It is no secret I am addicted to to reality TV. I don't know if it is the psych in me who loves to analyze things (I fully know this crap is scripted) or just a voyeuristic urge to peek into the lives of extremely lackadaisical overly primped, plucked, plastic surgeried and painted women. I spend hours upon hours on twitter pointing and laughing about the pure fuckery these bitches allow to be filmed each week. Annnnd it all started with a little show on Bravo called The Real Housewives of OC.
These women had NO idea what they started. Five women living the life in Coto de Caza, Orange County letting a camera crew film their lives then cleverly edit and splice story lines together to make them look even more foolish and desperate than they could accomplish on their own. We have the bitchy villain Vikki Gunvalson, the sexy young gold digger with a heart Jo De La Rosa, the businesswoman turned super mom Kymberly Bryant, high end real estate agent with the out of control kids and the Playboy past Jeana Keough, and lastly the single mom with dreams of marrying up Lauri Waring. Who knew the lives of suburban women raising families would be more interesting. Little did we know these pampered princesses lived lives like the rest of us. Job losses, humongous debt due to living outside of their means, foreclosure, cheating spouses, sexless marriages, serious illness, terminal cancer, work schedules so packed they barely parent their children... the list goes on and on..
I will say out of the flames of poverty Lauri rose like a gold digging Phoenix and managed to marry a millionaire. She accomplished the Pretty Woman dream.
From OC more cities were recruited to embarrass their citizens through the absurdness of the behavior of bored ass "housewives".
Much to my delight.. The Real Housewives moved to my favorite place in the world.. NEW YORK CITY! I loved everything! It filled my need for a NY fix since Sex in the City left me like a disgruntled lover in the middle of the night. Watching these women navigate the streets of Manhattan in black towncars and seeing the skyline of NYC almost made Texas tolerable for one hour a week. Then.. The CAT FIGHTS started. No woman can brawl like a chick from NYC. NO WOMAN! In Real Housewife fashion there were spats between the women over basically nothing.. A slight here a jab there. Out of no where powie! Nude photos of Alex McCord from the past surfaced, after seeing them I wish they had stayed buried. Bethenny Frankel ran off a sorta fiancee and he eventually lost his job. She eventually snagged a husband, baby, and her own spin off show. Jill Zarin started off as the warmhearted momma of the bunch then before our eyes turned into a mean girl clicky bitch. Countess uh can we call her Countess now? Um.. LuAnne de Lesseps husband the Count dumped her for some African princess and she was catapulted out of her posh Manhattan townhouse into her just as cushy home in exile in the Hamptons. Then horror of horrors.. She started singing. Money may not be able to buy you class but it can provide voice lessons. Ramona Singer with the crazy eyes and always saying the wrong thing at the right time provided hours of entertainment.
My very favorite moment of all time from the NY cast was when Kelly Bensimon went nuts in the Caribbean.. EPIC! With pictures like this it is HARD to believe she was/is a model.
Then wonder of wonder.. They thought it would be a marvelous idea to take the crazy train to Atlanta! The cast has been shaken up several times but the drama still remains Georgia peach flavored and deadly as an oleander bloom. NeNe Leeks can only be described as a shiny penny from the ghetto. Kim Zolciak is the biggest spending, no job having, sucking penis for a Bentley, materialistic old prostitute television has ever seen. This Big Poppa business is so ridiculous, and just when we were about to really get sick of her, she started singing. NeNe and Kim are permanent frienenimies.
Best quote ever "Kim is a low down dirty monkey with a wig on" I can't even type that without laughing till tears roll down my cheeks. Sherree Whitfield had a secret love child she tried to keep hidden, as I suppose having a kid who is in her mid 20's forces Sherree to either be older than she wants to portray or a slutty hot in the ass teenager. She also *cough* designs clothes and *double cough* acts. Another delusional woman spending her way right into debt oblivion. Khandi Burrus an accomplice on the horrid song Tardy for the Party usually has a boring story line. Although, her former fiancee who was the father of over 10 children was murdered. Still kinda boring. The two new members of the cast seem snooze worthy so I won't bother mentioning them. Well.. I will say Phaedra Parks being a lawyer married to a felon does have quite a twist. I can't wait to see where this is going.
I do love Dwight and all of his gay extra fabulousness.. How could you not? He is just soo ghey.
Then Jersey got it's shot. Ludicrous! These women really cranked up the crazy to level ten then turned the knob a few more times for good measure. Danielle Staub (her current name) showed how insane a person could really be. She played the victim like old Miss Haversham in her crumbling home. THEN.. Her past came up. Hooker, drug addict, FBI informant, the list goes on and on.. Mostly.. Danielle is the loser of friends.
Danielle in her "Love and Light" moment no doubt. How can we forget the wonderful table flipping incident at dinner?
This is either the face of someone ferociously pissed off OR the face of someone insane... OR both... You choose. Either way the phrase "prostitution whore" has been used around my home many many times since much to my delight.Teresa Giudice went totally banannas and sent the whole room running for cover when she flipped the table, or the moniker on the show "Italian Table Flip". On another note, everyone wants to have Carloine Manzo as their mother. Hands down she seems like one of the most grounded women out of all the Housewives Franchises. Plus she is just damn cool.
The Housewives of DC were so boring.. So very very very boring I am not even going to break down the season. The best card they could have played was the White House Crashers. The Salahis! They are on another planet seriously. They have financial problems average people could never fathom, yet jet off to Paris to a hip hop concert and waltz into the White House as if they own it. PRICELESS. By the way.. WHO names a horse Sparkle?
She does! She also looks foolish in that sari. Quick someone force feed her some soul food so she can stop looking like a gaunt escapee from the Bastille. Pale and half dead. The woman looks 1.5 pounds above organ failure.
Now it is Beverly Hills turn to commingle us. These women actually HAVE money. Lisa VanderPump, Adrienne Maloof, Camille Grammer, and Kim Richards have undeniable money. They also have mild drama. Well.. Actually Camille Grammer seems like she is bipolar. What an uber bitch! No wonder Kelsey left her ass.. She is so delusional she actually called Kelsey "the greatest actor in the world".. Huh? What? This instillation of the Housewives is rather boring but I do like watching the lives of actual wealthy people.
They recently had a casting call for Houston. I can't wait to see who will step off of the Preposterous Train in the Lone Star State. Chances are.. It is going to be hilarious. My finger is ready for pointing and I'm ready to laugh.
FIN
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