Kanye West may be an ass.. Well.. Actually he is an ass.. BUT he was on to something when he wrote the Gold Digger song. I'm not saying I am a Gold Digger.. But I am definitely not messing with no broke broke... These days men are expecting MORE from women and doing much much less than they were before. Expecting to be taken on a date and being treated like a lady will only get your feelings hurt. Getting a man to pick up a check is about as easy as finding the fountain of youth. A legend we have all heard of but never experienced.
Men are using the excuse women are only out for their money to be lazy. When did expecting a man to be a gentleman become being a Gold Digger? Also, when did men become so cheap, sloppy, and lazy about romancing a woman?
Are we to believe this spin doctrine? Men unfairly rationalize that the women's liberation movement (which most of it happened before my generation) means a woman should either pay her half (understandable if HE doesn't as YOU out) OR flat out pay for him. That is NOT what the equality movement was about. Women want equal pay in the workplace and last time I checked, men still make MORE money than we do for the same amount of work. This is such a shame considering women's work is far more superior AND efficient than any work a man does. But I digress. Men are just being cheap. They would rather spend the extra money on video games, golf, clothes, their car.. magic beans... the list goes on and on. Instead of showing a lady a good time which believe me, costs US more in the long run than them (cosmetics, clothes, perfume, getting your hair done alone is a fortune), men throw around the label Gold Digger as a straw man of some sort to spingali women into thinking it is wrong to expect a man to pony cash up for a date.
I have to give men credit. Their campaign was sneaky and effective. People these days are quite apt to label women as Gold Diggers without hesitation. Deserved title or not. Hell.. Even women refer to other women as Gold Diggers. It is a shame men are so clever they turn women against each other. We are so preoccupied about what other women are doing we don't seem to notice how slouchy men are. Is it gold digging to expect a man to pull out his wallet? Uh no. Gender roles are important and do not need to be blurred.
We are living in a material world and I am most definitely a material girl. I have no problem paying for my own stuff, just don't expect me to pay for yours. However, I rarely turn down a gift or a night out on the town. I'm not a Gold Digger but I'm not messing with a broke.. broke..
Maybe I have been sleeping like Rip Van Winkle or something and missed when the tide turned. Is it just me or are men rather over sexualized these days? I mean get real! I am just stunned how bold they are about asking women for sex! Stunned I say! When did this start happening? I feel as if this new behavior is coming out of nowhere rather than a slow onslaught of foolishness. What the hell!?! I feel like I have been in a cave and now that I am out of hibernation the world has changed and left me behind.
Let me explain what I am talking about if you are not as lucky as I to experience this.
Case Study #1 I work with a perfectly sane, handsome, and decent guy. The other night out of nowhere he puts his hand on my leg.. (Close to my yaya) squeezes it and tells me he would love to sleep with me. Like have a purely sexual relationship! Then I was told as if it were a compliment my breasts have been calling him all night and he needs to answer the call. This gentleman and I am using the term very loosely has a girlfriend. I know of this because he speaks of her. I asked him why was he propositioning me when he has someone else. His reply. Because I want you. HUH? Because you want me?
Case Study #2 Another co-worker asks me if I have any porn. WHAT? How do you formulate your lips to ask if someone has porn? Second who has it on DVD anymore anyway? Everyone gets his or her porn off the Internet for free! NO I do not have any porn DVDs to loan you! And NO I do NOT want to watch porn with you. EVER!
Case Study #3 Co-worker invited himself to my house to “beat them buns up”. Whatever that means, it doesn’t sound attractive or pleasurable in the least bit.
Case Study #4 Co-worker with my phone number sexed me a picture of his penis. I am VERY tempted after receiving such an impressive calling card but seriously. Eww.
Now these are just a few examples of the things that happen at work. Now let’s explore the antics of men that don’t even know my name.
Case Study #5 Guy off of twitter asked me to meet him at a motel NOTORIOUS for charging by the hour. Then was pissy when I said “Hell no”.
