Absentminded Oracle

What made you smile today?

2011-11-23T09:03:00.001-08:00

My Mother.. She always makes me smile. After all.. She is crazy.

Ask me anything

What's a good thing to do on Thanksgiving if your loved-one is dying?

2011-11-23T09:02:00.001-08:00

I say have several bottles of wine and do nothing. Let them just "be". Talk. That's it.

Ask me anything

How many times do you check your email every day?

2011-10-06T11:31:00.001-07:00

I obsessively check my email... hourly.. sometimes every 30 minutes. as soon as I know I have mail I am rushing to the inbox. I must be OCD.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2011-10-05T19:34:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AbboFabbo

Do you care about politics? Why or why not?

2011-10-05T19:34:00.001-07:00

I care about politics but not enough to get upset when politicians do not come through with their promises.

Ask me anything

How long have you had your favorite pair of blue jeans?

2011-10-05T19:33:00.001-07:00

I don't have a favorite pair of jeans.. I usually wear dresses or skirts.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2011-08-21T11:28:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AbboFabbo

What was your first animated/fictional crush?

2011-08-21T11:28:00.001-07:00

I have a thing for Speed Racer

Ask me anything

What was your favorite plaything as a kid?

2011-08-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

I loved this toy called a light bright as a kid. I also liked dolls like Strawberry Shortcake and Dolly Pops.

Ask me anything

Do you prefer to call yourself a geek, a nerd, a dork, something entirely different, or none of the above? Do you have any prejudices against any of these epithets, and why?

2011-08-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

I don't call myself anything other than a glamorous free spirit. As far as the other epithets, whatever works for them works for me. No prejudices.

Ask me anything

If you could time travel, where would you go?

2011-08-21T11:25:00.001-07:00

I would go back to my freshman year of college and do a TON of things differently. TONS.

Ask me anything

What is your favorite thing about summer? Least favorite thing?

2011-06-17T21:03:00.001-07:00

My favorite thing is wearing less clothing.. My LEAST favorite thing is the heat.

Ask me anything

I am a virgo with a scorpio ascendent - should I be concerned?

2011-06-17T21:02:00.001-07:00

Anything with scorpio should be concerned.. :)

Ask me anything

What do you do when you're having trouble falling asleep at night?

2011-06-17T21:00:00.001-07:00

Take pills and a swig of Jack Daniels.. Then I sleep like the dead.

Ask me anything

What are you most looking forward to?

2011-06-10T13:48:00.003-07:00

I can't wait to move back to the East Coast. I am on the countdown baby!

Ask me anything

What's your astrological sign? Do you think it's representative of who you are?

2011-06-10T13:48:00.001-07:00

I am a scorpio.. I am a total scorpio.. Be afraid.. Be very afraid.

Ask me anything

Oracle Wisdom Learned at the Nut Hut

2011-06-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

THINGS LEARNED WORKING AT THE NUT HUT

1. When someone pees in the refrigerator, no matter how many times it has been "cleaned" never put a single thing in it. It will always be the pee pee fridge to you.

2. People who are always sharing their religious views with you are really not interested in yours unless your views match theirs identically.

3. After age 16 your birthday is only a big deal to you, till you become 21, then it is back to obscurity.

4. Never ever ever ever suggest a woman is pregnant UNLESS you personally have been told by HER that she is pregnant. Otherwise your coffee might get spit in when they offer to bring you coffee. (I may or may not be guilty of this)

5. Working graveyard shifts makes you gain weight hence the sensitivity of the pregnant comments.

6. When nobody is laughing, the joke was not only NOT funny but people are silently judging you.

7. When in an argument the moment you realize you are actually wrong is the worst part of the day. But keep arguing. You may wear the person down. Hopefully they don't fact check.

8. Time really doesn't fly. I feel every single minute of my shift whether I am clowning around or actually working.

9. Naps are important. They are especially delicious when you are taking them on the clock. Being paid to sleep is perfect.

10.Under all conditions hearing "I need to talk to you in my office" makes your stomach hurt immediately.

11. High school kids get dumber and dumber and skinnier and skinner each year. My generation was the last batch of people with any common sense and respect for authority.

12. Sometimes pretending you heard what someone said then replying "yes" will get your ass in a crack.

13. Boredom and hunger are the same thing in the middle of the night.

14. It is ok to steal snacks from kids. My tax dollars are paying for it anyway.

15. Keeping people's phone numbers in your cell phone to avoid calls and texts from them is perfectly ok. Information is power.

16. When I bother to do my hair and make up then don't see a single person of significance I feel cheated. Like I need to have a cute day redo.

17. When being snarky and clowning grammatically incorrect emails sent by upper management, it is BEST to do this when the office snitch isn't around. However, if it does happen for a short time the emails clean up dramatically.

18. Gossip.. Everyone does it.. Even those who say they don't are always ear hustling.

19. There is always that time during the shift when it is evident you will not do anything productive for the rest of the time you are at work.

20. Good stories are born out of bad decisions and the BEST stories always start off with "I don't know what I was thinking but" or "What had happened was".

21. Most people do not hand write anything these days, so when they do, their handwriting is an atrocious mix of cursive and print with all sorts of spelling errors.

22. Sarcasm is totally lost on most people, especially ones who have the know it all attitude.

23. The best part of going to work, is the moment you are in the parking lot leaving for home. This can dampen when your relief is late then comes strolling in with a fast food bag in their hand.

24. Whomever invented text messaging deserves oral pleasure for the duration of their life.

25. Work hookups gone array are the best motivator to find another job.

FIN

Do you live more in the past or the present?

2011-05-29T09:48:00.001-07:00

Sadly I live in the past more than I would like. I am always thinking of how I could have some something better or differently. Trying to figure out how to correct past mistakes or wondering where I can find a time machine. Luckily, with all this reflection on the past, I rarely make the same mistakes twice.

Ask me anything

hi, just wondering how your weekend is going, any plans for the holiday?

