I Want A Lover *explicit*

I want a lover who can keep up with me sexually. My tastes are refined and my skills have been honed over years worth of practicing my craft. I do not want to waste my talents on someone who is not bringing to the table the same skill set I have. I'm not in my 20's anymore, no learning curves are being passed out. I believe it is true, one you reach your 30's you really start to hit your stride sexually. You have exhausted all patience with clumsy inexperienced men or women if that is your preference.

No more gropey fumbling with my clothes like some high school football player under the bleachers after a winning game. I want someone sensuous. A man who knows how to set the mood and build upon it. Knows that playing rap or rock music has its time and place. When I am in his bed, it is neither the time NOR the place to listen to anything remotely unsexy. I want him to play love songs, R&B, Maxwell, Prince.. Hell even John Mayer.. It can even be instrumentals. Just anything that is going to set the tone for the evenings festivities. Also, have good sheets. Nothing kills the mood faster than sheets so rough you feel as if you are being rubbed raw with newspapers and burlap bags. Candles. They provide just enough light to cast passionate shadows and heighten all of the senses other than sight. Also, I am not apposed to props or toys. They can be enhancers but one shouldn't rely on them solely.


Like I said.. He needs to know how to touch a woman. Know the difference of when to be rough and when to be gentle. When to be dominant and when to be submissive. So many one note lovers out there. Sex with them is like square dancing. The same thing over and over again in the same sequence. Any change throws them off and is deemed unacceptable. Touch is so important. I want him to understand that there are other parts of my body which need attention not just the obvious parts. Men tend to treat women like chicken parts. Breasts, legs, butts... What about your ears, the back of our necks, the back of our knees, inner thighs,  small of our backs? Nothing is sexier than a kiss on the back of the wrist. Nipples are not the only erogenous zone.

There is such a hurry for men to penetrate us. Slow down. Take your time. Men are always worried about lasting, well take your time to get to the main event. Sex isn't all about the phallus. It really isn't. Many women don't even experience the most intense pleasure from penetration anyway. I want a lover who understands that the world doesn't revolve around his penis. I want him to know true intimacy comes from eye contact, kissing, touching...

I want a lover who understands how to talk in bed. Pillow talk. Once again diversity is the key. Sometimes porn talk is amazing and other times sweet romantic well placed phrases are needed. Men underestimate how they can turn a woman on through words alone. Sex for us in in our minds. Reach our mind and the body automatically reacts. Hence why the romance novel business is a raging success. I want a lover to appreciate my body, all of it.. Every inch. He shouldn't be so reluctant to let me know what he is thinking or what is on his mind. Tell me what he wants as I will freely give it to him as he should for me. Sexual connections are strong but many times no matter how clairvoyant we are, I still need feedback.

As for oral sex. My lover needs to rival lesbians.  Literally. When they see him approaching they would give him the secret nod showing him respect for his skills. To me nothing is worse and more disappointing than bad or mediocre oral sex. I just hate it. I've been known to stop people in the middle of the act. I don't have any patience for bad oral. I know mine is.. otherworldly. I am always looking to pick up new tricks as should he.

My lover needs to know how to kiss and not just one method of kissing. He needs to know many different styles of kissing. Once again, I don't want an electric slide type of lover. Change things up. Keep me guessing as I will you. Breathe magic into my soul through the meeting of our lips. Know when to kiss with more intensity and when to leave gossamer kisses on my lips. Don't have limp hands while we kiss. Let them roam. NOT GROPE but roam. Caress. Stroke.

As for the act itself. My standards are pretty high. I am not in the mood anymore for a guy to climb on top and just jack hammer me into boredom.  Nor a man who only knows two positions. Men that only know one speed or stroke are also not welcomed. There needs to be a signature style and once again.. Hands need to be in play. You don't get a penalty for using hands. Innovation is a must. Porn sex is a fallacy. A man can't get a woman off just through mindless penetration. It just isn't possible. You can always tell when a guy watches too much porn because that is his method and he won't deviate from it.

After we are done my lover should NOT roll over and go to sleep. I truly hate that. Nothing is sexier than to shower together or being washed with warm towels. Listening to someone snore is just not a turn on. Spooning up to a woman should be the reward all men seek. Bodies which now have mingled scents is like the height of pheromonic ecstasy.  To run your hands over the vessel which brought you so much pleasure.. Nothing like it. I want my lover to kiss me all over. Place his thigh over mine. Twirl my hair on his fingers. I want him to take lecherous satisfaction in what he just did.

