It is no big secret that since the moment I put my high-heeled feet on Texas soil, I have been miserable. I gave it a chance. Hell I gave it many many chances o grow on me, but let’s face it. Texas is a culture all of its own. One I do not understand nor do I want to partake in. I just don’t fit in here and that is fine with me. For me to become a Texan would cause me to radically change the crux of who I am and that is just not going to happen. There is something to be said for fitting in or even making a situation work for you, but it shouldn’t be done at the cost of your immortal soul. At least, that is what I believe. With that said. The last year has been one of the roughest years I’ve had in Texas. That says a lot. Each year has been pretty taxing and full of challenges; however, last year was the worst yet. 

I should focus on the good things like the AMAZING trip to Italy and the wedding in Jamaica. Unfortunately, they can be overshadowed by the death of Willie and dealing with the demise of the marriage, which should have never been. Through it all, I found coping mechanisms. I am now forced to reevaluate my coping mechanisms and it has come abundantly clear (also with Anne’s help) some of my coping mechanisms are crutches.

I am the type of woman who needs a certain amount of male attention. Considering my ex never managed to get it right when it came to me and sensuality,  I suffered affection withdrawal. Actually I believe I became affection and touch anemic. I rarely had physical contact with other humans. Hugs and kisses of any type were as rare as unicorns. Sex.. Out of the question. In fact.. I can’t even pinpoint when I stopped having sex because it was just so lackluster between us anyway.. It landed in the “why bother” category pretty quickly into our marriage. But I digress. It finally got to the point where touching anyone outside of a handshake felt foreign to me. 

Soon even I noticed I was getting cold and jaded. I’ve always been a bit cool and aloof yet  I was shocked by how I would shrink from affection like a vampire from the sun. (Not the wack vampires in Twilight) So, I in acted a few coping mechanisms. I started talking to people on twitter A LOT. Through these twitter relationships; I managed to bond rather well with a few people. One in specific I ended up opening up completely to. I suppose I used them as my own personal therapist. It took about a few months but I was well on the road to recovery. All the internal dialogues I had with myself through the voice of the ex had pretty much been silenced. My self-esteem was most definitely on the mend. Unfortunately, my coping mechanism has turned into a crutch. 

I am so close to my twitter friend that I do not open myself up for the possibility of knowing people in real life. It is as if I have no need for anyone else. For the most part all of my emotional needs are being met by one person who lives in a galaxy far far away. I don’t feel the need to play Russian Roulette and try to bond with anyone else because I vibe so well with this person. I don't need anyone else.  The best part of our relationship is we are free to be exactly who we are. No best behavior bullshit because this relationship will go nowhere. Ever. We don’t live in the same time zone; we want different things out of life… Hell there is a myriad of other reasons why this will never go anywhere.. ever… failsafe built in. Even with failsafes there are still unwritten unspoken rules to this relationship. Imposed on both sides. We respect these regulations or so I thought.  

Then it dawned on me.. I need to let go of my crutch and walk on my own. I can’t keep hiding at home with the company of someone thousands of miles away. This person’s job is not to entertain me or cheer me up when I am down. They have their own life and it is not intertwined with mine. I am to them, just another person. Nobody of major importance. Just another tweep. So. I am going to put down my crutches and start walking on my own. It is going to be pretty difficult at first because I have become so dependent on them.  I almost believe I have relationship scurvy. Luckily, radical change is my specialty. So. Onward and outward. No more spending time at home reading books and watching copious amounts of television.  It is time to premiere the new and improving me to the world.  It is time to meet people. In real life. I am grateful for my crutches, but I can't be so dependent on them. After all crutches don't need the infirm. They are self sufficient as I am learning to be.

FIN

Lately I feel as if my life is whirling around me. There is no way I am an active participant and all events are completely out of my control. I am just a bystander looking at the fallout. Sometimes  I am in the eye of the storm helplessly watching things furiously swirl violently around me, then other times I am in the cyclone myself being whipped about like a rag doll in a wind tunnel. Neither of these scenarios am I enjoying. The lack of stability is unnerving to me. I like being in control and tapping into my third eye to make the best possible choices for myself. Lately my third eye is either blind or on some sort of wacky strike. I am not in tune with the universe at all.

