Knowledge is power. In my hands it is used to destroy you. The professor whom I wished would choke has provided me with enough knowledge to annihilate him. I mean complete Hiroshima. The secret to collecting viable information on people is to keep your mouth shut, make mental notes, ask the right questions.. Wait for it.. wait for it.. Then DESTROY the person. I am such a Scorpio. I am always plotting on someone who has done some sort of injustice or imagined slight to me. Anyway, since the post about the professor I want to choke has received so much attention, I thought I should provide an update. This jackass has given me the keys to the kingdom and I am about to tear it apart. He let it slip he knew where I lived. Uh. How did you figure that out without looking at my records? Second, he told me he was attracted to women that look like me. Well.. Who wouldn’t? (I’m not conceited about my looks; I’m conceited about my intelligence) He also mentioned he was a Pisces. I have so much experience with the inner workings of a Pisces this is going to be like child’s play. He dropped so many gems in my lap I thought I was Harry Winston for a minute. At first I was going to complain to the Dean but that would be too easy. I have something much more interesting coming down the pike for him. It is soo delicious I just can’t wait. I would spell out my plan here, but it is against my regulations to tell anyone anything I am about to do. Friend or foe. Just stay tuned because I promise you will be entertained as no summer blockbuster can ever entertain you.
Have you ever had those weeks where you are just damn tired. Like there is soo much to do, you can't catch a breath? Running solely on adrenaline and then drop dead at the end of the day to only get up and do it again and again and again. Well. A week like that has turned into over a month for me. I feel like I am stuck in Ground hog's Day of responsibility. I have to do so much junk in so many different arenas and they don't overlap which dismisses any time saving methods I could possible enact. I don't know when I turned into a superhero, but I would like to be a mere mortal again. Living up to other's expectations is just starting to make me feel like Atlas but in heels. He was barefoot which is not a look for me. I think I can blame dominant society. They have infiltrated my psyche and programed me to think I have to be everything to everyone all of the time. That I cannot show weakness and that I must always have the acceptable personality on. I spend quite a bit of my time on twitter as a way for my mind to reset so that I can reload for the next set of tasks. I have some great things coming towards me at warp speed but to be ready to receive them I have to lay innumerable plans. Sometimes I think my life is like the Rats of Nimh. Starring me as Mrs. Brisby. I have to move a whole fortress to a safe place, easy enough in concept, but in actualization.. Not so simple. Plus I have a cast of characters secretly or not so secretly working against me. Will the hero prevail? Will the movie have a happy ending? I believe so. I am one of those people who have an internal locus of control. My life is not in the hands of others or fate. It is my responsibility and if I want to reap the bounty, then I must do the work in order to receive it. The Rats on Nimh had a happy ending. There was some collateral damage, but the ending was all sunshiney non the less. Nothing really truly bad every happens to me. Maybe that is why I have so much confidence. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound with not a hair out of place. Ok. Putting big girl panties on. I can do this! I would say wish me luck, but I don't need it.
12:10 PM |
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My professor likes to call me out in class all of the damn time. This totally pisses me off because I am one.. Not a child.. And B. I don’t like for people to call me out. No tolerance for that shit at all. I think it delights people who are in psychology to bait people then drag their ass on some merry route of their design. But damn. Professional courtesy right? Plus I am not even sure he is actually in psychology. His discipline might be something perfectly useless like anthropology or sociology. I don’t care how many anthropologists or sociologists I offend when I say their field of study is worthless. When you get a B.A. in EITHER one of those fields your career trajectory is waiting tables at the Cheesecake Factory. Not that psychology is any better. But when you are waiting said tables at least you can use Jedi Mind tricks on the customers to garner better tips. Anyway. This jackass teacher. I am sure at one time he was at the top of the food chain because even now he is MILDLY handsome. I stress mildly. But you can only go so far on fading looks. So don’t work out midlife aggression on your class and especially not me. I grew up overseas and my command of the metaphysical is outstanding. He might wake up one morning and begin the worst month of his life. Best part of all this is I would not feel guilty. Don’t call me out in class. After all. The only C I got in grad school was in Ethics. That speaks volumes. Vent concluded.
