This is going to be the absolute last post I am going to pen about the former love of my life. The energy I spent on being shocked, sickened, upset, hurt, sad, and angry is just overwhelming. It is time to move on. There is one young lady who seems to be obsessed with how he treated her (she was the one who broke the entire sordid affair or I should say affairs considering they number in the high 30’s) Over the past two days I have spent over 6 hours trying to piece her together. Finally today I’d had enough of listening to her laminate on and on. I told her she was obsessed with him and to let it go. Kick ass advice.
Personally, I didn’t have a dog in this fight. The former love of my life was not stringing me along with promises of marriage or anything like that. We were maintaining a lovely friendship that I foolishly believed was built on the foundation of truth. I painfully have come to realize that is not so and I too have been the victim of manipulation and magnificently crafted lies. I was hurting but luckily not in the same manner this young lady hurts. NOR am I in the same boat as the lady who left her husband believing they would be together, or the lady with his name tattooed across her chest, or the naieve 21 year old who believes he is her knight in shining armor. Also I am not like a quite a few women who confronted with the damming evidence decided to “stand by their man”. (This perplexes me considering the insurmountable and undisputable information gathered. Dates, pictures, names, IMs, emails.. All leading to Liar Town) No, I am not in the same mind state as them.
What I am disillusioned about is how a person who I loved so fiercely and unconditionally would do something so horrible to so many women? How could I not detect and suspect he was a sociopath? Truth is. I DID know something was up. I just had NO IDEA it was this. I feel like the parents of a serial killer. How could I let this go on during my watch? He distanced himself from his childhood best friend. It is easy to see why. Keeping up a web of lies this intercut is three full time jobs. I keep mulling over and over why didn’t I figure this out? Then I wonder why did I idolize someone who was clearly living a triple double life? Obviously I did not know him at all. Nobody I could have feelings this strongly for could be so soulless. So unapologetic. So diabolically evil. Sociopathic. Demonic.
All these years I held men up to the D standard. All these years men came up sadly lacking. I would discard them in hopes of finding someone more like him. Even my ex-husband was chosen because on some levels he reminded me of D. I am now left to question, who is this person really? He is so many different things to different women. I ran off the gossamer memories of how perfect our relationship was and how he seemed like the perfect fit for me. Now I am pondering what was real and what was an illusion. He is clever magician. I was so busy watching the trick; I had no idea what his hands were actually doing.
Honestly, I feel free now. There is no D standard anymore. Men are who they are. I am not on the hunt to find a man exactly like him. Then being sorely disappointed when they are not like him after all. I am not naiveté enough to believe I will ever be in a relationship that takes no work. Relationships DO take work. How silly was I to believe that being with someone could be so organic so easy? Years of angst have been stripped off me. I am free now. Free of a ghost. Free of unrealistic ideals. In many ways I am grateful. The rest of my life is going to be so much easier without lugging around this phantom of unrealistic perfection.
So. Like the scene in Titanic, I am floating in the Atlantic. The former love of my life in the water dead. My grip has been loosened and now I am watching his body sink to the bottom of the ocean. I am not sad anymore. This is a release for me. I am now free of my shackles. I am able to continue my life with the knowledge that my enchanted great love is out there and I will meet him with an open and pure heart. D’s memory will not taint my actions or thoughts. He is at the bottom of the Atlantic. He is gone.
Just like the movie I too have a very precious souvenir. He introduced me to his best friend many many years ago. We formulated a brother/sister bond. I ADORE this person. He is loyal, genuine, and NOTHING like his friend. NOTHING. As the lady kept the priceless necklace the heart of the sea, I am keeping him. There is no room for him at the bottom of the ocean. I would never discard a friendship as rare as ours. His best friend is MY heart of Brooklyn. For that I am very grateful.
FIN
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