Yeah.. My expectations for a lover are very high but in return he is getting a very salacious lover in return. I am at the top of my game now. It is not like Martha Stewart sells pies at the local fair on the weekends for fun, or President Obama gives fee legal advice for kicks.  I want the best of the best. My tastes in lovers is specific. I can't be with someone who is childish or shy about sex. I need him to bring the pain literally and I will be his rainmaker.

FIN
5:04 PM | Category: , | 2 comments

My Last Words on the Faux Love of My Life


This is going to be the absolute last post I am going to pen about the former love of my life. The energy I spent on being shocked, sickened, upset, hurt, sad, and angry is just overwhelming. It is time to move on. There is one young lady who seems to be obsessed with how he treated her (she was the one who broke the entire sordid affair or I should say affairs considering they number in the high 30’s) Over the past two days I have spent over 6 hours trying to piece her together. Finally today I’d had enough of listening to her laminate on and on. I told her she was obsessed with him and to let it go. Kick ass advice.

Personally, I didn’t have a dog in this fight. The former love of my life was not stringing me along with promises of marriage or anything like that. We were maintaining a lovely friendship that I foolishly believed was built on the foundation of truth. I painfully have come to realize that is not so and I too have been the victim of manipulation and magnificently crafted lies.  I was hurting but luckily not in the same manner this young lady hurts. NOR am I in the same boat as the lady who left her husband believing they would be together, or the lady with his name tattooed across her chest, or the naieve 21 year old who believes he is her knight in shining armor. Also I am not like a quite a few women who confronted with the damming evidence decided to “stand by their man”. (This perplexes me considering the insurmountable and undisputable information gathered. Dates, pictures, names, IMs, emails.. All leading to Liar Town) No, I am not in the same mind state as them.

What I am disillusioned about is how a person who I loved so fiercely and unconditionally would do something so horrible to so many women? How could I not detect and suspect he was a sociopath? Truth is. I DID know something was up. I just had NO IDEA it was this. I feel like the parents of a serial killer. How could I let this go on during my watch? He distanced himself from his childhood best friend. It is easy to see why. Keeping up a web of lies this intercut is three full time jobs. I keep mulling over and over why didn’t I figure this out? Then I wonder why did I idolize someone who was clearly living a triple double life? Obviously I did not know him at all.  Nobody I could have feelings this strongly for could be so soulless. So unapologetic. So diabolically evil. Sociopathic. Demonic.

All these years I held men up to the D standard. All these years men came up sadly lacking. I would discard them in hopes of finding someone more like him. Even my ex-husband was chosen because on some levels he reminded me of D. I am now left to question, who is this person really? He is so many different things to different women. I ran off the gossamer memories of how perfect our relationship was and how he seemed like the perfect fit for me. Now I am pondering what was real and what was an illusion. He is clever magician. I was so busy watching the trick; I had no idea what his hands were actually doing.

Honestly, I feel free now. There is no D standard anymore. Men are who they are. I am not on the hunt to find a man exactly like him. Then being sorely disappointed when they are not like him after all. I am not naiveté enough to believe I will ever be in a relationship that takes no work. Relationships DO take work. How silly was I to believe that being with someone could be so organic so easy? Years of angst have been stripped off me. I am free now. Free of a ghost. Free of unrealistic ideals. In many ways I am grateful. The rest of my life is going to be so much easier without lugging around this phantom of unrealistic perfection.

So. Like the scene in Titanic, I am floating in the Atlantic. The former love of my life in the water dead.  My grip has been loosened and now I am watching his body sink to the bottom of the ocean. I am not sad anymore. This is a release for me. I am now free of my shackles. I am able to continue my life with the knowledge that my enchanted great love is out there and I will meet him with an open and pure heart. D’s memory will not taint my actions or thoughts. He is at the bottom of the Atlantic. He is gone.
Just like the movie I too have a very precious souvenir. He introduced me to his best friend many many years ago. We formulated a brother/sister bond. I ADORE this person. He is loyal, genuine, and NOTHING like his friend. NOTHING. As the lady kept the priceless necklace the heart of the sea, I am keeping him. There is no room for him at the bottom of the ocean. I would never discard a friendship as rare as ours. His best friend is MY heart of Brooklyn. For that I am very grateful.

