I mean come on.. Why not have what you REALLY want! He's yummy!

Walking in the park is one of my favorite things ever, especially Central Park.

Flowers are lovely, but there is something about pink balloons which brings the child out in me.

Who can resist cotton candy?

Pink Cupcakes. Would you expect any less?

Adult beverages!

Blowing bubbles! Simple pleasure!

Cheese and Fruit Tray

My Perfect Date

FIN

People who are close to me and I mean really really close to me know I had one true love of my life. None of them know him personally. He is an entire book of my life that didn’t overlap with the people who orbit me now. I rarely talk about him because it is so painful. I have spent years trying to crawl back into the cocoon of bliss that I have only felt with him. I don’t think I will ever find my way back into the nexus. Sometimes you can never go home.
We met when I was a sophomore in college. I was dating the guy all parents want you to be with. N was handsome, athletic, insanely intelligent, came from an excellent family, and was studying to be a doctor. (He is a surgeon now)We were the proverbial golden couple. One night my suite mates had invited a bunch of guys for an impromptu party. When I walked in, there was pandemonium going on around the house and in the middle of all the ruckus was D. He was calmly watching all of the tomfoolery as if it were normal. For some reason I was drawn to him. Like. Gravitational pull. Tractor beam from the Starship Enterprise. D was engaging, comical, and most of all very worldly. It didn’t take long for me to find ways to spend more time with him. UNTIL my Mr. Perfect Boyfriend decided to surprise me on “Sweetest Day” . (Who invented Sweetest Day anyway? It is a dumb idea) I thought they were going to rip each other apart but luckily the skirmish ended peacefully. It was not long after that, I got kicked out of the dorm for having boys in my room. Imagine that.

In my hurried move, D and I were not able to stay in touch. It felt like the world was ending. My parents rented an apartment for me close to campus and my life went on. D ever left my mind. It took about six months, but I found him. We spent so much time together he practically moved in. Well. He DID move in. My parents figured it out and decided to stop stroking checks for my upkeep. We made our relationship formal and split the bills. College kids are not the wealthiest, but we were happy. Really really happy. Like in the Allegory of the Cave, we experienced things together. Grew together. Taught each other things. We could laugh for hours about nothing and talk without uttering words. We ate breakfast for dinner and played games till he let me win. Our humble apartment was our Utopia our Shangri-La.

D is nothing like me on the surface. He is from Brooklyn. D listened to rap and I was all about Dave Matthews Band. We always opened our minds to each other’s world. D met my parents, my brother, and experienced my lifestyle in the suburbs. I went home with him to NYC and met all of his friends and family. He even entrusted me with his twin siblings once. Only ONCE. People didn’t understand why we were together till they SAW us together. It made sense like fried chicken and waffles. It sounds ridiculous but tastes amazing.

All good things come to an end. We had the best communication in the world, but due to all sorts of circumstances that broke down. It caused the destruction of us. I moved out. I moved on. He moved on. I can remember the last time I saw him. There was such sadness in his eyes. He was the first and the last time I ever put 100% of myself into a relationship. Since then, 60% is about all I am willing to bestow. I have steeled myself against people. I never let men get close to me. I think the part of me that is loving and affectionate is locked away. Like Miss Havisham’s wedding room, certain emotions are in a rotting room never to be used again.

I can’t blame him for any of this. I just know I will never love anyone like I loved him. To this date, I have never loved anyone else. He gave me 5 of the happiest years of my life. I can say D has set the bar so high no man has ever been able to jump over it. He is so incredibly kind, honorable, giving, loving, intelligent, and funny. D is everything a person aspires to be. The type of guy who restores your faith in humanity. A guy you are proud to say is your friend and take home to your family. He made me strive to be a better person through his actions rather than lectures. I have dated prototypes of D for years. A guy who sort of looked like him or a guy from Brooklyn… All types of components of him all to no avail. Perhaps I am crying over spilled milk, but he is the only man worth my tears.

There are so few perfect relationships between men and women. Some are down right catastrophic, others are tolerable, and those rare ones have a beneficial symbiosis. Luckily, in the past I have had the fortune to have several near perfect relationships with different people. The type where each person knew where the other stood. Neither party encroached their agendas or ideals on the other. The type of relationship which was so darn easy it was like breathing. Those types of relationships are about as easy to find as the Holy Grail. I miss the simplicity of those affairs.