Case Study #6 Random guy at the mall wanted to know if my lips were as talented as they look.
Case Study #7 I am lumping many men into this case study. Men from various websites where I have pages send me pictures of them in various stages of undress. Full frontal and some enterprising men even give back shots. All of these pictures are unsolicited.
Case Study #8 Man at the car wash leered at me when my dress blew up in the wind then asked if he could taste the fruit of his labor. I think he was trying to be clever, but it was stupid and annoyed me
Case Study #9 Guy sitting next to me at the airport admired my legs and asked if I could wrap them around him.
Case Study #10 Another lumped category. Random men asking me to send them naked cheesecake pictures to their phones or email addresses. Um. No. Just. No. Refer to free Internet porn.
There are so many more Case Studies but if I documented them all my fingers would be bleeding from all the typing I would have to do.
So I began to wonder what vibe am I giving off? Why are men approaching me sexually and nothing else? Not an offer for coffee not even an offer to tie my damn shoe! Why sex? Why ONLY sex? As any good researcher does, I began to ask my male friends about this phenomenon. They hipped me to the game. Men will ask in hopes of a woman being slutty as hell and down for it. Sadly enough women fall for this tactic in hopes that it may lead to a relationship. OTHER women just go along with it because they are slutty slut bombs. Annnnd then there is the last group of women who just want sex with no strings attached. Either way. I do not fit in any of those categories. I have my own agenda and it is NOT falling into the bed of random men who want to adorn their sheets with my body. Not gonna happen. Ever. I think more women should shut men down so they have to rethink their tactics. Make it harder for them. Make them work for it. Why should it be so easy for men? Being a woman is hard as hell. Men should get a taste of the difficulties we go through on a daily basis without complaint. Then I am sure they would have more respect for us.
As with all contracts, upon review it has come to my attention I have left out some important details. Since this is a rider relationship contract, I feel it is my justifiable right to add extra arrogates to the previous list. My world. My rules. So. There must be an understanding that I love Hello Kitty stuff. Just love love love delight in it. I do not want to hear any complaints about Hello Kitty checks or juvenile Hello Kitty apparel. Live with it. Roll with it. Canonize it. Nothing is going to stop the Hello Kitty train. NOTHING.
Must love dogs. Sorry. Just must love dogs. They are the most wonderful creatures on the planet and I do not see myself living without a dog. I will not date a man that does not like dogs. First of all I will think something is seriously wrong with him, and second I won't trust him because of said serious problem. If a dog doesn't like you there is a good ass reason why. Usually humans are slow to figure out what dogs can size up in a matter of seconds. Dogs can sense evil. So. Love me. Love my dog. My dog must love you. Non-Negotiable. (Sidebar-isn't this puppy the cutest ever ever?)
Here is yet another important constituent I neglected to mention yesterday. Cupcakes. Good cupcakes do NOT I repeat do NOT come from the grocery store. They just don't. I was so focused on the no grocery store flowers that I forgot to mention grocery store cupcakes are the scourge of my delicate pallet. Grocery store cupcakes are to take to a kid's school or their sporting practice. Grown women do not eat grocery store cupcakes. My PREFERENCE is Sprinkles Cupcakes but in a pinch I will diminish my expectations and nosh on other cupcake boutique cupcakes. However, SPRINKLES whenever possible. Red Velvet please. Do NOT ask for a bite either, lest you want the look of death to fall upon you.
Ok. This is a BIG ONE. The guy yesterday looked "gay" according to a few people. I do not want a gay loovvveeerrr. That is counter productive. I'm thinking about him.. He's thinking about some other guy.. Just not good for a HETEROSEXUAL relationship. So. NO GAY MEN! This guy or one masculine like him will do nicely. No Moes! If you have a suspect or questionable experience involving a man in the past, please do not apply. I can always tell a bi-curious/gay man. We would go at it like 2 wet cats in a burlap sack. Ok. So. To review. Must understand I love Hello Kitty. Must not ever ever bring me grocery store cupcakes. Must be HETEROSEXUAL. I better wrap this post up because I keep staring at the crotch of this guy in the picture. I won't get a thing done today.