2011-05-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

Considering I am a workaholic, my plans for my first weekend off this month is to lay in bed and watch tv. I am meeting my plan swimmingly!

Ask me anything

If you only had 24 hours to live what would be one of the first things you would do? Who would you want to spend your last 24 hours with? Anyone special?

2011-05-29T09:46:00.001-07:00

My last 24 hours would be spent with people I love unconditionally. My Mom, 2 best friends, and my first real boyfriend. They all get along so we would hang around the lake house, cook an amazing meal, drink wine, and eat copious amounts of sweets. I shouldn't wait for my last day on earth to do this. Perhaps I should schedule this soon.

Ask me anything

Just wanted you to know that I am really impressed with alot of your responses to these questions. You are too silly in a few of your responses but serious in others. I likesss alot. Take care, just wanted to know how did you get sooooo smart?

2011-05-29T09:42:00.001-07:00

LOL! Well thank you. I tend to be too serious most of the time, so I try to temper it with absolute foolishness in hopes of finding a midpoint. Smart no. I've just packed a lot of experience into my life. Experience is the best teacher.

Ask me anything

Worst movie you've ever seen?

2011-05-29T05:15:00.001-07:00

The worst movie I have ever seen is and 80's movie called "The Stuff" tied with "Blue Velvet" or "Pink Cadillac"

Ask me anything

Now, what's your favorite 'So bad it's good' film? Mine's Zardoz.

2011-05-29T05:14:00.001-07:00

My favorite so bad it is good film is Hustle and Flow..

Ask me anything

What's your favorite season, and would you live all year in that season if you could?

2011-05-29T05:13:00.001-07:00

My favorite season is spring. Signifies the end of winter and all things are sprouting and growing. Spring is the season of hope and possiblity plus it is warm and not too hot. I love spring colors pinks, yellows, purples, corals.... Yes. Spring is for me. I love everything it stands for. Hope SPRINGS eternal.

Ask me anything

The Law of Attraction part Deux

2011-05-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have been a follower of the Laws of Attraction for many many years. However, in life we get caught up in the day to day mundane tasks of living and lose track of the bigger picture. Positive thinking can be usurped with constant worrying and a revolving track of negative thoughts which continuously buzz around our heads like a group of killer bees. We get lazy in our approach to life. We get so wrapped up in SURVIVING that we stop LIVING. There is a difference between existing and actually taking an active part in steering our personal ship in the direction we desire it to go. I am so guilty of this. I forget that I am my thoughts. I construct my future. When I play negative or non-productive scripts endlessly in my mind, I am doing nothing but attracting more strife and difficulty. Well.. I've had enough. I am tired of being a mouse on a rat wheel running as fast as I can yet, getting absolutely nowhere.

SO I stopped.. I let go.. I focused my intention. I started actively using the Law of Attraction.

The BIGGEST and most pervasive issue in my life currently is my job. I do not like it. It is killing me slowly. I have been complaining for months and just recently actively started looking for another one. The problem is.. I was attracting the wrong thing. In my head I kept thinking I will never ever get out of here. My mind was focused in the absolute incorrect direction. Although I was doing the right things like applying for jobs, I was going about it in the wrong way. I wanted ANYTHING.. ANYTHING to get me out of the Nut Hut. I was spreading my intent all over the place and getting zero results. Garbage in Garbage out. None of the job listings I saw excited me. It was more like I could do this until I found something better.. The pay is not good enough.. I suppose I could tolerate this. I am not qualified to do this but if I tweak my resume maybe I could fake it. Not good folks. Not good at all. None of those thoughts were positive NOR did they draw anything of worth to me.

Then! I saw a job a actually would LOVE. A job I feel is perfect for my skill set. A career with a company I have always (secretly) wanted to work for, doing something I feel my soul is on this earth to do. Unfortunately, the negative soundtrack started. It is a long shot. I am not qualified. I will never get it. Why bother to apply? Waste of time. You don't deserve to make this much money yet..

What am I thinking? I am sabotaging myself before I started. So. I took a step back. Thought about it. Shut myself up. Took a cleansing breath. And now.. I am going to go for it.

I KNOW I WILL get this JOB. I DESERVE this job. I WILL HAVE THIS JOB. THE JOB IS MINE! NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY OF RECEIVING THIS JOB. I AM HAPPY I HAVE THIS JOB.

I want to pass along some of the tips of the Law of Attraction. I think it has always been my duty to share what I have learned with others to improve their situations.

You Become What You Think You Can (so think BIG you deserve it)
Your Intentions Become Reality
Constant Negative Thoughts Reinforce and Attract Negativity

4 Steps to the Law of Attraction
   1. Ask- It is important to be extremely specific and to use positive words full of meaning.
   2. Believe- Conduct yourself as if you have already received what you asked for.
   3. Receive- This is when what you ask for is manifested into your life.
   4. Gratitude- Be grateful for your wish as well as everything else you have.

Sounds easy right? It takes a lot of work to turn around our thinking from negative to positive. Here is an example of turning around your thoughts:

WRONG "I will never save $10,000.00 or I want $10,000.00 saved in the bank"

RIGHT "I am happy and grateful I have $10,000.00 in the bank"

Believe in it, believe in yourself, and it will all manifest in no time. The universe has a way of working quite quickly.

FIN

Thinking In Pink

2011-05-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a Wordless Wednesday in a long long time. Thoughts to me have colors and scents. Today I am thinking in pink. I must be in a good mental place as pink is the color of femininity and nurturing. So.. Wordless Wednesday is titled THINKING IN PINK..

FIN

Favorite character from Fiction?

2011-05-18T15:59:00.001-07:00

Hands down.. Karen Walker from Will and Grace.. HANDS DOWN

Ask me anything

What ice cream flavor describes your personality the best?

2011-05-18T13:38:00.001-07:00

This is the BEST question evah! It would be a dark chocolate ice cream with caramel ribbons with a dash of French sea salted caramels.

