Things I Want Thursday
Things I want Thursday.. YES! My cosmic wish list of things I want damnit! Make no mistake I am quite thankful for what I have but, come on.. Everyone has a list no matter how long or short of things they want.  So without further ado! Oracle's Things I WANT Thursday! *cue the dancing girls*

Yadda yadda.. I want world peace and for all children to get a quality education and to not get abused by anyone... now that I have gotten that out of the way let's get to the good stuff. Warning.. I am quite materialistic! *rubs hands together*

 I want Frasier C Puppykins to be perfectly trained, behaved, and a model dog who naps contentiously and rarely barks. 
I want a new job where I make gobs of money and have a great benefits package. Said job should also provide me with a shoe budget and long lunch breaks which I can put on the company card. Also I do not want to work in an environment where all the coworkers are out to get each other AND I have job security.
I want Georgetown Cupcakes. Not just ANY cupcakes. GEORGETOWN CUPCAKES as they are the best in the stratosphere.
I want Dave Matthews to sit on the edge of my bed and sing me to sleep every night.
I want my student loans and credit cards to be paid off completely. I want to be debt free.
I want a Gucci bag so large you can see the Gucci logo from the moon.
I want a diamond and gold Hello Kitty ring.. Not the cheezy ones with fake stones. A REAL DIAMOND HELLO KITTY RING. 

I want to live in a beach cottage. Every morning I want to wake up and look at the ocean from my bedroom. Every night BEFORE Dave Matthews sings me to sleep I want to stroll along the beach with Puppykins.
I want a Mini Cooper. Not that I don't have a kick car right now, but I want a Mini Cooper. They are so cute! Plus I would reduce my carbon footprint.
I want Alcide Herveaux.. Lots. All the time. Every day..

I want pink Christian Louboutin shoes. PINK ones!

Ehh.. That is enough for now. The universe should be pretty busy fulfilling my wish list.  I won't be greedy.

FIN
7:19 AM | Category: | 1 comments

Oprah is to Gayle as @pinksugacupcake is to @msannek
Oprah is to Gayle as I am to my best friend. I find it troubling when women claim they cannot be friends with other women because they are catty, out to get their men, jealous... The list goes on an on. My thought is.. What kind of friend are you? What type of friends do you attract? How in the WORLD can any woman survive today without the closeness of a good girlfriend? The support system they provide is invaluable. You can have male friends.. Even close male friends.. But they can never take the place of a best girlfriend. Although gay men come quite close.
My bestie and I have been through life's ups and downs. We have done things together.. separately.. One thing never wavered.. We did them with the support of the other. Even when we thought the other was completely out of their damn mind, we supported them and when the time came to start cleaning up the fall out we would swoop in with a vengeance. Nobody screws over my bestie on pain of death! Sadly.. Some of that loyalty was a bit misplaced or perhaps misguided. My bestie has done some things I clearly thought were not good ideas but I kept my mouth shut. Although I am a psych I am notoriously long on silence and short on advice. I believe people need to learn their own lessons. How can a spirit grow if it is always being shielded from experiences? So I stood by, helped even, her experience life. I wanted her to learn lessons for herself. Kinda like Oprah and Gayle. Those two are as thick as thieves. Their friendship mirrors ours. Don't mess with Gayle or you have a Harpie oops... I mean Hapo after you. And you do NOT want that. 
My best friend and I drove from California to Virginia quite similar to the road trip Oprah and Gayle took. We actually didn't get tired of each other. We sang songs (terribly), laughed, cried, saw America, felt racism, ate crappy food, ate gas station snacks, slept in sketchy motels, slept in wonderful hotels, saw friends, missed seeing friends, ate cupcakes, almost crossed the border into Mexico, drove at speeds exceeding 90 miles per hour, got sick of Texas, met Twitter friends, never passed up an outlet mall,  and a wealth of other experiences. You would think after 5 days in the car we would need a break. The moment we were apart I missed her dearly.
Our personalities are quite different yet surprisingly alike. (oxymoron alert) Education has always been the crux of who I am. When I dropped out of college she encouraged me to go back and finish. Then when I entered grad school she was my biggest cheerleader.. well.. besides my Mom.. I totally support her design business. To me everything she makes is magic and flawless. Any criticism of her work will bring out the furies. Someone foolishly attacked her on Twitter and I went after them like a Vampire after their prey. We all know how that scenario concludes. I am sure anyone who witnessed that will think a hundred thousand trillion times before tangling with either one of us.
We also got puppies together. Through circumstances beyond our control we lost our dogs. Mine to old age (17 years of Willie is more than anyone can ask for) hers to divorce (ex husbands need to be publicly flogged). Although we did not get the same breed of puppy we did both get Terrors, I mean Terriers.
Yeah.. We are a lot like Oprah and Gayle. Love us or hate us.. We have each other and that seems to be all we basically need. I might be the more gregarious of the two, but she shines bright in her own right.  We allow the other to be completely themselves flaws and all and oddly enough, the flaws are what makes our relationship perfect.