It has come to my attention if you do not ask for something you will not receive it. Most people (excluding me) are not psychic so therefore have no idea what you want unless you spell it out. With that idea in mind, I have constructed my own Relationship Contract Rider. Celebrities have been using these little gems for years as a way to ask for wild, ridiculous, outrageous things. If they can do it, why the hell can’t I?
FIRST- I am not going to date/marry another guy who is messy as hell. My years of picking up behind a man like a scullery maid are over. If he is not neat and tidy as is forget it. I am not even going to address how a man's bathroom is usually a science experiment. When or if (that is a BIG IF) we ever live together I will have my own bathroom which he is not allowed to enter on pain of death. I also will not date/be with a man who thinks he can cook, dirties up every dish in the kitchen, and produces some greasy high fat concoction that uses so much butter even Paula Deen is appalled. If he can't cook fine. But do not attempt to poison me with bad cooking. I am also not going to date/ be with an alcoholic. If his idea of breakfast is beer OR if he drinks before 9am on a regular basis and keeps drinking all day, please do not apply. I am not the bad behavior cop nor will I ever sign in for duty. Must be cultured, well traveled, and well read. I do not want to always be the one who is exposing him to new things. College educated is also essential. Advanced degrees are highly recommended. Intellectual, humorous, quirky, refined, sensitive, charming men are very much welcomed. Unfortunately, I must add on gainfully LEGALLY employed.
SECOND- Must be a good gift giver. I am an excellent gift giver and it is only fair that I receive spectacular ones in return. I once dated a guy who was an excellent gift giver. He has RUINED it for all other gift giving slouches. For the past 10 years I have gone without Birthday, Valentine's day, Christmas, Easter, Half Birthday, New Years, Anniversary, Graduation, and just any hey you are damn great gifts. I think when you are married to someone you sorta know what they like and GROCERY STORE flowers that you think of while you are checking out a case of beer as an afterthought does a gift not make. Second I HATE roses. Don't bring me roses. The ONLY roses I like are Black Beauty or Black Magic Roses. Roses are for trifling men who are not imaginative. If you want to purchase flowers go to a FLORIST. Hence the name. FLOWERS.. FLORIST. Grocery store flowers are for chumps that need a quick fix. No planning involved. Lazy's man's apology flowers. Oh. Also I hate baby's breath and carnations. If I ever see them again I will go ballistic. I adore Dahlias, Orchids, Lillies, anything but plain roses. I am not a plain woman and do not deserve plain boring average flowers. They are offensive to me. Stuffed animals are not suitable gifts for women. Do not think I am going appreciate a stuffed animal unless it has AMAZING JEWELRY tied on it. Secondly, dinner out should not be at a chain restaurant if you are considering it a special or romantic night. I haven't been on the wrong side of the Olive Garden's doors in years and would like to keep my streak going. No CHAIN RESTAURANTS. No PICKY EATERS! Going to a sporting even is for YOU it is not for me. Do NOT pass that off as something you are doing for me, because I am not going to be duped. If we go to a play, ballet, or concert I will consider that you are taking my tastes into application. This man must understand my mania for the Dave Matthews Band and Prince. If he does not like them please do not apply. I will never again stop listening to music I love in order to appease a man. Must have diverse taste in music. Excellent manners is paramount. I am Southern. My eagle eye is trained to look out for bad table manners, not opening doors (this includes the CAR DOOR), and respecting women. Men without elegant manners are as attractive as Venereal Disease to me. (No Venereal Disease either. A clean bill of health will need to be submitted) Be a gentleman, it will not offend my womanistic sensibilities. It will delight them.