FIN





12:35 PM | Category: | 0 comments

Crawling within Myself

Right now I can't deal.. I just can't deal. Too many things are hitting me hard and fast. Too many disappointments.. Too many problems.. I am in the middle of a thunderstorm. I feel small. Lost. Tired. I just can't deal. I don't have the energy and honestly I couldn't deal right now if I wanted to. Not too long ago I would run to twitter crush but that option has been removed.  The only thing left for me to do is to crawl into myself. Incubate. Heal. Alone. A place where it is quiet. A place where no one can reach me. I am retreating into my own cocoon.

I have just recently suffered the ultimate betrayal from someone so close to me I considered them my other half. My soul mate. My best friend above all best friends. Our friendship predated time, space, and reason. There was first us then the world. We were Alpha and Omega.  Of all the people to lie to, why me? I knew where the secrets were buried. I helped you dig the holes and personally burned the treasure maps. It was always us against the chaos. US. YOU. ME. We were together in this lifetime and many many lifetimes before this one.

I see now that we were predicated on lies. I am out of your Matrix. A pill was forced down my throat and now I see you for who you are. A LIAR. UN-LOYAL. SELFISH. How dare you bring God into this? I used to call you my Evening Star. In my life you shone first, brightest, and last. In reality you are the Morning Star. A fallen angel. Thrown out of heaven due to your actions.  You are the devil. Worse than the devil because even he would never be able to usurp your diabolical behavior. You are dead to me. I would mourn you, but I know now I never knew you at all.  What little part of me which was human you have destroyed.  I placed all my faith in humanity on your shoulders.  I believed in you.. Even after the first tremor I BELIEVED in you. Now I feel like I am in the final scene of the movie Fight Club. The entire city is exploding around me and all I can do it watch.


The things I have subsequently learned about you disgust me. I am freed from the guilt of believing I was responsible for creating the gollum you are. I now know that you are such a coward you are casting blame for your treachery  everywhere except where it belongs. It belongs solely with you. So my love, I place this gift back at your feet. It is yours and yours only to bear. Whatever happens in your future you earned it fair and square with no assistance from me. Your karma. Your karmic debt to pay. My accounts are clear now.  IT is funny how the memory works. When you need to recall a pertinent fact it will come to you. I wasn't the only guilty party in our game of deceit and lies back in college. YOU.. You taught me everything I know. For it was YOU who I caught with several other women after I had given up the cushy lifestyle my parents provided for me to live in poverty in the ghetto to be with you.


Now. All I want to do is go home. Crawl into my mother's big bed with the white starched linens and over-sized fluffy cloud pillows and go to sleep. I want to be comforted by her scent. I want to be around a person who truly loves me unconditionally.

I don't need you anymore for anything. Nor will I hold people up to the unobtainable standards constructed by the person I so foolishly thought you were for decades. I've peaked behind the curtain. You are not a wizard. You are a pathetic man pretending to be powerful yet instead you are weak and hide it through smoke and mirrors. Lies, falsehoods, and deceit.

I am retreating within myself. You used to be inside me, a part of my heart and soul. I've extracted it, exercised it, eradicated it. No longer do I consider you my one great love.. The love of my lives. The space is cleared for someone who deserves it. I've learned my karmic lesson. Our story ended today and in the next life there shall be no repeat.

FIN
6:22 AM | Category: , , | 0 comments

Things I Learned on Vacation

Last week I went home. Well. I went to Virginia Beach and to Washington DC. Whomever said you can never go home again must not have had my experience. It was extremely difficult to come back. Hell.. Even Delta airlines was working towards keeping me in Virginia. However, that is another story. A funny hilarious story but I will save it for another time. So. Yeah. Had the greatest time ever. It just reinforces my drive to move back to the east coast. It was nice being in an environment which is as familiar to you as your own body and surrounded around genuine people who love you without restrictions. I can't wait to crawl back into that nexus of happiness.

Things I Learned on Vacation
1. You can go home again.
2. Don't plan to have a cupcake tweet up unless you are in the city the day before. Otherwise you will be horribly late.
3. Virginia is a beautiful state full of intelligent and interesting people, it makes other states look really dumb.
4. People are smarter on the east coast. 
5. Do not buy your concert ticket till the day of in case it rains and you have no intention of getting wet.

