A good friend of mine recently told me that my blog is filled with either man hating posts or Hello Kitty/Cupcake foolishness. It made me think.. Perhaps right now, that is exactly where I am mentally, I hate men and I like Hello Kitty and cupcakes. I never took blogging seriously as there are plenty of professional bloggers of which I have never claimed to be. This is just a collection of my random thoughts.. A way of me expressing myself rather than paying a therapist valuable shoe money to keep me sane.
So. I gave it some consideration. Perhaps I am angry and hostile towards men. Not perhaps.. I am angry and hostile towards men. It is abundantly clear I have all sorts of resentment and unaddressed anger towards my ex. In one way or another I end up trashing him in my blog.
The thing is.. My ex isn’t a bad guy at all.. Many would think he is a wonderful wonderful man. Hell.. Everyone who is NOT connected to me think he is the greatest guy since a piñata filled with candy and mini liquor bottles. I have spent the last year focusing on and getting out of my system the things he did wrong or the things that he did to piss me off. Now I shall focus on the things he does right. It is time.. It is only fair.
I have to say I do feel sorry for him. He was waaaay in over his head with me. I doubt he would have ever been able to live up to my expectations considering he started so far behind the rest of the class. However, this is a positive post (or as positive as I can muster). I can say.. When it comes to BBQ not many unprofessional cooks can beat his food. He makes amazing mouth watering ribs, chicken, and brisket. I absolutely love his BBQ. He also is a very helpful guy. Whenever someone needed his help (not particularly his wife) he was always there to lend a hand. He also has a great sense of humor (not one that I particularly appreciate) but whenever he is around he is the life of the party. Another good quality is he is a hard worker. (I happened to work HARDER than he did but nonetheless he works hard) Oh oh oh! He is great with kids! Yes! I cannot take this away from him. He is great with children and babies. I did not provide him of his heart’s desire to have a child of his own but I have no fear he will be a father very soon. Yes! The ex has a fantastic rapport with children.
It seems I still have a bunch of hostility and resentment left in the storehouse because almost every virtue I listed was followed by a snarky comment. Perhaps in another year or so I can actually write a post about him that will not reek of backhanded compliments and venom. Till then.. Back to man hating, cupcakes, and Hello Kitty.
Today it dawned on me… I really need to fully commit to my weight loss goals.. Last year I had managed to loose 30 pounds.. I looked great.. Felt great.. Things were good. Now.. A year later and saddled with all sorts of setbacks, I have managed to FIND 20 of the 30 pounds I lost. What the HELL?!?
The culprit… The diabolical combination of Frustration with it’s evil twin Depression. You Fuckers! I am so upset with myself. Seriously.. My frame was not built to support these extra stones. It just isn’t. I am not only short, but I have a small frame. I am meant to be a tiny petite pixie.. Not some Umpa Lumpa rolly polly. When I pass the mirror I am always stunned when confronted with my reflection. I do not know this person who is looking right back at me.
So.. Yeah.. Time to buckle down.. I can totally do it too. I’ve done it once so doing it twice isn’t hard. I just have to DO IT. And there in lies the problem. I sorta don’t feel like it right now. I also do not feel like being tired all the time. Looks like I am having a stand off at the Cupcake Corrales. What to do.. What to do… I need to psych the psych.. I’ve been using positive reinforcement and little by little I am making small changes, which will result in larger ones.
First of all. I did hire a trainer months ago.. I just didn’t honestly want to exercise. The excuses I gave this man were epic.. Like.. My uterus is falling out so I can’t work out today. OR.. My hot water heater leaked all over my house and I have to wait for a repairman. OR.. I am having an emergency. Well that was sorta true.. I needed to go shoe shopping to cheer myself up. Either way.. I think he caught on quickly and told me to take a month to get “my life straight” and we can start over. Well my month is coming to an end. May is going to be my month to get it together again.
So here is the game plan.. No more fast food.. No more eating out of any kind.. Broiled or baked chicken. Turkey. Green vegetables.. Water water water.. Nothing white. Nothing processed. Lots of fruit.. No candy.. No.. GASP.. CUPCAKES! No soda.. Cut back on the excessive napping (on a good day I can have First Nap, Second Nap, and Third Nap. On a marathon napping day, I managed to make it to Fifth Nap) Cut the TV off. Listen to music more. Exercise exercise exercise… (Weak yaaaay) From the plan he gave me it looks like I will be doing 45 minutes of cardio switching between the Stairmaster, treadmill, and elliptical. Then 3 days a week I will be lifting weights. This part I actually like. I love lifting weights. I hate cardio. When I take Puppykins to the dog park I will not allow myself to languish on the bench. From now on I will run around like the loon that I am.