THIRD- Although No Bitchassness should be a given, I feel I must explain this just in case. I do not want to be with another bitchass. I have met my lifetime quota. If you asked said men are they bitchasses they would say "no" alas, they are bitchasses. I do NOT want a child/baby/man to take care of. He needs to be a partner who is equal in intelligence and carries his own weight. There might be times when one of us has to put in more than the other. This is understandable and completely fine with me. However, when I have to do EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME because he is incompetent or always trying to get over or do some sideways hustle. Please do not waste your time. I am tired of being an unpaid personal assistant. Keep your business straight. Do not be sloppy with your finances. Must be acquainted with saving money, 401K , Roth IRA, NAZDAQ, financial planning, living below your means.. These things are non-negotiable. Actually everything I am writing is NON-NEGOTIABLE. This man must have excellent credit. Nothing under 700. Bad credit is a good indicator of irresponsibility. Also included in bitchassness is being a complete child. I am not your mother. If you want mothering you know her number and she would love the call. Know the difference between wants and needs as there is an enormous difference. He cannot fill his life with grown up toys and miscellaneous bullshit. Know how to fix things. My Dad was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam. Tougher than tough. He was a MAN. He could fix anything like MacGyver with bubblegum and toothpicks. I expect this man not to laze on the couch on the weekends watching Beverly Hills 90210 while I am cleaning, fixing, and running errands. That is bitchassness to me. Both of our cars should be washed EVERY Saturday morning and then household chores should be attended to. I do not want to hear a man wine ever ever ever again in my life. NEVER EVER! The sounds is repulsive. So. To conclude no bitchassness. I am not going to take care of you. I will compliment you, but unlike Beyonce I am NOT going to upgrade another man. Oh! I feel as if I have to mention no Chris Browns either. Notice how he is under no bitchassness.
FOURTH- This is the *adult* section of the rider. I like tall men. I'm done with short Napoleonic complex men. I consider tall over 6 feet although, five eleven or so is acceptable just not preferred. Must have good teeth. No swampmouth. Well dressed is a must. Tasteful cologne, but not so much that I have an asthma attack when he enters the room. Cleanliness is a given but not a man suffering from OCD. In decent shape is a must. Guts are not attractive on men, it takes away from that uber sexy V that men have. I want to see a V not a U. This guy must be hung. Sorry but it is preference. I have been with men so small you needed the Hubble Telescope to locate his penis. Now, on the flip side I have seen things so large, I decided to end the festivities immediately. Just have some serious heat. Also, no lousy looovvveerrrsss. I'm in my 30's now and have plenty of experience to draw from. I am a Scorpio, that in itself says a whole lot about my sexuality and skill level. I am no longer understanding in concerns to boring uninspired sex. Not eluding to expecting porn sex (every time), but please do not be a snooze in the sack. I am bringing Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik. Your passions should mirror my own. Do not think foreplay starts with palming my amazing chest or copping feels like a high school quarterback under the bleachers. That will not only get you no ass, I will be pissed off as well. There must be a smoldering sensuality about this man. His oral skills must rival those of die hard lesbians, and the stroke has to be on point. I am expecting spontaneity and little interludes in the most in evident places. Sex isn't restricted to the bedroom. Also a working knowledge of the differences between fucking, having sex, and making love is necessary. I will be expecting all three so be up on your game. Sexual appetites must be congruent. I am a lascivious woman with an unfortunate wandering eye when I am bored. If kept sustained, there will be no need to feel as if replacement hangs over head like the sword of Damocles.
I am officially accepting applications from all who believe they meet requirements and qualifications.
Why the absentminded oracle? I have an uncanny ability to predict the future. The problem is after I say something I forget I said it. So, these gem predictions only help people clever enough to pay attention when I am talkative. These predictions range from winning lottery numbers to the death of a person. They are all over the board. The monkey paw of this is, once again, I don't recall saying ANYTHING until someone reminds me what I said. Then, a mixture of creeped-out and pride overtake me.
