I want a lover who can keep up with me sexually. My tastes are refined and my skills have been honed over years worth of practicing my craft. I do not want to waste my talents on someone who is not bringing to the table the same skill set I have. I'm not in my 20's anymore, no learning curves are being passed out. I believe it is true, one you reach your 30's you really start to hit your stride sexually. You have exhausted all patience with clumsy inexperienced men or women if that is your preference.

No more gropey fumbling with my clothes like some high school football player under the bleachers after a winning game. I want someone sensuous. A man who knows how to set the mood and build upon it. Knows that playing rap or rock music has its time and place. When I am in his bed, it is neither the time NOR the place to listen to anything remotely unsexy. I want him to play love songs, R&B, Maxwell, Prince.. Hell even John Mayer.. It can even be instrumentals. Just anything that is going to set the tone for the evenings festivities. Also, have good sheets. Nothing kills the mood faster than sheets so rough you feel as if you are being rubbed raw with newspapers and burlap bags. Candles. They provide just enough light to cast passionate shadows and heighten all of the senses other than sight. Also, I am not apposed to props or toys. They can be enhancers but one shouldn't rely on them solely.


Like I said.. He needs to know how to touch a woman. Know the difference of when to be rough and when to be gentle. When to be dominant and when to be submissive. So many one note lovers out there. Sex with them is like square dancing. The same thing over and over again in the same sequence. Any change throws them off and is deemed unacceptable. Touch is so important. I want him to understand that there are other parts of my body which need attention not just the obvious parts. Men tend to treat women like chicken parts. Breasts, legs, butts... What about your ears, the back of our necks, the back of our knees, inner thighs,  small of our backs? Nothing is sexier than a kiss on the back of the wrist. Nipples are not the only erogenous zone.

There is such a hurry for men to penetrate us. Slow down. Take your time. Men are always worried about lasting, well take your time to get to the main event. Sex isn't all about the phallus. It really isn't. Many women don't even experience the most intense pleasure from penetration anyway. I want a lover who understands that the world doesn't revolve around his penis. I want him to know true intimacy comes from eye contact, kissing, touching...

I want a lover who understands how to talk in bed. Pillow talk. Once again diversity is the key. Sometimes porn talk is amazing and other times sweet romantic well placed phrases are needed. Men underestimate how they can turn a woman on through words alone. Sex for us in in our minds. Reach our mind and the body automatically reacts. Hence why the romance novel business is a raging success. I want a lover to appreciate my body, all of it.. Every inch. He shouldn't be so reluctant to let me know what he is thinking or what is on his mind. Tell me what he wants as I will freely give it to him as he should for me. Sexual connections are strong but many times no matter how clairvoyant we are, I still need feedback.

As for oral sex. My lover needs to rival lesbians.  Literally. When they see him approaching they would give him the secret nod showing him respect for his skills. To me nothing is worse and more disappointing than bad or mediocre oral sex. I just hate it. I've been known to stop people in the middle of the act. I don't have any patience for bad oral. I know mine is.. otherworldly. I am always looking to pick up new tricks as should he.

My lover needs to know how to kiss and not just one method of kissing. He needs to know many different styles of kissing. Once again, I don't want an electric slide type of lover. Change things up. Keep me guessing as I will you. Breathe magic into my soul through the meeting of our lips. Know when to kiss with more intensity and when to leave gossamer kisses on my lips. Don't have limp hands while we kiss. Let them roam. NOT GROPE but roam. Caress. Stroke.

As for the act itself. My standards are pretty high. I am not in the mood anymore for a guy to climb on top and just jack hammer me into boredom.  Nor a man who only knows two positions. Men that only know one speed or stroke are also not welcomed. There needs to be a signature style and once again.. Hands need to be in play. You don't get a penalty for using hands. Innovation is a must. Porn sex is a fallacy. A man can't get a woman off just through mindless penetration. It just isn't possible. You can always tell when a guy watches too much porn because that is his method and he won't deviate from it.

After we are done my lover should NOT roll over and go to sleep. I truly hate that. Nothing is sexier than to shower together or being washed with warm towels. Listening to someone snore is just not a turn on. Spooning up to a woman should be the reward all men seek. Bodies which now have mingled scents is like the height of pheromonic ecstasy.  To run your hands over the vessel which brought you so much pleasure.. Nothing like it. I want my lover to kiss me all over. Place his thigh over mine. Twirl my hair on his fingers. I want him to take lecherous satisfaction in what he just did.

Yeah.. My expectations for a lover are very high but in return he is getting a very salacious lover in return. I am at the top of my game now. It is not like Martha Stewart sells pies at the local fair on the weekends for fun, or President Obama gives fee legal advice for kicks.  I want the best of the best. My tastes in lovers is specific. I can't be with someone who is childish or shy about sex. I need him to bring the pain literally and I will be his rainmaker.

FIN

Right now I can't deal.. I just can't deal. Too many things are hitting me hard and fast. Too many disappointments.. Too many problems.. I am in the middle of a thunderstorm. I feel small. Lost. Tired. I just can't deal. I don't have the energy and honestly I couldn't deal right now if I wanted to. Not too long ago I would run to twitter crush but that option has been removed.  The only thing left for me to do is to crawl into myself. Incubate. Heal. Alone. A place where it is quiet. A place where no one can reach me. I am retreating into my own cocoon.

I have just recently suffered the ultimate betrayal from someone so close to me I considered them my other half. My soul mate. My best friend above all best friends. Our friendship predated time, space, and reason. There was first us then the world. We were Alpha and Omega.  Of all the people to lie to, why me? I knew where the secrets were buried. I helped you dig the holes and personally burned the treasure maps. It was always us against the chaos. US. YOU. ME. We were together in this lifetime and many many lifetimes before this one.

