needed, you would give me what I needed. You are selfish. I know this. I KNEW this. I still waited patiently. You showed me who you were the first time and I didn't pay attention. I saw what I WANTED to see. I hoped that out of friendship passion would spontaneously cultivate. There was never passion between us. The soil was not fertile in many ways. Over the years, you became more and more dependent on my competency. Over the years I became more and more drained by your dependence on me. WHY did I do everything? To impress you at first. Then out of necessity. You were more than happy to be the child, and I was a resentful mother. It was my fault for taking on all of the responsibility then being pissed you got to have all of the fun. I handed you pieces of me everyday to be discarded like used wrapping paper. There was nothing left. Not even the lovely bow which attracted you so much in the beginning. It was then that I realized you were killing me and I let you. To save myself, I had to kill us. I'm scared. We have been we for so long. But we killed me. We killed parts of you too. It is better this way G and I hope one day you will understand. For now I will take your hostility and your bitterness as I have learned to shoulder each and every burden you place before me with grace. But one day I hope you understand, I loved you. A warm friendship love which turned into resentment then hate. You hurt me, you destroyed me, but the phoenix is now triumphantly fleeing the ashes of her former life with wisdom way beyond her years.
7 years ago