I wonder what the outcome of this cataclysmic event is going to be. For a chick with all the answers this place I am in is unnerving. I need to jumpstart my Oracleness with quickness. I need to start cleaning up the aftermath. Discard what is irrepicbally broken. Fix what isn’t. Decide what is not worth retaining and move on. It is time I plant my high-heeled feet firmly on the ground and stop letting fate play a full hand in my future. It can come to the table, but I have my poker face on and no matter what hand fate has, I will beat it.

So. I am going to start at the marrow of what is important to me, use that as the mortar and rebuild my life. After all.. I don’t have time to waste. I can’t stand idly by and LET things happen to me. I need to return to the true essence of  Oracle and MAKE what I want happen..

Things Oracle likes (in no particular order)

Books (only good ones.. no pish posh trash)

Music (refer to the good clause)

Reality TV all types good and bad (Is there such a thing as good reality TV?)

High-heeled shoes

Chocolate, cupcakes, and anything sugary with REAL SUGAR none of the “healthy sugar” junk

Red meat

Perfume, cosmetics, and all things girly

Crazy people (go figure)

The smell of rain and thunderstorms

The fluttery feeling of attraction

Men with great abs

Lust, sex, and all things kinky (I am a Scorpio)

The color pink

My Mother and various other people who are not dumbasses

My bed for napping and marathon TV watching as well as book reading

My puppy

Jack Daniels fine Tennessee sipping whiskey

Dave Matthews Band, Prince, and Jay Z

A sunny day

The love of my life

Kissing a person who kisses well (knows when to add pressure and ease up at the right moments)

People with dimples, especially children

My pink rain boots

Random acts of kindness given and received

Flowers (not roses as they are trite and boring)

Hello Kitty

People keeping their word

The sound of laughter

New York City and the city of Rome

The idea of yoga

Cursing (unladylike extreme.. but I jut love it love it love it)

Freedom

All products made by Apple

Sex.. Needs to be mentioned twice at least.. Good sex.. outstanding sex.. Mind-blowing sex. The kind that makes you smile with secret knowledge of what makes the world worth living in.

Movies

Southern cooking (read fried food)

The look on my face when someone tells me something ridiculous

Twitter

Traveling

Experiencing new things

People who aren’t jackasses

And lastly.. Making lists!

I hate my job. There I said it out loud. I seriously hate hate my job. This is such a disappointment to me. Like opening up a festively decorated box then finding out its contents are lack luster and just not what you want AT ALL. Yeah.. That is how I feel about my damn job.

Flash back to June 2009. I just came back from an amazing time in Italy with my Master’s degree freshly minted in my hot little hands. It was time to get a grown up job. Up until this point I never really took any of my employment seriously as it was a stepping stone to get to the next level. Here I am. Next level. So time for my next level job I’ve been working so diligently to obtain.

I KNEW I wanted to work here. So much so, that I only applied to two places. When I got the callback I was extremely elated. The interview went swimmingly well and I was assured as soon as my security check came back I would begin working. My interviewer even said she would put a rush on it. I should have read between the lines. This should have been a red flag of concern.

So.  Two weeks pass and I don’t hear anything. Knowing I used to work for the Federal Government as well as the school system, I didn’t have any cause for concern about the security check. After three weeks I called them. I was told they were sill conducting it and that due to the summer they were short staffed. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Now a month has passed. I am getting poorer and poorer. Dipping into my savings and even getting help from my Mom to stay afloat. I consider myself a proactive sorta gal so I got a temp job. It wasn’t even in my field and I totally did not put on the application I had a Master’s degree.  I started working this side hustle and found myself sucked into their culture. Little did they know there was a psych in their midst. I was analyzing them every day all day long, and believe me, they provided hella entertainment.

I continued to call expecting results on my background check and was always given some ridic excuse. Finally I gave up. Unfortunately, all the other new graduates had sucked up all the prime job offers in the psych field. I was forced to continue working this side hustle till something panned out. THEN.. IN OCTOBER I received a call saying not only was I hired but also could I come in this FRIDAY for training. Are they serious? Is this for real? I was so desperate to start working what I considered a “real Job” that I literally jumped at the chance. I was further astounded by the financial compensation this job offered.. Can people really get paid this little? They hid behind the whole non-profit crapola as a reason for paying me a fraction of what other people with similar jobs earn. Ok. Whatever. I need this job.