Ask me anything

Looking for My Burton

2011-05-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

Call me a gold digger if you like but after 10 years of being with a man who never gave gifts (to be fair RARELY gave gifts), I think it is about time I am with a man who knows his way around a jewelry counter. Seriously.. They way to my heart is not through food, or long walks on the beach, or even making me feel like I have to focus all my energy on him to be good enough.. Nope.. No.. It is through diamonds and pearls. Prince kinda had the song a bit wrong in my estimation. Love is amazing but Diamonds are Forever.

I am getting older and honestly little pieces of trinkety kiddy jewelry is not going to cut it. I have moved past rings made of sterling silver or diamonds so small you need the Hubble telescope to see them. It is time for real grown up gifts and that remind me who my best friends truly are. I like my friends large and stunning.

I may not have a lot of things in common with Elizabeth Taylor, LORD knows I am not a world renowned beauty. However, her love of gems earns her a warm place in my heart. Richard Burton's knack of purchasing good quality jewelry earns him my desire for the ability to successfully clone humans to hurry the hell up.

I have extravagant taste for sure. Hell I wore a 4 karat diamond tennis bracelet to the beach. Gucci, LeVian, Tiffany, David Yurman, Mikimoto.. All names that bring a shiver of joy to the cold cockles of my heart. It isn't like I haven't paid my dues going giftless for years and years and years. I've earned the right to expect small velvet boxes with galaxies of sparkles inside. Plus, in return I give amazing gifts as well.. My first boyfriend received a Gucci watch from me when we were 19. He may still have it as Gucci is timeless.

If the law of attraction is at work, my birthday this year will make up for a decade of disappointments and resentment. Annnnnnd if it doesn't pan out that way, I will buy MYSELF the baubles I feel I deserve. My jewelry box looks like a chest of pirate treasure and everyone knows pirates are always on the lookout for the next haul.

DISCLAIMER- The stunning jewelry was just one of the angles of the Taylor Burton saga..(I am materialistic but not THAT materialistic) She also called him her soul mate and great love of her life.. I am down of all of that and more. The jewelry just makes sure I am properly decorated.

FIN

My Heart and My Hero

2011-05-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

In life a person is lucky to have one true best friend. Someone who no matter what will give you unconditional love and support and an occasional kick in the ass. I must be double lucky because I have two best friends.

I spend a lot of time talking about Anne, but my OTHER best friend who I have known longer is named Heather. I feel as if we practically grew up together. My life is separated into two quadrants. Pre Heather and Post Heather. We met during my early twenties and although we are quite an unlikely duo, we are the closest of friends.. Sisters even. Luckily she isn't cutting a slice of the inheritance pie with me.

There are so many things I could say about her, silly anecdotes, scary ghost stories, foibles I got myself into and she pulled me out. Instead, I will list the 10 ten reasons why Heather ROCKS and why I love her so intensely, deeply, madly, and for eternity.

TOP 10 REASONS I LOVE HEATHER

1. She fights all my battles for me. As a Leo she is fiercely loyal. If something is going down Heather is the FIRST person to show up and the LAST person to leave. She has saved me from the jaws of death many many many times. Don't mess with her either. She is in the Roller Derby! Once I kicked a guy in the back because he wouldn't let me have his seat at a club (I was young and under the influence of Jack Daniels) needless to say he was going to strangle me until she jumped in and had him thrown out of the club. Sadly, a zillion more incidents like this have happened since then. I just can't keep my saucy mouth shut.

2. She lets me be me. Never critical amazingly supportive.

3. She is one of the few people I let boss me around. If she tells me to do something I just do it rather than complain. In reality I am older than Heather, yet she is definitely the Alpha in our relationship. Which is fine. I am the Alpha in all of my other relationships. It is easy to let go of control upon occasion.

4. Heather is extraordinarily smart! Wow is she a mini genius. She is also a perfectionist. If you want something done correctly and efficiently call her. She totally kicks ass in everything she does. Heather is the best of the best of the BEST.

5. We have so much fun together doing nothing. Plus we jabber so much we talk with our mouths full. Whatever we have to say is too important, no need to swallow. Just keep the conversation flowing. Most times we just sit around and talk about nothing and everything. These moments make up the best parts of my life.

6. She let me sleep with her when I have nightmares. Once we lived in a haunted house. No seriously. The house was haunted. My room was the MOST HAUNTED. Every night at 3AM the ghost would bother me and I would race down the hallway and jump into bed with her. After about a month I had my own pillow and blanket on her bed. I was so happy to move out of the ghost house.

7. She gave me the best gift ever. My beloved dog Willie Wonka the Springiest of Springer Spaniels. Willie was the best companion, baby, dog in the entire world. She started training Frasier C Puppykins and I have noticed he is better after a week of Heather Boot Camp.

8. Heather is a walking pharmacy. Whenever you need anything from a band aid to a nerve pill, she digs in her bag of tricks and whips out a remedy for whatever ails you.

9. She is one of the few people who has seen me cry. Oddly enough she was laughing the entire time, then called me a drama queen. She ALSO has HORRIBLE pictures of me before I got my look together, IE pre Nordstrom job. I have to stay in her good graces otherwise those pictures might see the light of day.

10. Heather has the biggest heart in the entire universe. When I am with her I can be silly and sing songy, easy breezy free, light hearted, and childish. I ONLY act this way with her. Everyone else gets the ice queen.

Annnnnd that is only scratching the surface of why I love her so much. She is just beyond amazing and I am lucky to have her as my best friend and personal hero. She gives me courage, laughter, unconditional unwavering love, compassion, friendship.. Scratch friendship.. We are family and I wouldn't have it any other way. Heather I love you like crazy, but don't ever let me dress up for Halloween and paint my lips silver ever ever ever ever again. You let me play myself. Then again... I did let her dye her hair Euro-Trash white blond then pumpkin orange. Meh. We are even.