6. Hang out with people who have similar interests otherwise you end out doing things you have no desire to do.
7. Target makes suprisingly nice skivvies.
8. Under pain of DEATH do NOT drive in DC!
9. People can disappoint you greatly no matter how much you invest in them.
10. What is considered hot is relative. Texas is hot.. Virginia is not.
11. Anne's car is rather zippy. I was doing 90 easily however, driving a stick in heels was uncomfortable when in stop and go traffic.

12. Yelp is a great help.

13. My exhusband isn't so bad. 
14. Georgetown Cupcakes are worth waiting in long lines.

15. Always have a back up plan, and another one, and another one.
16. Do not bring booze to Anne's house. She has that totally covered.

17. It is fun to teach naughty tricks to dogs which are not your own.
18. Green vacations are the way to go. GREEN VACATIONS.
19. When having dinner with kooks, just keep them talking about themselves, eventually someone will cry and it won't be you.
20. The drive into DC makes you hum patratoic songs and feel proud to be an American where at least you know you are free...

21. You will not get to see all of your friends. Don't try. It will only stress you out.
22. It is OK to drink copious amounts of liquor on your vacation. Not like you have to dry out to go to work.
23. I miss the beach. 

24. I really miss my friends.
25. I left my heart on the east coast. 
26. DO NOT FLY DELTA AIRLINES! 

27. Some people/ things are never as good as the first time.

Yep that is my list. I MUST MUST MUST mention Ray's Hell Burger in Arlington, Virginia. The burgers there are what dreams are made of.
 They are so good even the Prezzie eats there!

Georgetown Cupcakes are the best cupcakes in the UNIVERSE. It is no wonder they have a show.

7:29 AM | Category: , , , , | 1 comments

Death of Twitter Crush

So.. Yeah.. For over a year I have had this school girl crush on someone I met on twitter. We do not live in the same state or time zone even so our relationship has been basically lots and lots of talking. Somewhere in these marathon talk sessions I managed to lift Twitter Crush's feet off of the ground and onto a pedestal. People would be compared to Twitter Crush and would always come out on the losing end. How could anyone compete with basically an enigma or a character I basically created from components of reality and filled in the gaps with my imagination? The creative liberties I allotted myself to generate this perfect person are.. well.. epically delusional. While I was doing this I knew it was wrong but at the time I felt I needed a super hero. Twitter Crush was my crutch. A fantasy I could escape to when I needed repsite from the real world.


As with all fairy tales they have an ending.. When you dream, eventually you wake up. I am awake now. My eyes are open and I have finished typing out the last line on the last page of my fantasy novel. Twitter Crush is a real person with real frailties. The person I thought they were.... They really are not. The person I created doesn't exist. I clung on to the ideal of this perfect person only to be reminded that this phantom is fake. I am a tad bit sad as I mourn Twitter Crush, however it was past time for me to get a grip. Twitter Crush outstayed the welcome. I extended credit where it was unwarranted and undue. Twitter Crush is now dead, and the real person has been resurrected.


Thanks for the memories Twitter Crush wherever you are. You really helped me out through several rough patches in the past 18 or so months, but it is time to let you go. I did you a great disservice reshaping you into something and someone you are not. You were my crutch for quite a while.. Now it is time for me to walk alone. I hope you got as much out of our friendship as I did.


FIN
5:22 AM | Category: , | 0 comments

Disillusion
This may be the most cryptic post I have ever written. Usually I spread myself bare and say whatever is on my mind no matter how ugly but I just can't do it this time. It would make this too real. I am not ready for it to be real. I don't think I know how to handle my real feelings yet.

The worst feeling ever is finding out something isn't what you thought it was. The disappointment and let down is crushing as if a 1000 pounds of diamonds suddenly landed on your head. I spend a lot of time counseling people oh how to deal with disappointment. I KNOW the tools and methods on how to refocus and move on... BUT.. Right now.. It seems like I want to wallow in my disappointment. I want to wear it like a Diane Von Furstenberg dress. Let it fit my figure perfectly. I want to feel sorry for myself. Throw a pity party. I just want to FEEL the misery which oddly enough I worked so hard toward. Empty. Lost. Disappointed.


I am always telling people things happen for a reason. So. Perhaps I will look for the lesson in this. One day. But right now.. I just want to strut around in my garment to disillusion and disappointment. After all.. Right now I am wearing it well.
My Wallowing Outfit for my Pity Party
FIN
1:46 AM | Category: | 1 comments

Secruity Blanket OR Super Girl Cape?


