I Have Recently Lost Some Stability
Today is Thankful Tuesday. Last week I lost some of the stability in my life so I am trying to focus on the things I still have and be thankful for them.

Yeah.. I still don't have that pink Rolex I but I do have a job. These days just staying gainfully employed is a big deal.

I might not live in the mc mansion my friend Janee lives in (and believe me her house is stunning, she even had an interior designer furnish it) however, I do own my own home. I am thankful for my car.
I am thankful I can still afford to pay for it.

I am thankful for Puppykins. He makes me laugh uncontrollably daily. I am thankful for my family and friends. They never ever miss an opportunity to show me (rather than pay lip service) how much they love me. I am thankful I am able to pay my student loans. I am thankful for my health and shaky mental stability. And last but not least I thank God I am smart. So basically I have a LOT to be thankful for.
this picture reminds me of me and Heather
FIN
11:24 AM | Category: | 0 comments

I Am In A Minor Panic


There are so many things going on in my life right now. The harder I try to make sense of them or control the outcomes the more things careen out of my control. This totally sucks, as I am a serious control freak. It totally sucks. I should use my six dollar vocabulary but honestly no word explains how things are going for me besides the word “sucks” or any durative of the word suck. Like sucktastic, suckariffic, suckaroo, suckassdom… I could go on and on. 

I am specifically pissed off  because I do not have health insurance anymore. This week it was ripped from underneath my smug high heels.  These days it is a liability to NOT have health insurance. Things happen. People get sick. People need medicine. One minor illness and I could be in financial ruin. A major illness and I would just kill myself as I could never ever pay a hospital bill upwards of $80,000 or more.

Through no fault of my own I have now fallen into the category of the millions of people without health insurance.  I am panicking. It has been years since I haven’t had health insurance. I remember the times when I would medicate with large doses of NyQuil followed by Jack Daniels chasers. Or when I had a toothache I would take BC powder mixed with Coke (the soda clowns the soda) to make the pain go away. It is my belief that all of this Oracle sideways doctoring has altered my body. Case and point  I now have the weakest stomach on the face of the earth. I can’t even think about ordinary things without gagging to the point of throwing up (the idea of meatloaf is a common culprit of intense gagging). Forget watching an episode of CSI. That is totally out. 

I am a working adult. I have what some people consider a professional career. I am the proud owner of several advanced degrees and about to add PHD to the alphabet soup behind my name. I take care of children society doesn’t want around. Pretty self-sacrificing no? A altruistic member of society. Shouldn't I be rewarded for the self sacrificing route I took? I am doing a job not many people want to do.  Yet. I don’t have health coverage. Getting hurt at my job is a very real concern. Staff gets hurt here all of the time.  Not little injuries either. Nurses have been punched so hard by clients they have passed out and suffered irreparable damage. Other staff have hurt their backs, had their arms broken, broken noses, concussions galore, torn ACLs, bitten to the point of needing stitches, scratched, spit on by clients with HIV, bruised. The list goes on and on.  Sometimes we look like the extra cast for the movie Braveheart. I am petrified something is going to happen to me and workmen’s comp is only going to go so far and I will be left in the wind barely mended with Band-Aids and a hope. 

I am so sick of the health care debate. Why in the HELL would Americans NOT want all of us to be covered by a health care plan? I am not an irresponsible person. I pay all of my taxes. I am a homeowner. I have never been on public assistance. I have always worked sometimes even two jobs. I have paid my dues. Why cannot I be covered? Please don’t get me started on preexisting conditions either. I never ever tell my doctors about any of my allergies or asthma when they make me fill out s questioners. I DEFINITELY do not mention several of my family members have died of cancer. Cancer is the kiss of death for disqualification under preexisting conditions.
I know living without health insurance is very temporary. However, no one schedules sickness or accidents. If people could be sick when it was convenient I am sure we would never schedule sickness. This predicament makes me feel fragile. Delicate. Human. Helpless. So. For the next 6 months I am going to be as healthy as possible. I am going to tip toe around the more dangerous clients. I doubt I will run to a code green (bad news) or a code 99 (basically a riot. Quite dangerous indeed). This affects my job. I don’t have the back of my coworkers like I should if I was confident I would be taken care of. Hell. My new cautiousness  could cause one of them to get seriously hurt. This sucks. It totally sucks. I don’t have health insurance so I can’t really perform my job to the same ability I used to when I did have coverage. This is a circular concept considering I am taking care of children society doesn’t want to or can’t deal with. They are here hurting US rather than in society hurting YOU. Once I get hurt I am going to be left without a way to properly repair the damage. What a lovely thank you for a job well done.
FIN
11:21 AM | Category: | 0 comments