FIN

What was your favorite thing to do during recess at school?

2011-04-26T05:37:00.001-07:00

I was crazy about playing tag. Honestly, I still enjoy tag. Just the adult version. *wink wink*

Ask me anything

Who is your best friend and how did you meet him/her?

2011-04-19T20:56:00.001-07:00

I have two best friends. Both I met working. One at Bennigan's the other at Chili's. Heather I was in awe and afraid of at the same time. Anne I tried to get fired before I figured out she was cool. Glad I didn't get her fired, glad I had the courage to talk to Heather.

Ask me anything

What's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?

2011-04-16T21:51:00.001-07:00

The scariest thing that has happened to me was watching a ghost rise out of the body of a sleeping child and float down the hallway.. I was terrified.

Ask me anything

Have you been able to keep your New Years resolutions or have you broken them?

2011-04-16T21:50:00.001-07:00

Most if not all of my resolutions have been bent, broken, shattered..

Ask me anything

What "big vacation" did you enjoy the most? And where do you usually go, or would like to go, on mini vacations?

2011-04-14T16:10:00.001-07:00

I spent 2.5 weeks in Italy and that was a dream come true. I took the train down the coast and visited the cities on my terms not hanging outside of a tour bus. The last mini vacation I took was to New Orleans. My next mini vacation will be to Nashville and the next big vacation will be to Belize or Thailand.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2011-04-14T11:22:00.005-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AbboFabbo

Besides Formspring, what websites do you check the most often?

2011-04-14T11:22:00.003-07:00

Sadly.. I check twitter the most and facebook is a close second.. then Hautelook and Macy's

Ask me anything

How often do you travel?

2011-04-14T11:22:00.001-07:00

I usually go on about 1 big vacation a year and 4 or 5 mini vacations in between. There is nothing like getting out of town if only for the weekend.

Ask me anything

@cisouza_ // Me segue no Twitter ? ~* pô é só um follow e cabô ~* - segue aeeee - @Cisouza_ @Cisouza_ @Cisouza_ @Cisouza_ @Cisouza_

2011-04-14T09:09:00.001-07:00

seria um prazer segui-lo. Eu posso escovar acima em meu Português.

Ask me anything

@cisouza_ / quando os cientistas disseram que é IMPOSSIVEL voce lamber; beijar seu cotovelo , voce discordou deles e tentou lamber; beijar ?

2011-04-14T09:08:00.001-07:00

um... ooookkkkkk... odd question.. next..

Ask me anything

@cisouza_ / Voce curte algum tipo de musica que os outros acham que é um lixo , mais pra voce aquele som é o som que te faz bem , que te faz feliz ? #eusimCINE

2011-04-14T09:07:00.001-07:00

I have eclectic taste in music. So yes. Some things I adore other people can't vibe to. I listen to it anyway. It makes me happy but not as happy as cupcakes and diamonds.
Tenho gosto eclético na música. Então, sim. Algumas coisas que eu adoro que outras pessoas não podem vibe para. Eu ouvi-la de qualquer maneira. Isso me faz feliz, mas não tão feliz como biscoitos e diamantes.

Ask me anything

voce já parou pra pensar que no dia seguinte voce fará as mesmas coisas que fez no dia anterior ?

2011-04-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

yes. life can be monotonous. days slip into weeks and weeks into months. sim. alguns dias escorregar em semanas e semanas em meses .. mesma coisa .. mais e mais .. a vida pode ser bastante rotineiro.

Ask me anything

quando voce acorda rapidamente , voce esquece seu sonho atual ?

2011-04-14T09:02:00.001-07:00

No. I try to always reflect on my dream before I get out of bed. I even keep a dream diary. Não. Eu tento sempre refletir sobre o meu sonho antes de eu sair da cama. Eu mesmo manter um diário de sonhos.

Ask me anything

when are you going to accept the supreme dominance of man? when are you going to stop fighting?

2011-04-14T08:59:00.001-07:00

Whomever believes in the "supreme dominance of man" needs deep and intense therapy in conjunction with heavy medication as they are obviously clinically insane.

Ask me anything

Oh, and why are you asking yourself questions?

2011-04-14T08:58:00.001-07:00

I am NOT asking myself questions.. Why would I? I already know the answers plus I already know what I am thinking.

Ask me anything

What are your plans for the day? =]

2011-04-14T08:57:00.001-07:00

My plans for the day are as follows.. sleep.. nap.. nap.. sleep.. wine.. dog park.. wine.. nap.. sleep.. work.. bitch and complain. :)

Ask me anything

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Are you glad you took it or do you regret it?

2011-04-14T08:56:00.001-07:00

The biggest risk I've taken to date was getting married to a man I didn't love and hoping I would grow to love him or fall in love with him eventually. It did NOT work out. However, I did learn to always listen to my own council. So something good did come out of it.

Ask me anything

The Oracle

2011-04-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

I had to fill out a "get to know me questioner" for work. Honestly I thought it was hokey but I did it anyway. At first I was answering the questions smartassy (I mean.. come on..) but about halfway through it I dug into the process and kinda enjoyed it (do NOT tell my boss, this team building stuff annoys me) So. Here are the results. A snapshot of the Oracle, it should explain my madness or at least give a clue or two.