More of This
Less of Sadly.. This :(
I owe this to myself. I can’t let myself constantly be depressed about situations that I cannot control. It is not like my life is hopeless. It is just going to take time to pick the knots out of it. So. Bye Bye extra weight.. I do not need you. Plus my face isn’t cute enough for me to be a big girl so I must return to my normal size. TY.
Well I have had Frasier for about 4 months now and I can say with great confidence; he is shaping up to be a great dog. It was touch and go for a little while, but now things have balanced out. We know each other now and can finally enjoy the other’s company.
To this day I completely believe I picked him up from the breeder way way way too early. Puppykins had no idea how to be a dog. He was this whiney mass of fur and sounds which although delighted me he also drove me crazy with his constant mewing He needed too much attention. I was really starting to regret getting another dog and really really missed Willie. Housebreaking a puppy just isn’t fun at all. Then the magic happened. Puppykins got older. We started going to the dog park weekly… Now he is an amazing dog. I love him so much and can’t recall a time when he wasn’t around.
When I come home in the morning from work he is waiting patiently (rather impatiently) for me to let him out of his crate. No matter how tired I am I smile and say, “Release the Kraken”. That is his cue to dart out of his cage and run to the back door. We nap together, play together, watch TV together.. Go to the dog park. Go to Pet Smart. Whenever he is in the car he has to have one paw on my arm as if he is helping me drive. This never fails to make me smile. We have our own schedule. We do our own thing. Puppykins and I are a motley crew and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I have to send a special prayer of thanks to Willie, because without him teaching me how to be a great momma, Puppykins wouldn’t be as well taken care of as he is. Willie broke me in, taught me the ropes, and for that I will be forever grateful for the 17 years of uncondional love he gave me. Willie.. I know you are never far away, and although I love this new bundle of silliness, he will never ever take your place in my heart. I love you Willie.. You are my best friend and always will be. Keep Dad company till I see you guys again.
One of my favorite songs by the Dave Matthews Band is Dancing Nancies. It is basically about who you could have been. It makes me think could I have been anyone other than me. The answer is . Yes.
There are pivotal people and pivotal events in your life. Things that change the trajectory of your future irreparably. Some you identify way way way to late. As I was driving home from work this morning I realized, I could have been a totally different person if I hadn’t screwed up over 15 years ago.
I was living with my soul mate. There is no doubt in my mind this man is and will always be my soul mate. We had the easiest relationship I’ve ever had with a man and I took it totally for granted. Our connection was so strong we had entire conversations without staying a word. Plus the sex was phenomenal. We just got each other without any effort at all. We had our differences and the tiniest of spats but over all being with him was one of the highlights of my life. This man is and will always be everything I could ever want in a friend, lover, partner and I screwed it up.
The grass is not always greener on the other side but we would always like to believe it is. I had no idea relationships could be so difficult, taxing, draining… No idea. Being with him was so easy and natural I just assumed it would be like that with every man. Ah.. The ignorance of youth. I have lived many a lifetime and learned not everyone gets along as easily as we did. I learned the hard way; I was where I should have been all along. Which brings me to Dancing Nancies. I SHOULD have been someone other than the current me.
If I had married the man I was supposed to things would be so different. I would be loved and treasured by someone who never tried to change be but celebrated who I was every day. A man who would have taken care of me instead of allowing me to carry the weight financially and emotionally for years. I would have been with a partner who knew when to step in and when to step back. A man who knew my birthday and remembered to bring home little I’m thinking of you gifts. A man who made me laugh and kissed away my tears when I rarely cried. I would have finished college earlier and chosen a different profession. I would have children now. I wouldn’t be stuck in a place I hate but lived all over the world going from country to country just like I did when I was a child. I would have had an intellectual equal. A sexual equal. Someone who encouraged me to grow and not felt threatened as my star rose. I would have had a mother in law I adored and a brother and sister in law, which I would be close to. There would be pets in the house, which feel like a part of the family rather than on the side of my team only. I wouldn’t have been forced to work several jobs to no avail. The entire family would have attended church regularly. I would have had the wedding I wanted and my father could have walked me down the isle. I could have gone on amazing vacations with someone as well traveled as I am. I would have shared a bed with someone who wanted to be in it. Woken up every day with a kiss and eaten breakfast for dinner. All holidays would have been celebrated and I would have decorated the house accordingly. I would not have learned the heartache and pain of constant criticism nor learned to hide in closets of my own home to get away. I would not have learned how to recede into my own thoughts to escape the blitzkrieg of disappointed looks. My family wouldn’t have been worried about me for years. I wouldn’t have an eating disorder.