9:59 PM |
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Out of all my friends, I belive I have the best self esteem. This comes directly and solely from my parents. The majority of my childhood I lived in situations where I was the only. The only American, the only minority, the only girl…. My Mom never wanted me to feel less than or substandard. In her efforts to combat the enviable feeling of being different, she gave me a superiority complex. I believe I can do anything better than damn near anybody. This has carried me into adulthood. It makes me an avid competitor and definitely not a sore looser. If I take a loss, it is only temporary and with better preparation I will be vindicated next time. Perhaps it is because of this attitude things don’t get me down. I just plot and plan my way into success. Anyway.. So. The self esteem body blow of late. I have an extremely close friend who for some reason has kryptonite that works against me. Whenever he is around I feel less intelligent, witty, and sexy which to me is like my personality has been hijacked and replaced with an alien’s persona. For years I have tried to combat his resistance to me in all sorts of subtle ways and even some overt and mildly crazy ways. I am not above being crazy if it gets the results I am after. To see this guy, one would think why sweat him? He is just an ordinary guy. I think that is the crux of the issue. He is an average person. Wonderfully basic. He even describes himself as simple and basic in his tastes. Well.. If you like simplicity then surely you would enjoy lots of fanfare and extra right? WRONG! I don’t believe that every man needs to pine after me, but damn! When I turn on the charm it better work! Rejection something I am fairly unfamiliar with. So I suppose when it happens it just rocks my world. Right now.. World rocked. I can’t seem to shake the feeling of mediocrity or averageness. Both of these emotions are foreign to my sense of self. All I can say about this is.. Back to the drawing board. I am scheduled to see him in a few months and this time game on. After all.. I cannot loose.
7:14 AM |
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men,
self esteem
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The Super Bowl is such a big deal for most Americans. I feel like a kid that didn’t get the joke. It is so completely unimportant to me that I didn’t even watch it. Although I was present and accounted for at a Super Bowl Bash, I by no means viewed a second of the game. Somehow I turned into the babysitter for all of the parents who were otherwise occupied by the festivities. Only I can play basketball in 6 inch stiletto heels, then follow it up with a tennis match on the Wii. While the Cardinals and the Steelers battled it out on the field, I was kickin ass at Uno. Who cares if my age is divisible by the kids? I am teaching them a life lesson. You are not handed a victory you have to earn it. Oh. And I also taught them adults are not above peeking at your cards in order to change the color to red or prepare themselves for a draw 4! Then the little devils got me to watch a scary movie with them. So while the parents were in the “Man Den” I was upstairs in a pink palace screaming my head off as horrible monsters were devouring people like chicken wings downstairs. All in all I had the best time last night. I wasn’t forced to watch football. CHECK. I was entertained. CHECK. And I taught a gaggle of little girls that people with thick ankles are peasants. CHECK CHECK CHECK!
11:04 AM |
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Sometimes I believe my life is permanently on hold. Let me explain. I feel like my life with *start* as soon as I accomplish something. In high school I believed my life would begin as soon as I graduated. Surely things would right themselves as soon as I went to college. While I was in college I just knew that after graduation my life would be established. Out in the real world away from the comforts of home and family I struggled to define myself. I was no longer my parent’s child nor was the halls of academia my home. So who was I? Solution. Get married. Then my life would start. Once married, I learned that I was constantly living for the next step. I was always focused on the future which I believed had all of the answers and the fairy tale ending which I craved. Yet, with each accomplishment I just refocused myself to yearn for the step beyond. At no time in my past did I enjoy the journey. I paid no attention to the scenery around me. All I did was focus on the next and ignored the now. This caused me to miss out on so many wonderful things. They just did not make a blip on my radar as they were the current and not the future. I’ve learned the future is not always the cure for what ails me, and the right now may be the treatment which will guarantee the well being of the future. I’m glad this realization blazed into my right now, because I can’t wait for the future to change my current.
9:44 AM |
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So. I said I would blog more in the New Year to extract things that swim around in the canals of my mind. I tell my clients all the time they should write things down so they can decipher what the problem really is without all of the clutter marring up their focus. In my case, I know what the problem is. This one BIG problem has created all sorts of little problems which scurry around and make life difficult. It is almost like the movie Gremlins. Something cute and cuddly got wet, and then turned into something horrible, destructive, and just plain undesirable. Unfortunately bright lights do no harm to my Gremlin. I don’t want a Mogwai and I damn sure don’t want a Gremlin. I just want peace and quiet. Living in fear of the other stiletto dropping is taxing at best and ageing at worst. I have all the answers for everyone else. Hell.. I have all the answers for myself as well. One thing I am rather good at is facing reality. If I were on the Titanic, I would have been one of the first people on the boat with all of my furs and jewelry rowing the hell away from that damn ship. I know when to walk away and when to run. Usually I manage to avoid the fallout. This time I think I will suffer from some back draft. However, is it worth staying in a situation that you know is going to only get worse for the sake of being a good person? Or should you love yourself more and cut and run? I choose the latter. Just like Samantha Jones in the Sex in the City movie.. She loved him, but she loved herself more. I hope in 2009 women learn to love themselves more. I want them to put themselves first. And to have conviction that nothing can defeat a woman with a plan.
(I am NOT in an abusive relationship or anything like that.. So no need to call the shelter on my behalf. I am just annoyed and fed up.)
7:36 PM |
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