Today I heard the song In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel and was immediately transported back to my time with Vandersande. We had the easiest relationship ever. Vandersande came from old old money and had aristocratic manners to match. He was charming, intelligent, and had an amazing body to match. On paper Vandersande was quite a catch. But… In reality not everyone got him. His quirky ways were born out of generations and generations of wealthy people with too much money and time on their hands. To many Vandersande was just plain weird as hell. To me.. He was bewitching.

As all tragic children of extreme wealth he sort of floated through life with little to no direction. Living each day without the worry of what is around the corner. Free from the irritants of career, bills, retirement, and all those other irksome details the rest of us wrestle with. Vandersande was just a capricious spirit. Gentle, kind, generous to a fault. We got along well. He would come over to the apartment with bottles and bottles of wine and flowers not only for me but my roommate as well. Girfts from him were always unexpected and luxurious. Things you would never think to purchase for yourself, however you lust after them in store front windows. Vandersande spoiled it in many ways for every man behind him.

Times with him were like lazy Sunday mornings. Easy and free. We would drink wine and go skinny dipping at the beach which was in walking distance from his house. Other times we would go out for extravagant dinners and then have wild encounters on the way home. He was so intelligent it would put most people ill at ease. It intrigued me. I have always been attracted to very smart men. In many ways Vandersande was the perfect man for me but.. like a Shakespearian tragedy all this wonderful had ruinous flaws. Number one. He was from old money which completely frowned on interracial relationships. I never attended fetes in Richmond with him surrounded by people whose ancestors more than likely owned mine. Hell.. He wouldn’t have been accepted in my societal circles either. I could never bring him to a Jack & Jill function due to his lack of a Master’s or PHD. If you are not a mover and a shaker, you are an outcast where I am from. Family money can get you only so far. The commodity we trade on is education. The more you have, the higher your standing with us. Second and most importantly, Vandersande had a drug habit that could only be supported by someone who is independently wealthy. In front of me he only smoked pot and occasionally did pills. But the stories I used to hear about him doing coke with his parents troubled me. I can barely drink wine in front of mine, and I monitor how many glasses I consume under my Mom’s watchful eye.

I miss Vandersande. I miss the way I felt around him. Like everything was ok and nothing mattered. His carefree attitude about life was infectious. I consumed it greedily and was always ravenous for more. He saw things so very uniquely, that I was intoxicated by him. I really don’t know why we stopped seeing each other. We just sort of drifted apart. No massive blow up or fight. In fact we never even argued. We just were. He accepted me in all of my scorpio passion and crazy and I in turn granted him reprieve from my judgmental pushy tendencies. I never tried to motivate him to get his act together. Not once did I give him flack about his drug habit. I just enjoyed spending evenings at the beach with my toes in the sand listening to his ideas on string theory, drinking wine, watching the ocean in all of its magnificent glory. Yes.. I miss Vandersande. He is exactly what I need right now. A respite from my life filled with mundane things like work, stress, and responsibility. Plus he always had the best stash of “relaxers”.

Recently a guy I have a very peculiar relationship sent me a mix CD. At first I looked at my driver's licence to make sure I wasn't still in High School. Then I thought.. What a great idea. Songs can convey things that we sometimes are incapable of stating coherently ourselves. With that in mind, I have been mentally constructing play lists for various situations in my life. For instance, I set my alarm to the song One from a Chorus Line. Now I wake up in the right frame of mind. The play list for the iPod I take to the gym has been revamped and I have noticed my workouts are going extra hard now. I would send my besties all sorts of play lists with songs that make me think of them like Best Friend by Brandy or My Love is Your Love by Whittney Houston. However, to my ex the biggest asshole in the universe, I would send the nastiest most fucked up play list imaginable. Nothing connected to him makes me think of anything remotely positive. His play list would be full of music that invokes anger and makes drunken people fight. Hell.. It would make sober Buddhist Monks fight. So. Here is his play list.

Hi. I am the Oracle and I am bitter. The first step to recovery is admitting your problem. I am bitter and I KNOW I am bitter as hell. People in love make me want to vomit.