FIN
9:12 AM | Category: , | 3 comments

What the Hell is Up with Men Lately?

Maybe I have been sleeping like Rip Van Winkle or something and missed when the tide turned. Is it just me or are men rather over sexualized these days? I mean get real! I am just stunned how bold they are about asking women for sex! Stunned I say! When did this start happening? I feel as if this new behavior is coming out of nowhere rather than a slow onslaught of foolishness. What the hell!?! I feel like I have been in a cave and now that I am out of hibernation the world has changed and left me behind. 

Let me explain what I am talking about if you are not as lucky as I to experience this.
Case Study #1 I work with a perfectly sane, handsome, and decent guy. The other night out of nowhere he puts his hand on my leg.. (Close to my yaya) squeezes it and tells me he would love to sleep with me. Like have a purely sexual relationship! Then I was told as if it were a compliment my breasts have been calling him all night and he needs to answer the call. This gentleman and I am using the term very loosely has a girlfriend. I know of this because he speaks of her. I asked him why was he propositioning me when he has someone else. His reply. Because I want you. HUH? Because you want me?
Case Study #2 Another co-worker asks me if I have any porn. WHAT? How do you formulate your lips to ask if someone has porn? Second who has it on DVD anymore anyway? Everyone gets his or her porn off the Internet for free! NO I do not have any porn DVDs to loan you! And NO I do NOT want to watch porn with you. EVER!
Case Study #3 Co-worker invited himself to my house to “beat them buns up”. Whatever that means, it doesn’t sound attractive or pleasurable in the least bit.
Case Study #4 Co-worker with my phone number sexed me a picture of his penis. I am VERY tempted after receiving such an impressive calling card but seriously. Eww.

Now these are just a few examples of the things that happen at work. Now let’s explore the antics of men that don’t even know my name.


Case Study #5 Guy off of twitter asked me to meet him at a motel NOTORIOUS for charging by the hour. Then was pissy when I said “Hell no”.
Case Study #6 Random guy at the mall wanted to know if my lips were as talented as they look.
Case Study #7 I am lumping many men into this case study. Men from various websites where I have pages send me pictures of them in various stages of undress. Full frontal and some enterprising men even give back shots. All of these pictures are unsolicited.
Case Study #8 Man at the car wash leered at me when my dress blew up in the wind then asked if he could taste the fruit of his labor. I think he was trying to be clever, but it was stupid and annoyed me
Case Study #9 Guy sitting next to me at the airport admired my legs and asked if I could wrap them around him.
Case Study #10 Another lumped category. Random men asking me to send them naked cheesecake pictures to their phones or email addresses. Um. No. Just. No. Refer to free Internet porn.
There are so many more Case Studies but if I documented them all my fingers would be bleeding from all the typing I would have to do.

So I began to wonder what vibe am I giving off? Why are men approaching me sexually and nothing else? Not an offer for coffee not even an offer to tie my damn shoe! Why sex? Why ONLY sex? As any good researcher does, I began to ask my male friends about this phenomenon. They hipped me to the game. Men will ask in hopes of a woman being slutty as hell and down for it. Sadly enough women fall for this tactic in hopes that it may lead to a relationship. OTHER women just go along with it because they are slutty slut bombs. Annnnd then there is the last group of women who just want sex with no strings attached. Either way. I do not fit in any of those categories. I have my own agenda and it is NOT falling into the bed of random men who want to adorn their sheets with my body. Not gonna happen. Ever. I think more women should shut men down so they have to rethink their tactics. Make it harder for them. Make them work for it. Why should it be so easy for men? Being a woman is hard as hell. Men should get a taste of the difficulties we go through on a daily basis without complaint. Then I am sure they would have more respect for us.

FIN
5:51 PM | Category: , | 1 comments

Well.. It has finally happened

I have turned into my Mother. Not exactly like her but close enough were I seem to be her doppelganger. This last visit proved it. I am Evelyn Lite. 

My mother is a Southern Lady. Genteel and serene.  She is not going to curse in public (I still have no problem with cursing) or do anything deemed unladylike. She goes to church, prays for strangers, and uses the phrase “bless your heart” so often I can’t keep an accurate tally. My mom is not going to wear anything slightly unflattering and she won’t wear white after Labor Day. 