Name: Absentminded Oracle

Age: A lady never tells her age and a polite person would never ask

Birth Date: I'm a Scorpio. That's all I am willing to divulge

Born: Bangkok, Thailand but I feel more like Park Avenue

Current Location: My Bedroom which is usually my permanent location if I am not at work

Occupation: Mental Health Professional and part time jewelry hustler

Reason why you chose to work in your field: I have a knack for influencing people (read I am manipulative and decided to make a career of it) And yadda yadda I want to help people

Hobbies: Once upon a time I had hobbies. Now my hobby is working. My other hobby is my friends and meddling in their lives without them knowing I am psyching them. I like shopping too but I don't want to seem to frivolous

Who is/are Your Inspirations: My parents, (standard answer but I mean it) my 3 best friends, and anyone who overcomes insurmountable odds

What is your Personal Style: Preppy, sexy, sophisticated, vampy chic with a dollop of girly girl for sweetness

Favorite Food: Asian.. I say Asian because it included a ton of different style cuisines. However, I do NOT like Vietnamese or Korean food

What inspires Your Personality: Power

Where is your Favorite Place: New York City. After all it is the center of the universe. NYC is where everything and everyone comes together. You can get anything or anyone there

Pets: Boston Terrier almost 2 years old. Named Frasier. After a neurotic snobby psychiatrist. He is a snobby neurotic dog

What do you Do in Your Free Time: What free time? I'm always working. If I can grab a minute I read or nap

Current Path: Trying to understand love and why it seems to visit other people all of the time and elude me

Goals: To get a PHD in Public Health and get out of the mental health field. It is very draining

What don't you leave home without: My iPod nano and Driod. These tools usually keep people from talking to me unnecessarily

Obsessions: jewelry jewelry jewelry shoes shoes shoes... I am on the hunt for the perfect purple sapphire and a pair of nude platform heels for the spring.. CUPCAKES CUPCAKES CUPCAKES!

Who are You Attracted To: Tall men, funny men, dimples, a laugh so infectious that it makes me laugh, fun loving, silly but not childish, passionate, smoldering, mystical, intelligent, muscular but no Roid Juice Head.. Wait.. This is starting to sound like a dating questioner

What Personality do You Like the Least: GEMINI, ignorant people, people who don't know what they are talking about and people who I have to constantly have to fact check behind

Who are you Most Like: My Mother. We call her The General.. I am now the Colonel

What did you Want to be When You Grew Up: The wife of an officer in the service OR a diplomat's wife. (FAILED MISERABLY)

First Job: Decorating Cakes for $8 an hour. Great job! I'm still a great cake decorator and baker

Where do You see Yourself in 5 Years: Blissfully happy living my enchanted dreams waking up with a smile going to sleep with passion on my lips

I have no earthly idea how this is going to bring our team closer by knowing random things about each other but whatevz. We are all psychs. We can see personality profile myers briggs bullshit coming a mile away.

FIN

formspring.me

2011-04-07T12:13:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AbboFabbo

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing?

2011-04-07T12:12:00.001-07:00

Oh wow.. I don't even know what is out these days.. But I really want to see the last Harry Potter movie whenever it comes out. I'm so corny. I won't be wearing a hairy potter outfit in line.

Ask me anything

Falling Off the Wagon

2011-04-07T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have fallen off the wagon again. Another false start with my diet exercise program. Sure I could chalk up a zillion reasons why I skipped the gym even on my days off or elected to eat wings, pizza, and drink Coke. Reasons are thinly veiled excuses shopped up as justifications. So. The only thing I can do is pick myself up.. Dust the guilt off.. Go back to the gym. Stop eating crappy food. Leave my Sugar Devil Coke alone. So, I'm taking it one day at a time. No pressure.

If You Crawled into My Mind

2011-04-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

If I could give a glimpse of what goes on in my head.. It would look like this.

What is the best way to get through to someone who's stubborn?

2011-03-29T19:04:00.001-07:00

You can't get through to stubborn people. They have to come to the conclusion on their own. Just stand by and watch. It is much easier on your psyche. Although you can drop subtle hints.

Ask me anything

If you had a day to volunteer, where would you volunteer?

2011-03-29T19:03:00.001-07:00

I have volunteered in the past for Habitat for Humanity. I loved it. So my 1 day to volunteer would be with them.

Ask me anything

Tweeting to the Point of Exhaustion

2011-03-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

Twitter.. What a phenomenon. There are hundreds of thousands of people on Twitter making connections, networking, promoting their business, basically we are all yammering through this public forum for one reason or another. I admit. Twitter is used as a stress reliever as well as a venting booth for me. I can't say whatever I want on Facebook anymore due to many people I desire to talk about are my "friends". Soooo.. I take the bitchfest to Twitter where I am nice and anonymous. I say whatever comes to mind no matter how evil, and I like it. Sadly a few people I know in real life follow me on Twitter so I can't be completely uncensored. The idea of opening up another account and keeping it mum has been meandering down the canals of my thoughts. Then again. That would be too much work. I can barely keep up with my two blogs and one is sadly neglected.

So. Twitter.. I checked my statics out of sheer curiosity. I have been on Twitter for 2 years 3 months 2 weeks 3 days 18 hours 58 minutes and 22 seconds as of right now. 2 years? 2 YEARS!!! As with any good relationship I can't believe the time has flown so quickly. I admit I am rather chatty. I do not think any of the people I tweet with have as many updates as I do. Currently I have 81,553 updates.. Which may seem like a LOT. However, considering I am following 1,214 tweeps and I have about 4,887 people following me, it is easy to rack up some serious numbers. I am always getting thrown in Twitter Jail for over tweeting in one hour. This would be a great time to use that second account that I should make. In real life I don't talk to 1,214 people in a whole MONTH! So I decided to break down my Twitter stats to see what I am really up to. I am always the psych.

Two of the people I tweet with most I know in real life. (All this information is provided by various Twitter apps I'm not pulling this out my my high heeled shoes) The other two are scorpios. Which in my estimation make them superior to everyone else. I do not know what criteria is set for these Twitter scores people keep posting, however I was intrigued enough to have mine calculated. Supposedly my score is a 7.5 out of 10 which to me sounds.. Average.. I personally believe I am ABOVE average so I am totally dismissing this as BS. It also seems I tweet about 94 updates a day.. Which is a dramatic decline. I used to tweet over 100 in an hour. Especially when I watch reality TV with my Twitter Buddies. It is so much fun to rip apart tomfoolery. Just like the twitter score there is also a Twitter grader. Also with unknown methods of coming up with numbers. I like my Twitter grade better as it is 100 out of 100. In the real world this means.. NOTHING. Another ridiculous Twitter analyzer claims I am a social butterfly (perhaps) and my impact on Twitter is 4% which translates to just about the salt that goes into bread. Being in the 88.6 percentile of Twitter away from my Droid or MacBook is basically worthless. Twitter is entertainment for me. Nothing more. I do not take it seriously and never will.