Must love dogs. Sorry. Just must love dogs. They are the most wonderful creatures on the planet and I do not see myself living without a dog. I will not date a man that does not like dogs. First of all I will think something is seriously wrong with him, and second I won't trust him because of said serious problem. If a dog doesn't like you there is a good ass reason why. Usually humans are slow to figure out what dogs can size up in a matter of seconds. Dogs can sense evil. So. Love me. Love my dog. My dog must love you. Non-Negotiable. (Sidebar-isn't this puppy the cutest ever ever?)

FIRST- I am not going to date/marry another guy who is messy as hell. My years of picking up behind a man like a scullery maid are over. If he is not neat and tidy as is forget it. I am not even going to address how a man's bathroom is usually a science experiment. When or if (that is a BIG IF) we ever live together I will have my own bathroom which he is not allowed to enter on pain of death. I also will not date/be with a man who thinks he can cook, dirties up every dish in the kitchen, and produces some greasy high fat concoction that uses so much butter even Paula Deen is appalled. If he can't cook fine. But do not attempt to poison me with bad cooking. I am also not going to date/ be with an alcoholic. If his idea of breakfast is beer OR if he drinks before 9am on a regular basis and keeps drinking all day, please do not apply. I am not the bad behavior cop nor will I ever sign in for duty. Must be cultured, well traveled, and well read. I do not want to always be the one who is exposing him to new things. College educated is also essential. Advanced degrees are highly recommended. Intellectual, humorous, quirky, refined, sensitive, charming men are very much welcomed. Unfortunately, I must add on gainfully LEGALLY employed.

Dear G. I know you will never read this and believe me this is more for me than it will ever be for you. I was a possession of yours. One of the expensive things you liked to collect just to brag that you owned but never took the time or energy towards its up keep. I refuse to blame you for your neglect. It is completely my fault. I let it be ok. I let your behavior become common place . You teach people how to treat you. The lesson I gave you was one of which I am much stronger than I truly am. I let it be alright that I solved each and every problem, issue, crisis, and obstacle presented us. My job was to be the most perfect I could be. Not to let you see me sweat. I can do anything without help and with ease. I MADE it look effortless. Well it was NOT. I sheltered you from each and every storm our entire relationship. You were given the gift of the absence of misery. I sheltered this burden with a serene smile. That was entirely my fault. Once the cracks started materializing in my demeanor, I let you ignore them as you capriciously enjoyed your life. I let you Joy Luck Club me, let you devalue me. For that I was wrong. Let me regress to the beginning of the end. The end of me started with the origination of us. From the start I allowed you to make me feel I was not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, mannered enough, classy enough for you. This culture of always over achieving to please you was concocted from day one. I always felt I had to prove I was worthy of you. In reality, you were never worthy of me. I was more than you had ever had on so many levels. Your way of controlling me was to make me feel worthless. I was and am better than you will ever be. To make yourself feel BIG you made me feel small. I gave up things important to me to focus on things important to you. When you left the first time, I continued on with my life. Happy. So many wonderful experiences happened while you were gone. Then you returned. I LET you back in. Nobody takes the garbage out, then misses it and decides to return the rotting smelling mess back into the house. I did. I should have let my garbage remain on the curb for collection. You were so broken. It pulled at my heartstrings. I pieced you back together emotionally and financially. This was all done at my expense. I thought if I gave you what you needed, you would give me what I needed. You are selfish. I know this. I KNEW this. I still waited patiently. You showed me who you were the first time and I didn't pay attention. I saw what I WANTED to see. I hoped that out of friendship passion would spontaneously cultivate. There was never passion between us. The soil was not fertile in many ways. Over the years, you became more and more dependent on my competency. Over the years I became more and more drained by your dependence on me. WHY did I do everything? To impress you at first. Then out of necessity. You were more than happy to be the child, and I was a resentful mother. It was my fault for taking on all of the responsibility then being pissed you got to have all of the fun. I handed you pieces of me everyday to be discarded like used wrapping paper. There was nothing left. Not even the lovely bow which attracted you so much in the beginning. It was then that I realized you were killing me and I let you. To save myself, I had to kill us. I'm scared. We have been we for so long. But we killed me. We killed parts of you too. It is better this way G and I hope one day you will understand. For now I will take your hostility and your bitterness as I have learned to shoulder each and every burden you place before me with grace. But one day I hope you understand, I loved you. A warm friendship love which turned into resentment then hate. You hurt me, you destroyed me, but the phoenix is now triumphantly fleeing the ashes of her former life with wisdom way beyond her years.