I have to admit, the debacle with my hair had me offline sorta. I just didn't feel like myself walking around with jacked up hair.  I am a high self monitor and present myself to the world in a very specific controlled way. If I committed a crime the witnesses who worked with a sketch artist, would describe me something like this "well... she was wearing super high heel shoes, big hair, long eyelashes, and really nice perfume” Basically that is the sum of my parts. No matter what size I am, believe me I run up and down the scale like that little mountain climber on the Price Is Right. However, some things do not waiver. I have long hair, high heels, make up on, and perfume... Oh! Killer jewelry too! The awful haircut was an experiment that went horribly wrong. I found a combination that worked well and I tried to tweak it. 


So. Now I am thinking. Am I my hair? Is my hair my Super Girl Cape or is it actually my Security blanket? While my hair was all jankey, I stopped wearing make up, rarely wore perfume, and spent a lot of my time in grubby sweats. Not the glam gear I usually wear. In fact I rarely accessorized. I really didn't put myself together and had the attitude you are lucky I even showed up for this shit. (I even had that attitude at work) Lots of people saw a change in me and swore I lost my "sparkle". I think I even stopped flirting. For me to cut back on the flirtatiousness is like Oprah giving up all of her money to live in the poverty of her youth. Preposterous! Absolutely preposterous. Is my personality and sense of self connected directly to my hair? Well. YES. Sorry India.Are. I AM MY HAIR. It is part of the package and if one part is off the whole house of cards comes crashing down.

Yesterday I went back to my regular hairdresser. We proceeded to trash the chick that butchered my hair; I apologized profusely for cheating on her, and left a larger tip than normal. The results. After a 2 month hiatus... I'm Baaaaack Byches! My Super Girl Cape is back on!  The summer of Blood Sugar Sex Magic is back on! 
Cue Green Light by John Legend 


FIN
9:05 AM | Category: | 1 comments

Get a Hobby!


I am that friend who hardly ever gives advice. It always strikes people as odd considering of anyone I would be the most qualified to hand out sage.  Yet, when people come to me venting I am pretty much long on silence and short on advice. My theory concerning giving a friend advice is you are asking for trouble. Number one, most of the time people do not even want advice anyway. They just want to either vent OR want you to validate what they are already going to do anyway. So why interject reality into their world of fantasy?  My rule is to strictly listen and give enough verbal encouragement to signify that I hear their voice. However, there are just those times when you have to say something.
Two of my closest friends are neurotic as hell. I mean it in the cutest possible way. They are sweetly neurotic. One I always tease saying she hits the panic button first and the other I call certifiably crazy as hell. Now. Oddly enough having nutty friends comes in handy. If I ever want to do something I know is completely insane, I call said friend H. No matter what I come up with, no matter how unworldly it seems, it never fazes her.. Not one little bit. The other friend A comes in handy when you want to get all worked up over something. When you have the most miniscule slight and want to make a volcano out of a molehill she is your girl to call. Many times she will be MORE upset than you about the issue that has you pissed off. So to conclude my backtracking.. The people closest to me get no advice from me and are nutty as fruitcakes. 

AS you can imagine I am privy to a lot of their antics. For the most part I sit and listen to anything they throw my way with reverence and monk like patience. However, even Zen Oracle can reach her limit. It is during these small breaking points when I break down and actually give advice. Well.. My type of advice, which is sparse to say the least. Although they each have different situations and completely different approaches to life, I ended up giving them the same advice. They each laminated on and on about their lives and finally the dam broke. I sorta snarled at each of them separately “Get a hobby”. I MIGHT have said get a damn hobby, but that wouldn’t have been ladylike or best friend award winning. The damn part might have been in my head. Amazingly enough, they took my advice.
They BOTH got hobbies. Not only did they get hobbies, their hobbies opened all sorts of doors, which enhanced their lives for the better. H’s major complaint was she didn’t have friends or any fun activities to participate in. Sooo.. She joined the roller derby. At first I was a little shocked by the hobby she picked but hey? I said get a hobby, I didn’t PICK the hobby so what can I say? It wasn’t long before I saw the positive changes in her life. H gained a bunch of friends, lost weight, went on all sorts of trips, and oddly enough met the love of her life. Go fuckin figure! I am so happy for her I could just run up and down the streets passing out cupcakes. She is a far happier person now that she has her “hobby”. Honestly, I can’t imagine her life without the roller derby now. It has become sonorous with her identity. 