It didn’t take long for me to learn my long-winded hiring process was typical of this organization. They have a rep for screwing everyone over all of the time. The longer I worked there the more it made sense they have an ad in the paper every single week looking for employees. The turnover rate here is astronomical. Many of the people who trained me were jaded and bitter. The whole atmosphere seemed to be heavy with despondency and anger. During orientation I gave serious thought to looking for other employment.

So here we are. In March of 2010.. I HATE working here. My place of employment is called the Nut Hut. None of my friends even know the actual title of the facility. The clients are engaged teens who spend the majority of their days plotting on escaping, having sex, getting over, or worse.. Hurting staff… Since I have been there, I can personally attest to several clients sending staff members to the HOSPIOTAL and the company will not allow us to file assault charges against them. Wanna know why? For each client, the Nut Hut gets $800,000.00 a year. Non-profit right? They want to keep the beds full at the risk of the safely of the staff. We are basically the punching bags of the clients. I won’t even add that there are several biters, spitters, and kids who enjoy throwing pee on staff.

Example. A nurse was punched in the side of the head. Walked less than three feet and passed out. She was taken to the hospital with a concussion. She suffered nerve damage and her eye still isn’t fully functioning. The punishment for the client? A mark on her daily sheet. THAT IS IT!

Example. A tech was in a restraint with an enraged child and tore ligaments in his leg. He was unable to work for several months after his surgery. The Nut Hut made it impossible for him to come back so he quit.

Example. A client hit a coworker with a CHAIR breaking his arm. This coworker damn near had to file bankruptcy while he was out of  work. Then when he did return they put him on the same unit as the client who attacked him.

Example A client was so enraged she kicked down a steel door, ripped a toilet off the floor, bit a staff member to the point of almost having to have stitches, terrorized us for weeks, and threatened staff.. She also destroyed thousands of dollars worth of property. She is sleeping peacefully right now in her bed here.

Example. When a certain girl is restrained, she has a technique where she kicks staff members in the knee so violently; they are forced to go to the hospital. This happened to an unlucky female co-worker. I haven’t seen her since.

These are not isolated incidents. This happens here on a weekly basis. Just when I think the worst has happened, something tops it off. Many times, I am in fear of my life. The clients KNOW they can do anything they want, as we are limited in our ability to defend ourselves against them. If a client has it out for you.. You are done. This is very much like prison mentality here but oddly enough the prison system is far more secure than where I work.

I want out. And I mean right now. Although, nothing has happed to me yet, I know by the law of averages my time is coming soon. That makes me afraid. Very very afraid. 

Soo. I sota walked away from my blog for a while. It became apparent my security measures were all for naught. I am 100% certain the main person I don’t want my innermost thoughts to be revealed to, has been reading my blog. This is not only troubling, but also indicative of why our relationship never worked. He never allowed me to have anything for myself. Nothing happened without the watchful eye of G hovering over it.  His essence permeated every aspect of my life, and the next thing I knew I was some hybrid version of myself. To be separated a zillion light years away from my essence was not only depressing but a disparaging experience. I never ever want that to happen again.

Being with him was as if someone removed all the air out of the room. I was like a goldfish out of the bowl, gasping in the throws of imminent death. When we were together I was in the darkest place I’ve ever encountered and I have no need to revisit it. I believe he was using information gathered from my blog against me.

With that in mind, the blog was coming down. Then it hit me. I can’t always run away from him. My coping mechanisms of the past are not going to be utilized in the future which I create for myself.  So. The blog says. I refuse to censor myself. I do know anything I say can and will be used against me… If I let him use it against me… Which I won’t. With that said.. On with the show…

Follow your dreams… How many times have we heard, read, or been told to follow our dreams? So much easier said than done. Especially when you have people telling you to follow your dream and with the next breath limiting your dreaming capability.