Yes. I could have been someone other than me. I would have loved to be her. Turn turn we almost become dizzy..
My connection with the universe is uncanny and I have a talent for knowing what is around the corner. Usually I meditate or through dreams, the future comes to me. When I listen to my inner voice, good things always happen. I’ve made my best decisions using my intuition, and the worst ones when I ignored it. Lately, I seem to be offline and unfocused. I know where I want to go, but the pathway to get there seems to be veiled from me at the moment. So. I decided to rely on an old trick of mine. Cards.
Oddly enough I do not particularly use tarot cards, but I do have a set of non-tarot tarotishlike cards. As always the answers to my questions made me laugh, cry, and gave me insight into things I need to place more focus on and things I need to just let go. I am always shocked how dead on they are.
Results:
Q: Does the one I think about think about me?
A: Not now but you could bring it about if you cared to do so.
Q: Will there be a change of residence for me before long?
A: Yes if another person can manage it.
Q: Can I win the love I desire?
A: You can do so.
Q: What does the man whom I love really think of me?
A: Very kind, good-humored, but might be wiser (don’t know how to take this)
Q: Shall I have any children?
A: Several (really? Damn. When?)
Q: What does the immediate future hold for me?
A: a short journey with a pleasant ending
Q: Shall I be fortunate in business?
A: Yes in spite of many errors in judgment.
Q: Have I already met my future life partner?
A: One you know and one you do not know yet. (Creepy)
Q: Will my present worries last long?
A: Half the time they have already lasted.
Q: Ought I continue to live under the same roof as I am now?
A: Not if you can see your way to another arrangement.
Asked again for more clarity
A: NO! (lmao)
Q: How will the world use me?
A: It will demand a great deal out of you and recieve it (no truer words said)
Nobody makes me doubt my sanity… except my ex. He makes me doubt his sanity, my sanity, and reality all at the same time. Whenever we have a conversation (read preamble to an argument) I not only wonder what planet is he from but how did I get transported to it without my knowledge or consent. We have completely different communication styles and I have a tendency to loose patience with his because it is well.. Fragmented. He never ever gets to the point in a concise succinct way. That is because his mind is all over the place. Sort of like chaos fighting to make sense but all it does is wear itself out and me too by default. And reasoning with him.. Forget it. Unless he believes it is his idea, he is not trying to hear it. Sigh.. I try to keep our interactions to a bare minimum.. But lately, he has been coming around more. For what.. I have no idea.
For fun… I did a compatibility chart on the two of us.. Eye opening.. I had a conversation with my mom recently where I came clean and told here I didn’t want to marry him a month before we got married and was looking for a way out. She looked at me as if I was the most foolish child in the world and asked “well why didn’t you just call it off?” Call it off? CALL IT OFF? After the invitations had been purchased, the wedding dress purchased, my rings purchased, venue booked and deposits sent (all her money).. I felt obligated to marry him. If I had read this compatibility chart.. I WOULD HAVE called it off. We had no hope from the beginning.
“as a couple you will have to prepare for some pretty intense times (read sucky ones). Gemini is light-hearted, FRIVLOUS, intellectual (not in the least). Your communication styles are different (no damn joke) you prefer subjects about one subject yet Gemini like to talk about a multitude of things (comes in handy when you are trying to solve problems. Talk for hours about everything and get NOTHING resolved) your planets do not get along easily with each other, which creates uneasiness in your relationship. (Whenever I see him or hear his voice my spine tightens up and I get an instant headache) Geminis live in their heads and cannot express themselves well. They know what they want to express yet, can’t quite get it out. (Yet I got lectures on how communication is the KEY from a person who was unable to communicate) This is the kicker.. YOU WILL HAVE TO BE PATIENT WITH THE GEMINI AND TEACH THEM ABOUT SEX! (No truer statement has ever been written)
I swear.. I wish I had known of this site years ago. We would have never even gone on a first date much less get married. I try to focus on the lessons I learned in our time together. It may not have all been negative, but damn if I can pinpoint a positive. Bitter? Yes.. But I do have a handy website now to reference anybody who crosses my path.
Why the absentminded oracle? I have an uncanny ability to predict the future. The problem is after I say something I forget I said it. So, these gem predictions only help people clever enough to pay attention when I am talkative. These predictions range from winning lottery numbers to the death of a person. They are all over the board. The monkey paw of this is, once again, I don't recall saying ANYTHING until someone reminds me what I said. Then, a mixture of creeped-out and pride overtake me.