My momma is the person who will pay for other people’s groceries when they are short on money or their credit card gets declined. She is the first person to show up when someone dies and the last person to leave (after she cleaned up the kitchen and after all the company). Mom is generous to a fault and has volunteered on damn near every charitable committee on several continents. She donates money anonymously to people in need. She gives money to people she knows never expecting reimbursement. Mom takes in stray people and nurses them back to health mentally and physically. She always thinks before she speaks and passes out compliments and good cheer like Halloween candy. She fair, hilarious, and a loyal friend. Mom is also a rather accomplished cook. She could teach Paula Deen a few things about Southern cooking but she refuses to share her secrets. Her philosophy is “why should I go to someone else’s house to eat my own cooking?” Did I mention she was hilarious and witty?

On the other hand.. MOM is a notorious flirt! I doubt if any man is safe! No matter how attractive, ugly, young, old, intelligent, or dullard Mom is going to flirt with them. She embarrasses me constantly with her flirty behavior.  Oddly enough this flirtatious demeanor gets her tons of free stuff.  Mom has extremely high standards for people and they always seem to rise to the occasion for her. She has a way of pulling out the very best in people.  Her powers of persuasion are legendary. The Jedi Mind Trick has nothing on my momma.  Mom has a way of getting her point across or her agenda pushed ahead without anyone knowing they have been worked over. Clever is her middle name. She is also rather bossy. As a kid we called her “The General” and now that I am older the fam calls me “The Colonel”. I suppose I am her second in command.

 So yeah..  I am a mini version of my Mother. We walk alike, enjoy the same things, have identical clothing aesthetics, great manners, and are thank you note writing steel magnolias.  I may not have inherited her stunning looks but I have her personality. And you know what? That’s all right with me. Just call me General in Training.
FIN
6:28 AM | Category: | 0 comments

Sometimes it is the Basic Things


Recently I read an article about what men like about women. It was very interesting. Some of the reasons were so sweet. I had a sally moment. I want a man to feel this way about me.  Yes.. I want him to feel this way about me and more. Lots more.. But this is a good start. 

Why Guys Like Girls
1.     They smell good even when it is just the smell of shampoo
2.     The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulders
3.     How cute they are when they sleep
4.     The ease in which they fit in our arms
5.     They way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right with the world
6.     How cute they are when they eat
7.     The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8.     Because they are always warm when it is minus 30 degrees outside
9.     The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she is the most beautiful thing on earth
11. The way her hand always finds yours
12. The way they smile
13. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID
14. The way they kiss when you have done something nice for them
15.They way they kiss you when you say “I love you”
16. Actually they way they kiss you
17. They way they fall into your arms when they cry
18. The way they apologize for crying over something silly
19. The way they say “I miss you”
20. The way you miss them
21. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt anymore

How beautiful is this list? I wish I knew the guy who wrote it. Sigh

FIN
8:46 AM | Category: | 0 comments

Cosmic Permission Slip



The Goddess of Compassion Quan Yin decided to visit me in my dreams. She told me I was being too hard on myself. It was time to give myself permission to just.. BE. No need to follow the path of perfection as it will only lead to destruction, loneliness, and severe mental illness. After our conversation I filled out a cosmic permission slip and sent it in to the universe. Here is what it said. 




Dear Universe,
I just wanted you to know that I now have permission to:
1.     Not finish reading books that bore me. If they don’t catch me than I can stop reading them without guilty.
2.     Not feel guilty about purposefully not returning phone calls and also not checking my voice mail. There shall be no shame in a full voice mailbox. Even if it has been chocked full of messages for weeks.
3.     Cut the cords of obligations that are guilt driven and to not feel like I am being selfish by perusing my own interests.
4.     Eat dessert first or as a meal itself.
5.     Stop worrying about the balances on my credit cards. The will get paid off eventually.
6.     Stop focusing on what I do not have and love what I do
7.     Stop beating myself up about taking the path of public serve  (read near poverty) rather than the path of great wealth
8.     Stop feeling guilty about leaving my husband even though I knew I had to get out of the boat so I could walk on water.
9.     Not finish everything on my plate
10. Not feel guilty about my nap schedule. First nap, second nap, third nap, and fourth nap shall be a mandatory part of my day.
11. Stop worrying about my weight. People like me no matter what size I am.
12. Stop worrying about accomplishing everything in a timely manner
13. Stop being the person who saves the day many times at personal cost
14. Not feel like I must always project a positive mood/attitude. If I am pissy then damn it I have the right to act pissy.
15. Have amazing sex without feeling self-conscious OR putting the pleasure of my partner as paramount at the expense of my pleasure. No more self-sacrificing sex.
16. Take one big vacation a year
17. Walk around the house naked in heels without thinking I am abnormal
18. Dance without fear of being judged
19. Eat in bed and other things that my Mother would cringe if she knew I did
20. Dislike people without concrete reasons just going on intuition
21. Stop seeing myself as a failure
So yeah. Please excuse me from doing these things, as I have no intention of doing them again.
Sincerely,
Tired Ass Oracle
FIN

5:59 AM | Category: , , | 2 comments