I see now that we were predicated on lies. I am out of your Matrix. A pill was forced down my throat and now I see you for who you are. A LIAR. UN-LOYAL. SELFISH. How dare you bring God into this? I used to call you my Evening Star. In my life you shone first, brightest, and last. In reality you are the Morning Star. A fallen angel. Thrown out of heaven due to your actions.  You are the devil. Worse than the devil because even he would never be able to usurp your diabolical behavior. You are dead to me. I would mourn you, but I know now I never knew you at all.  What little part of me which was human you have destroyed.  I placed all my faith in humanity on your shoulders.  I believed in you.. Even after the first tremor I BELIEVED in you. Now I feel like I am in the final scene of the movie Fight Club. The entire city is exploding around me and all I can do it watch.


The things I have subsequently learned about you disgust me. I am freed from the guilt of believing I was responsible for creating the gollum you are. I now know that you are such a coward you are casting blame for your treachery  everywhere except where it belongs. It belongs solely with you. So my love, I place this gift back at your feet. It is yours and yours only to bear. Whatever happens in your future you earned it fair and square with no assistance from me. Your karma. Your karmic debt to pay. My accounts are clear now.  IT is funny how the memory works. When you need to recall a pertinent fact it will come to you. I wasn't the only guilty party in our game of deceit and lies back in college. YOU.. You taught me everything I know. For it was YOU who I caught with several other women after I had given up the cushy lifestyle my parents provided for me to live in poverty in the ghetto to be with you.


Now. All I want to do is go home. Crawl into my mother's big bed with the white starched linens and over-sized fluffy cloud pillows and go to sleep. I want to be comforted by her scent. I want to be around a person who truly loves me unconditionally.

I don't need you anymore for anything. Nor will I hold people up to the unobtainable standards constructed by the person I so foolishly thought you were for decades. I've peaked behind the curtain. You are not a wizard. You are a pathetic man pretending to be powerful yet instead you are weak and hide it through smoke and mirrors. Lies, falsehoods, and deceit.

I am retreating within myself. You used to be inside me, a part of my heart and soul. I've extracted it, exercised it, eradicated it. No longer do I consider you my one great love.. The love of my lives. The space is cleared for someone who deserves it. I've learned my karmic lesson. Our story ended today and in the next life there shall be no repeat.

FIN

Last week I went home. Well. I went to Virginia Beach and to Washington DC. Whomever said you can never go home again must not have had my experience. It was extremely difficult to come back. Hell.. Even Delta airlines was working towards keeping me in Virginia. However, that is another story. A funny hilarious story but I will save it for another time. So. Yeah. Had the greatest time ever. It just reinforces my drive to move back to the east coast. It was nice being in an environment which is as familiar to you as your own body and surrounded around genuine people who love you without restrictions. I can't wait to crawl back into that nexus of happiness.

So.. Yeah.. For over a year I have had this school girl crush on someone I met on twitter. We do not live in the same state or time zone even so our relationship has been basically lots and lots of talking. Somewhere in these marathon talk sessions I managed to lift Twitter Crush's feet off of the ground and onto a pedestal. People would be compared to Twitter Crush and would always come out on the losing end. How could anyone compete with basically an enigma or a character I basically created from components of reality and filled in the gaps with my imagination? The creative liberties I allotted myself to generate this perfect person are.. well.. epically delusional. While I was doing this I knew it was wrong but at the time I felt I needed a super hero. Twitter Crush was my crutch. A fantasy I could escape to when I needed repsite from the real world.


As with all fairy tales they have an ending.. When you dream, eventually you wake up. I am awake now. My eyes are open and I have finished typing out the last line on the last page of my fantasy novel. Twitter Crush is a real person with real frailties. The person I thought they were.... They really are not. The person I created doesn't exist. I clung on to the ideal of this perfect person only to be reminded that this phantom is fake. I am a tad bit sad as I mourn Twitter Crush, however it was past time for me to get a grip. Twitter Crush outstayed the welcome. I extended credit where it was unwarranted and undue. Twitter Crush is now dead, and the real person has been resurrected.


Thanks for the memories Twitter Crush wherever you are. You really helped me out through several rough patches in the past 18 or so months, but it is time to let you go. I did you a great disservice reshaping you into something and someone you are not. You were my crutch for quite a while.. Now it is time for me to walk alone. I hope you got as much out of our friendship as I did.


FIN

This may be the most cryptic post I have ever written. Usually I spread myself bare and say whatever is on my mind no matter how ugly but I just can't do it this time. It would make this too real. I am not ready for it to be real. I don't think I know how to handle my real feelings yet.

The worst feeling ever is finding out something isn't what you thought it was. The disappointment and let down is crushing as if a 1000 pounds of diamonds suddenly landed on your head. I spend a lot of time counseling people oh how to deal with disappointment. I KNOW the tools and methods on how to refocus and move on... BUT.. Right now.. It seems like I want to wallow in my disappointment. I want to wear it like a Diane Von Furstenberg dress. Let it fit my figure perfectly. I want to feel sorry for myself. Throw a pity party. I just want to FEEL the misery which oddly enough I worked so hard toward. Empty. Lost. Disappointed.


I am always telling people things happen for a reason. So. Perhaps I will look for the lesson in this. One day. But right now.. I just want to strut around in my garment to disillusion and disappointment. After all.. Right now I am wearing it well.
FIN