Flash forward to A. She recently moved home after a tumultuous marriage. For the first months she wasn’t doing well adjusting to living at home after being on her own for over a decade. Weeks went by and she barely left the house, yet the bemoaning and complaining reached an all time high. Finally.. She got the same advice. Get A DAMN HOBBY.. I think I might have said damn to her. So. She started running. Go A Go! Next thing I know the chick is running marathons! MARATHONS! She went from zero to running races. Oddly enough, the same results apply. She got all sorts of endorphin rushes, lost a ton of weight, gained a ton of new friends, because socially active, and met someone. Number one.. Good for her. Number two.. What the hell? I am passing out this kick ass advice like Christmas candy and not taking it myself. 

I need to take my own damn advice. I need to get a DAMN hobby. SHIT! What the hell? I think the get a hobby advice as a bit of magic in it. Weight loss (sign me up), new friends (sign me up), and meeting an amazing man (HELL YEAH PUT ME DOWN). So. I need to get a hobby, but what hobby should I choose? I am not going to join the Roller Derby. As violent as I am (in mouth only) the thought of getting hit is a BIG turnoff. The roller girl outfits are a HUGE turn on. Especially getting a roller girl name. I sorta wanted an honorary name like “Death by Chocolate” or “Death by Cupcake”. Running? No damn way. I am NOT a runner by far. So that is totally out. I prefer swimming over running. Which basically is a solo deal. No way you can have a swimming buddy. Conversation while doing laps is pretty impossible. So. Hobby.. Hobby.. Hobby.. I recently bought new baseball gloves (they are a delicious shade of pink) and I also bought a new tennis racquet (cotton candy pink). So. Let’s see where this hobby shit goes. At the VERY least I will to lose some damn weight. If I am lucky I might actually get a life and quite possibly a man.

FIN
7:06 AM | Category: , , , | 0 comments

I Am


I have been struggling to write this particular entry for a while. The level of introspection and accountability I am about to reveal is very deeply personal. I am finally exposing myself for who I truly am and it is not pretty.. Not pretty at all. So here goes.
I am a daughter
I am a teacher
I am a psych
I am a loyal friend
I am a former wife
I am a cheater
There I said it out loud.. I am a cheater. Wow.. I finally said it out loud.

Over the years I have been in many relationships. I tried to explain away my fidelity challenged behaviors as “vine jumping”. Testing out a replacement for the person I was currently with, rather than taking a leap and just being alone. An eloquent reasoning for the ugly truth. Cheating. I would pretty much hop from relationship to relationship whenever I got bored. Sadly, my attention span for being coupled is very very low. I attribute it to being a Scorpio but really, there is obviously something wrong with me. 

When I am with someone, once the relationship starts to get comfortable, boring, or just plain old, I start justifying looking for a way out. Then everything the person does is amplified to the inth degree to make them seem far worse than they are. My way of justifying what I am about to enviably do. Have I ever tried to work on the relationship? Communicate to my partner in order to fix it? No. Not really. I would just railroad them in my court of law where I am the judge, jury, and executioner. Sentences would be passed out without the knowledge of my partner. They basically were out their way out without even knowing it. Lambs to the culling.  My behavior would change ever so slightly, yet almost impossible to detect. I would continue to do almost the same things but modify my attitude and responses very subtly. I had checked out. Oracle had left the building. During this state of relationship purgatory, I would be on the hunt. The hunt for the replacements.