The Song That Spoke To My Heart

Very few songs move me to tears. Amazing Grace. (no brainier it makes most people cry) Hey Mamma by Kanye West. I identify with his intense love for his mother and her desire for him to get a college degree and make something of himself. There may be a few random songs here and there that might make me misty however, when I heard this song last night at work, I actually broke down and cried. When you are leaving someone there is always a last ditch hail Mary attempt to save something irreparably broken.

Music speaks to your heart.. To your soul.. Although this song is supposed to be R&B I find it reminding me of a country song. The lyrics are so beautifully human. Delicately personal. Wonderfully emotional.

The song is called "Why Would You Stay" by Kem. If you haven't heard it I suggest you listen to it. Even if you are not an R&B fan. This song transcends race, musical taste, gender, socioeconomic status... It just is perfectly speaking to the hearts of all of us who have been here. This song is very moving. If my ex had played this song for me, who knows? I might still be married. Perhaps for a little while longer till he did some colossal fuck up he is so well known for.

I have generously provided the words.

Why Would You Stay"

There's a light shining on you.
And baby I'm trembling inside.
Loved a woman that I barely knew,
I must've been outta mind.

Ohhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
Hey I
I was a fool to ever let you down
So why would you stay?

Woman I beg your forgiveness
And I'll do whatever it takes
And may the Lord be my witness
Honey I never meant to treat you this way
Sugar your heart has been broken
But I could still see true love shine in your eyes
When every word has been spoken
Woman I'll love you for the rest of my life

Ohhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
Hey I
I was a fool to ever let you down
So why would you stay?

Oh baby
Don't know why, why you would stay
Baby
Baby
You're my baby
Hey girl

Yeahhhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
Girl IIIIIIIIIII
I was a fool to ever let you down
But I want you to staaaaay
Girl I
I'll never hurt you again
Baby
I know you deserve a better man
Girl I
Girl I
I was a fool to ever let you down
But I want yooooou... to stay.
10:45 AM | Category: | 0 comments

I Need Prayer and I AM Not Too Proud To Beg

I found a job that will solve many of my problems
Pray for me

I need to leave my current position before I get seriously hurt by one of the clients. It is only a matter of time
Pray for me

Today I am sending my resume with a hopeful heart to the place of employment where it has been my dream to work
Pray for me

I haven't put all of my eggs in one basket, I have also applied for other positions
Pray for me

The job market is so competitive and I feel selfish asking for prayers when so many people do not even have employment
Pray for me

I can't stay where I am much longer, it is driving me crazy. Literally crazy
Pray for me

Something has to change for the better soon
Pray for me

I am holding on by a fraction of a thread
Pray for me

This job will be my lifeline and a leap into the direction of a more fulfilling life
Pray for me

Pray for me as I pray for you all
Religious background unimportant
All prayers are welcome
All prayers are greatly appreciated
All prayers are returned
Just whatever you do
Please Please Please
Pray for me

FIN
6:19 AM | Category: , , | 2 comments

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I am sleeping.. A LOT.. Actually I have nickanmed myself the Napster and Puppykins is Naparoo. I know sleeping is a side effect of depression. I understand and accept this.

Every day I spend in Texas my soul dies a little bit more. Fixing my situation is not moving as quickly as I would like. However, I don't want to spend all sorts of time focusing on poor me bullshit.

So I sleep.. And I dream of a better reality. I color my dreams to be what I want my life to be. In my dreams I am happy. So I sleep to be content.

One day I will find out first hand what Dr. Seuss means. Till then. I will be sleeping for in that sleep of death what dreams may come. Dreams of freedom, love, stability, laughter, happiness, and joy.

FIN
12:57 AM | Category: | 0 comments

Eric Northman VS Alcide Herveaux!
I am totally obsessed with True Blood. Last season I got hooked thanks to people on twitter and now.. Well.. Let's just say it has taken over my life. I have NO shame. These vampires aren't child molestors nor do they sparkle. (Yes that was a Twilight dig) I have been using the Sookie Stackhouse novels like hits of crack. In 7 days, I've read 10 books, and I've even read my favorites several times.