Twitter has been good to me. I've met some rockin people on Twitter. I've done several Cupcake Tweetups. All of which I have show up late thanks to crazy snafus. All of which my Twitter Friends have been extremely gracious. I don't think I can calculate the exact number of people I have met in person due to Twitter but I can attest I haven't been raped, assaulted, or serial killed yet. According to another Snake Oil Twitter site I have about 43% friend loyalty which is higher than the average of 24%. I suppose people are entertained by what they read. I am involved in conversations about 79.3% of the time which again is waaaay higher than the average 31.5%. So it looks like I actually talk to people rather than just stand on a soapbox shouting my thoughts and opinions randomly to the crowd like some deranged zealot. I very rarely retweet as I am narcissistic enough to believe me own thoughts are better reflective of what I am thinking than someone else. I also don't quote the Bible or put up inspirational stuff as I would feel like a fraud and a hypocrite considering LOTS of my tweets are about sex and drinking. Honestly I come off as a hyper sexual booze kitten.

Twitter also serves a purpose. I had some issues with Bank of America and was just venting on Twitter about how they are sucking the marrow of the working class and keeping us on the wheel of debt with unnecessary and exorbitant bank fees. Within 20 minutes I was contacted by a BOA rep and my issue was resolved. I used the same tactic with Chase. I suppose Chase doesn't care about negative publicity. They didn't do a damn thing. I subsequently closed my Chase account. Bastards! I complained about Delta airlines with a pleasant outcome as well. Even Fiji Water pays attention to tweets. Then again when you call their product "over priced kitty pee pee infused tap water" anyone would pay attention. Fiji Water rant also garnered great results. The recommendations provided on Twitter are quite useful as well. They have lead me to some amazing cupcake places and steered me away from terrible restaurants. I was informed about sales and where police were setting speed traps. Ah.. I love having the inside track. Twitter has become a powerful tool to get companies to do the right thing (most of the time) and for me to save cashola which is always a win win winnah in my book.

Yeah.. I'm a Twitter pro. I've been on Twitter so long I remember the good old days where the Fail Whale never showed up, celebrities didn't have accounts giving all sorts of bullshit advice, inspirational quotes, and shameless plugs. I was there when people actually made connections, knew what was going on in your life, and CARED. Now it is just an over crowded football field filled with people who have an overrated sense of self, screaming out to no one in particular about the most boring and mundane shit ever. Twitter should have been like Fight Club. First rule. You do not talk about Twitter. Second rule. You do not talk about Twitter. That would have prevented the wannabes who spam and misuse the site would have never polluted such a great entity.

FIN

The pictures are some of my favorite avitars that I have used on Twitter FYI.

When I Think of Home I Think of a Place

2011-03-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

I just watched the movie The Wiz. Can I just say the movie (which I have seen many many many times since childhood) struck a cord with me. I feel like Dorthy in Not so Wonderland trying my best to get back home. I even have a little dog too!

I am missing my home right now. It seems like ages since I have been there yet each time I step over the threshold a sense of relief overwhelms me. My best friend calls my home the Fortress of Naps. Well it may be that but the love and affection that radiates from the walls of my house.. Well.. It rejuvenates me. That house is the last place my father lived and where my mom comes when she wants to get away from the busy busy of her life in Tennessee.

If I was at home right now I would be sitting on the balcony looking at the lake. Most likely drinking a beer.. There is something about sitting by water and beer. It is as if they need each other to be complete. Lazing by water + beer = good times.

I am going to share a few pictures of my Nexus of Peace and Serenity and Anne's Fortress of Naps. Hopefully, I will be home soon so I can see the Magnolia trees bloom.

FIN

2011-03-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

Lately I haven’t been blogging much. I suppose I have been too busy working, working out, and making changes in my life. All of these are good things. I am feeling confident, strong, and positive for the first time in ages. I am trying to ride the wave to the beach. Anyhoo.. Not to phone in a blog post but I came across one of my favorite poems. It sort of describes where I am right now. Powerful. Unstoppable. So here it is.

EGO TRIPPING

I was born in the Congo

I walked to the fertile crescent and built the sphinx

I designed a pyramid so tough that a star that only glows ever one hundred years galls into the center giving divine perfect light.

I AM BAD

I sat on the throne drinking nectar with Allah

I got hot and sent an ice age to Europe

To cool my throat

My oldest daughter is Nefertiti

The rears from my birth pains created the Nile

I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I grazed on the forest and burned out the Sahara desert with a packet of goat’s meat

And change of clothes

I crossed it in two hours

I am a gazelle so swift

So swift you can’t catch me

For a birthday present when he was three

I gave my son Hannibal an elephant

He gave me Rome for mother’s day

MY STRENGTH FLOWS EVER ON

My son Noah built new/ark and

I stood proudly at the helm

As we sailed on a soft summer day

I turned myself into myself and was Jesus

Men intone my loving name

All praises all praises

I AM THE ONE WHO WOULD SAVE

I sowed diamonds in my back yard

My bowels deliver uranium

The fillings from my fingernails are semi precious jewels

On a trip north

I caught a cold and blew

My nose giving oil to the Arab world

I am so hip even my errors are correct

I sailed west to reach east and had to round off the earth as I went

The hair from my head thinned and gold was laid across three continents

I AM SO PERFECT SO DIVINE SO ETHERICAL SO SURREAL
I CANNOT BE COMPREHENDED
EXCEPT BY MY PERMISSION

I mean… I.. can fly

Like a bird in the sky

Nikki Giovanni

I think my favorite line in this poem is

“I am so hip even my errors are correct”

I identify with that. Completely.