This.. This is the point where I slip from girlfriend to.. Cheater. I have always managed to conceal my actions but when I first stated these maladaptive behaviors I hadn’t perfected them. So. Basically N caught me with D.. Later D caught me with well.. D caught me with quite a few people. After that I became a master at my craft. There are rules and tricks to cheating and never getting caught and I was Miss Mistoffelees. I could weave such a magic spell on my current partner they would never in a million years believe I had the time, or inclination to step out. But it did. I cruelly justified my behavior by applying the “what you don’t know can’t hurt you attitude” until I officially broke it off. However, my break ups have been ugly as well. My most destructive break up was with D. I just started bringing men home to the apartment we shared. I suppose with him I wanted him to pay attention to me. The more I acted out, the more he receded into himself. My reaction was to wild out even more. We were in a vicious cycle. Eventually I moved out and never saw him again. Flash forward to now. My behavior affected him in many ways I could have never predicted. He has so many emotional walls that no woman since has been able to get close to him. Even now I can’t scale them to get near his heart. Actually I don’t blame him when it comes to me. I wouldn’t trust me either.  He has never been married, he has never really committed to one single woman, and recently he was caught cheating. I feel completely and totally responsible for this. It is like a child molester passing down the behavior to another generation.  Red dye in a can of white paint, my behavior has forever changed a perfectly good man. The guilt of what I have done has kept me up many nights and ruled my thoughts during quiet times during the day.
I know you are wondering if I vine jumped in my marriage. The answer is no.. And yes.. Although I did not physically cheat on my ex-husband, emotionally I was having my needs fulfilled in other places. I should have been able to go to him to quench these needs but he was either unwilling or unable to do it. So, I sought relief elsewhere. I had several emotional crutches that I utilized. More than half of my marriage I was emotionally checked out. Nobody could cut to the quick of my psyche like he did. My defense mechanism was to retreat within myself for safety. Once I had exhausted my reserves I started seeking out things and people who would and did build me up. Considering I am in outpost Texas it was easy to stay celebrate as #1 I was completely turned off by men, #2 I had no desire to make any friendships here male or female, #3 I was completely disgusted by ANYONE who possessed the XY chromosome combination. Just disgusted. Ugh. (I am still working on not being bitter and turned off by men)
So now.. Now that I am free of the ties that bind, what is my next move? Out into this brave new world where will I go? What will I do? Well. I don’t actually know. Relationships are out of the question. I have a lot of work to do. I have a life to rebuild. Being in a relationship will only complicate things in a time where I need my life to be as simple as possible. I do take comfort in knowing that I CHOOSE to be a different person. I CHOOSE to not exhibit these destructive behaviors. And one day.. If I am very lucky, I will meet someone who will get the best of me all the time, nothing withheld, no deathwatch clock countdown. I will be committed fully for once in my life.
FIN

6:01 PM | Category: , | 0 comments

I Don't Like You
Just some things that have been running through my cantankerous head. Bear with me. If any of this applies to you.. Oh well. Now you know.

I don't like you...

If you do not clean up after your dog at the dog park.. I don't like you!
If you use the word "conversate"... I don't like you!
When I have a book or my headphones going on and you insist on talking to me.. I don't like you!
If you don't like dogs and make a big deal out of it.. I don't like you!
If you can't handle your booze and act like a drunken fool... I don't like you!
If you don't follow social cues and stand out in a crowd in the wrong kind of way.. I don't like you!
If you have asked me or will ask me "are you pregnant"?... I REALLY don't like you!
If you are obviously thin and keep telling people how fat you are.. I don't like you!
If I work with you.. Most likely I don't like you!
If you give unsolicited advice.. I don't like you!
If you tell me "no".. Chances are.. I don't like you!
If you are old enough to drink and all into Twilight like a Letiurneau.. I don't like you!
If you are a man and trying to hit on me with gold teeth.. I don't like you!
It needs to be mentioned one more time.. If you are all defensive about Twilight.. I don't like you!
FIN
3:23 PM | Category: | 1 comments

College Courses for Men

I have been thinking relationships would be so much easier if men took courses on how to get along better with women. Personally after being miserably married for years and years I feel like I am completely qualified to teach said courses.


Oracle's Class Listing for Fall 2010 (ORL)

ORL 208. A (MWF) 11-1  How to not act like an ass although you obviously are an ass
ORL 317. B (T) 12-3        Understanding the female response to spending too much money on     
                                          magic beans & beer                         
ORL 229. A (NET)           Understanding your financial incompetence
ORL 667. A (TBA)          How to go shopping with women and not wander off
ORL 851. A (TTH) 5-6:45 The art of keeping your mouth shut will save your life
ORL 400. B (MWF) 2-3  Acting like a child is not sexy
ORL 646. B (TH) 7-9      You too can be a designated driver
ORL 717. A (NET)          How to take an illness like a man woman
ORL 902. A (NET)          Just because our nipples are hard doesn't mean it is an indication of arousal
ORL 887. B (TBA)          You too can do housework
3:05 PM | Category: | 0 comments