The books are mildly different from the HBO series, but no matter. They are both amazing. Personally I think Bill in the books as well as the series is a Pansy Candypants. I have definite favorites from the books but to keep this simple, and only discuss the characters who are on the HBO series.  I will hold a True Blood-Sexiest-character-off between Eric Northman the Viking sex god and Alcide Herveaux the Shreveport pack leader.  Ready? Let's Go!
Sookie and Bill are the same height how cute!

Who has the best body? A Vampire or Werewolf?


Vamp or Were?
The decision is getting harder and harder
Decisions decisions!

Eric or Alcide?

Eric wins for me!
This is one sexy cast of characters.
I couldn't post without mentioning Lafayette Reynolds. I am delighted he is part of the show since he isn't a main character in the books.
FIN
12:24 PM | Category: , , | 7 comments

Frasier C Puppykins Doesn't Give A Damn


Every morning when I come home Frasier is always ecstatic to see me. He jumps, yelps and practically buzzes with unbridled joy at the sight of my work weary carcass. (Well not that work weary, as I don’t dig ditches or perform manual labor) It always makes me giggle a little how delighted he is just to have his Mommy home. To him my return never gets old. Eating the same thing twice a day, day in and day out doesn’t seem to wear on his nerves either.
I started thinking.. What does this puppy really care about? The things that compile his list are very simplistic. Number one. He cares about me. But then again? Who wouldn’t? I’m frickin wonderful. Second. He cares about using the restroom outside as when he does it INSIDE he gets a face full of bitter apple spray, a spanking, and a one way ticket to his crate. All things undesirable in his estimation. Third. He cares about the delivery of his breakfast, snack, and dinner. Also proper hydration is imperative to Frasier. Lastly he cares about playing preferably with yours truly Wonderful Oracle, in a pinch other dogs will do. So basically Frasier only cares about his basic needs.

In contrast, he DOESN’T care about all the silly shit that I seem to constantly obsess about. Frasier doesn’t care about my weight. Whether I am a size 6 (wonderful) or a size 12 (not as wonderful) he doesn’t give a damn. He also doesn’t care that no matter how much I exercise or do crunches I have a poochy belly. Frasier doesn’t care if I am not wearing make up or my hair isn’t brushed and styled to perfection. In fact he likes my hair loose and wild so he can paw at it while I am trying to take a nap. Frasier doesn’t care about my job at all. No matter how tired I am, or if clients have gotten on my nerves all night he could care less. Frasier doesn’t care if the house is a mess and there is laundry piled up as high as skyscrapers in New York City. Actually he aids in the destruction of the house as soon as his toys are put away he drags them right out of the toy box and places them exactly where he believes they belong. Nope. Frasier doesn’t have OCD high cleanliness standards pertaining to our shared habitat.
 Another thing he doesn’t care about.. My car. He doesn’t judge me if the car is not washed and shining like a black pearl. As long as we can jump in it and go places he is perfectly content. Frasier doesn’t care that I have become a recluse. Actually he seems to like it as I am spending all of my free time being his entertainment. My lack of a sex life is just fine with him.  Another thing that has never crossed his mind is the fact I will inevitably need to get braces AGAIN. Due to the lack of wearing my retainers my teeth aren’t movie star perfect anymore. Puppykins doesn’t even notice what my teeth look like. He also doesn’t have a concept of “bad food”.  Fried chicken, pizza, ice cream, cupcakes, greasy Chinese food, French fries… To him all food is good food till he ate a big chunk of one of my hairpieces and threw it up. He doesn’t care that I haven’t finished my PHD or that I am divorced. Nope. Doesn’t faze him at all.  The copious amounts of television I watch or how I voraciously read is of no concern to Frasier. To him it is snuggle up with Mommy time and snore so loudly she has to turn the sound up.

So I find myself thinking.. If Frasier doesn’t give a damn about these things, why the hell should I? He might be on to something.
 He does care about getting a bath. Unfortunately, Momma doesn't like for Puppykins to smell like taco corn chips in the sun, so he will be getting one of those. 
FIN
5:56 AM | Category: , | 0 comments