FIN

March 10th, 2011

2011-03-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today I made my triumphant return to the gym. Sadly it has been so long since I have been to 24 Hour Fitness, they actually did away with membership cards and now your finger is scanned.. I was chagrined to find out they started this system in OCTOBER. Can I tell you I am exhausted and sore already?

Anyhoo.. On my quest to better myself in 2011 since this is my year.. (I am totally claiming it) I decided to start off slowly. I did 45 minutes of cardio. Tomorrow I am going to start lifting weights again. I have lost major weight before and I am about to do it again. This time I am very focused and when I am focused on something you can put that in the bank. So. March 10th, 2011 is the first day of my fitness regime. Can't wait. Next month I will see results.. And a few more months down the line I will look like this..

After all Anne and I are going to Belize. I need to look good in a bikini.

FIN

Where's the most embarrassing place your cell phone has ever gone off?

2011-03-09T05:54:00.001-08:00

I usually keep my phone on silent or vibrate however the alarm once went off while I was at work. Very embarrassing

Ask me anything

What would you do if you're totally stuck up into a messy relationship where the guy is a total loser and has lost all hopes about himself even though he's extremely talented and loves you like mad?

2011-03-08T11:40:00.001-08:00

Wow.. I am addicted to passionate people. This one is tough. Just because someone loves you doesn't force you to in turn love them right back. I have learned (the hard way) to put my agenda first and if this relationship was compromising me then I would have to totally walk away from it. We can only be truly responsible for our own actions and must not always feel obligated to save people. Sometimes in trying to save someone we lose and destroy ourselves. I noticed in the question you did not mention loving the other person so that means you have the right priorities which is loving yourself first.

Ask me anything

Who do you txt message with the most?

2011-03-08T11:36:00.001-08:00

I text my best friend Anne the most I believe but Liv is a close second. Sometimes first.

Ask me anything

Sometimes I Even Amaze Myself

2011-03-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long long time.. I went to.. The GROCERY STORE!

I know. Imagine that. Most people go weekly or at least monthly, but I try to avoid the grocery store like the plague. It is full of children running around touching stuff, wailing babies, worn out tried mothers, fathers on auto pilot, and a whole slew of other things I want no parts of. Plus. Considering I am only responsible for Puppykins and he eats dog food, why should I go to the grocery store when I can just order out whatever I want? I do happen to go to the store but it is the

Anyway.. Back to the grocery store expedition. There was a time when I ate healthy and cooked 100% of my meals. I suppose I am coming out of a funk and somewhere in me is the desire to monitor what I am eating. Although I didn't have a specific list, I knew pretty much what I desired to purchase. I am a crazed label reader. It is nothing for me to stand in the cereal isle for 30 minutes comparing box after box until I find the cereal which is nutritionally balanced box of my dreams. I am also picky in the produce department. The skills of smart shopping haven't left me although they have been dormant for quite a while.

I feel pretty good about the things I purchased. Not everything is healthy. Somehow a bag of Twizzlers and some ice cream managed to find their way into the cart. I did leave my Sugar Devil Coke on the shelf so I am majorly proud of that. So. One step towards being healthier in 201. That is what I call

FIN

what's your job? i

2011-03-04T14:28:00.001-08:00

I work as a night psych at a mental health facility which I lovingly call the Nut Hut.

Ask me anything

What quality do you value most in your friends?

2011-03-04T14:27:00.001-08:00

loyalty

Ask me anything

Cleaning Out My Closet

2011-02-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

We are on the threshold of Spring.. Like I said before this is my year and a lot of the old ghosts from 2010 are being exercised. One place in my home that holds major energy is my closet.

Clothes holds memories.. All you have to do is look at a sweater or a dress and memories come rushing to you like a tsunami. Good memories, bad memories, passionate ones, apathetic ones... Memories.. All held in the fibers of your clothing. Clothes reflect our mood or where we are emotionally in life at the time. Colors. Red passion.. Pink love.. Blue trustworthy.. Green peacefulness.. Gray apathy.. Black trying to look thinner.. The feel of leather, lace, silk, satin, denim, charmuse, cotton invoke emotions.. Feelings.. Clothes touch so many of our senses. My love affair with clothes started with working for

I had the most glamorous manager. She was the ultimate taste-maker in my eyes. Everything about her was exotic and refined, even her name bespoke of elegant mystery. I would reveal her cool ass name because I want to respect her privacy. Oddly enough she has moved to West Virginia and is farming and raising chickens. Who would have known the fashionable lady clad in St. John suits and diamonds the size of grapes would be digging in the dirt.

With time and experience (a better paycheck) I started shopping here

and here

Flash forward to the Oracle at the Nut Hut.. All I wear are sweats and tennis shoes. No need for sky high heels or luxurious silks. Although I spend the majority of my time dressed down, I still dress like I used to when I work in the jewelry department a few hours a week. I suppose that balance keeps me sane. I might do restraint holds on kids but I am still a glamanista. After all I AM wearing a Gucci watch while I am holding them down.

Well.. It is time to lighten my load. I have been carting around clothes that are too small for years.. I had the hope upon hope that I would one day fit back into them. I mean come on. Channel skirts and Gucci sweaters NEVER go out of style. Buuuut.. I need to be realistic. I am NEVER going to be a size 2 again.. And until I get out of this unhappy rut (IE get out of the nut hut) I am never going to lose weight. When I am miserable I am fat.. When I am happy I am thin. Time to let go of the past. Time for the clothes to go.

I have to say cleaning out my closet has been extremely therapeutic for me. I've laughed, I've cried, I've reminisced.. Some stuff still have the tags on them so I wonder why the hell did I buy it? All of it is going to the Goodwill.. I thought about taking it to a resale shop but I really really believe in my heart the Goodwill is the place for these clothes. They will be well appreciated. They will once again be loved as I loved them. I am giving them a chance at a new life rather than eternity in the catacombs of my closet.