I have always always always wanted to live outside the box. Do things that go against the grain, not follow the safely beaten path. However, people around me have consistently talked me out of my desires and aspirations through trying to be supportive and giving me their versions of what I am capable of. I understand,completely understand they are giving this advice from a place of caring concern, but in the end it has damaged me. Living up to their expectations and letting my ideals be replaced and usurped has caused me to live an inauthentic life. 

I never really wanted to get married. A long time ago (in my early twenties) the man I eventually married asked me where I saw myself in 5 years.. I said “thin and fabulous”. Eventually we got married (which was his 5 year plan) and I ended up fatter than I had ever been and living a life less fabulous. What a jip! 

Even my parents are responsible for replacing my dreams for versions of their own. There was a time when I wanted to go into psychology; I knew early on I had a talent for it. Instead my father talked me out of it saying there was “no money in it”. I went on a trajectory, which was a more solid financial route. I know he was concerned about me being able to support  myself, however the years wasted careening about going from job to job rather than doing exactly what my soul wanted me to do, cannot be recouped. I have so many regrets in regards to what I call the “lost years”.

Now I am once again starting to dare to dream again. I feel as if it is the time to start with a clean slate. A new beginning..Older and wiser I can discern between what I truly want to do and the redirection of dreams differed through the good intentions of others. 

I was never meant to live the stereotypical American dream. Not saying I am more special or different than anyone else. It is just. Well. I gravitate towards the unique, the exotic, the unconventional. My first choices are usually ones people rarely if ever think of. The phrase thinking outside the box was always so hilarious to me because I am not only OUTSIDE of the box on a continuous basis, the box is so far across the room, many times it is almost a mirage to me.

 I have tapped back into my inner boldness. From now on I am going to focus my energy not on worrying how the hell am I going to fix all the things that are broken. Instead, I am going to concentrate on manifesting my wildest dreams, yet to me, they are not wild at all. They are my inner truths and the reality I was mean to live. I am ready to take the pill now. After all.. Neo wasn’t the only Chosen One.

FIN

I found a correlation between weight and lack of it. When I am happy and in good spirits, I weigh less. The moment I am even mildly depressed.. The weight comes back. Well.. Some of it has come back. I am annoyed. Perhaps, I must be depressed. My life is so hectic I don’t have time to even read as much as I used to. So. How do I even have the time to be depressed? Go figure. 

The good thing is I have identified the problem, which is the first step to solving it. Now the semi-hard work. I need to get myself on a regular gym schedule, clean up my eating habits, and perhaps find a bit of joy.  After all.. I want to look sexy, just not like a sexy kangaroo. 

FIN

Today I ran across a quote by Anais Nin.. “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of weariness, of weariness, withering, or tarnishing. Wow.. The quote was extremely powerful to me.

Are we obligated to stay with people just because they love us? If you are not in love with someone, yet they are in love with you.. Is it your duty to be with that person? On one hand, it is the safest relationship you could possibly be in. (especially according to my brother) you have such little invested and the person is lovingly devoted to you. Yet, are you doing yourself a disservice? Are you experiencing your full potential in the arena of love? Or is it selfish to move on?

I am convinced thousands of relationships have varying degrees of love. Some I am sure are equally balanced but many many many others are see sawed. One person at a particular time is more in love with the other, and then perhaps it switches. There are also relationships where one person is always in the up position of the see saw and the other person will remain in the down seat. That is just how it is.

I left someone who truly loved me. That came with some guilt.. Some feelings of selfishness. However, just because he loved me didn’t  mean I owed him anything. Number one, I didn’t love him. Secondly, we were not meant to be together, as the years progressed it became painfully clear. We should have never married. But I fell for the whole love package. If someone loves me, eventually I will learn to love him. Well. It didn’t happen. With that person it will never happen.   For a long time I felt obligated to stay because he loved me.  Once I gave it some realistic rational thought I realized, those are his feelings not mine. That revelation alone broke the chains of obligation I had felt for years. We are only responsible for our own personal feelings and it is selfish to use them to manipulate other people. There is no need to stay in a situation where love is one sided.  Live your life for yourself and not to please another person. It will only make you bitter in the end.

FIN