I am not finished yet, but each bag of clothes, shoes, coats, and accessories I pull out makes me feel lighter.. Hopeful.. Connected to myself in a way I have been disconnected in years. Thanks for the memories clothes! But I won't need to rely on you so heavily in the future. I am spending less time on who I was and what I could have been and focusing on who I am and who I am going to be.

FIN

The Process

2011-02-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

The Process of looking for a job is.. Well.. Daunting and very labor intensive. Seriously.. I can see why people stay in positions they despise for years until they retire, get fired, or finally lose it and shoot up the workplace.

I finally took the plunge and started SERIOUSLY looking for a job. Honestly, for about six months or so I was just giving it lip service. I SAID I wanted to get a new job. I even prayed for a new job, but I did little to nothing to make it happen.. I would pursue Monster or Hot Jobs for a few minutes then get sidetracked by Twitter or some flash sale on the Internet and abandon my job search as quickly as rich people got off the Titanic. Things have changed.. I am at the end or the end of my rope. I don’t even have threads in my hands.. I am DONE.

Sooo.. Now I am HONESTLY putting a lot of energy into looking for a better position. I mean hell.. What do I have to lose? One thing I am finding out, my job is paying me basically beads and blankets laced with syphilis! I knew I wasn’t getting financially compensated for what I was worth but I had NO idea how under market my pay is. I am extra insulted! I think this new found knowledge makes me even more militant at work. Like. Nat Turner militant. I think my employer is running an indentured servant program.

Our workweeks consist of 8 days straight then we are given 4 days off. This basically wears us the hell out. If you read any of my tweets concerning the Nut Hut you know how stressful my job is. By day 5 or so I run out of juice. In laymen’s terms.. I don’t care anymore. As long as a kid isn’t bleeding majorly, I don’t want to hear it. Not very therapeutic of me. Another unfortunate byproduct of working 8 on 4 off is you are too exhausted to look for employment elsewhere. You are in the matrix or perhaps a mouse on a little rat wheel running your heart out and getting NOWHERE.

There are success stories I hear. Sometimes people actually make it off of the plantation. One day you see a coworker.. Then.. They just sort of disappear. If you ask about them the standard response is “so and so is no longer with us”. I live for the day when the statement can be applied to my name. This is basically how the conversation will go.. “Hey where is Oracle? Is she on another one of her vacations?” Response “Oracle kick ass though she is, is no longer with us”. Yeah… They are pretty much going to be saying that about me really soon and that gives me motivation to stay off of twitter and turn my resume into a skeleton key which will open ANY door.

FIN

Year of the Rabbit

2011-02-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

I am not what one would consider a traditional Christian.. Lots of my time is spent studying all sorts of religions, philosophies, and ways of thinking. I am especially fond of Eastern practices. My patchwork quilt of spirituality to some may seem odd and borderline wacky, however to me it makes total sense. I want to be in a constant state of evolution. Learning. Growing. Evolving.. Bettering myself..

2010 was the year of the Tiger and believe me.. It bit me in the ass. Multiple times. I was overjoyed when the new Chinese year ushered out the fierce Tiger and brought in the gentle Rabbit. I am a bit biased towards rabbits as many of my closest friends are rabbits. I can business with rabbits. Gentle, charming, kind, sweet, furry harmless creatures. Yeah. Screw you Tiger I am riding with the Rabbit this year!

As I have said.. This is MY YEAR! The year of the Rabbit is a year of peaceful changes all of which I welcome with an open heart. A lot can happen in a Rabbit year but the quote I am hanging on to with dear life is

"Money can be made without too much labor. Our life style will be languid and leisurely as we allow ourselves the luxuries we have always craved for. A temperate year with unhurried pace. For once, it may seem possible for us to be carefree and happy without too many annoyances."

After all the hard work and bullshit I endured in the Tiger year... I am totally going to roll with easy money and minimized annoyances. Hell.. Who wouldn't? Yep.. The Rabbit is lucky and I am going to grab it by the foot and hold on for an easy ride! I have earned it.

From me to you.. Happy Year of the Rabbit.. Summertime and the livin is easy!

FIN

Valentine's Day Can Suck IT!

2011-02-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Every year I do some sort of post on or near Valentine's Day bemoaning how much this day sucks. Like seriously.. It sucks for me. In fact.. Valentine's Day can kiss the darkest part of my ass till the skin is red like those stupid ass hearts full of yucky cheap drugstore chocolate people are so fond of. Since I am working towards being LESS bitter and MORE positive this year.. I am going to take a somewhat different approach to Valentine's Day. This year instead of waiting for some random person to validate me with tokens of love and appreciation.. I will celebrate Valentine's Day in my head.. Sort of like the Matrixesque type dealio. So. Monday was Valentine's Day and this is how I celebrated it.. In my own mind..

Who could say no to breakfast in bed? Especially a light breakfast as something like this will soon follow.

Then why not go for a hot stone massage? Completely relaxing.

Now that I am relaxed I can spend the afternoon SHOE SHOPPING!

We would try to prepare lunch but it would play out more like this

Then somehow this would be slipped on my neck

It would be fun to take a walk on the beach and perhaps a little swimming

Then a romantic dinner on the beach much much much later

Where Georgetown Cupcakes would be served as desert and I would find this hidden on the plate

I could put up more sensual pictures but after all that jewelry I am sure you can figure out how I would show my gratitude.

Yeah.. That is how I spent my Valentine's Day 2011.. I can't wait till next year.

FIN

formspring.me

2011-02-09T05:55:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AbboFabbo

Things I Am Going to Do in 2011

2011-01-02T23:58:00.000-08:00

I totally believe in speaking things into existence. The spoken word has so much power. Once you say something and put your intent behind it the universe works with you. Speak. Believe. Manifest. So. In the spirit of speaking things into existence, I am going to ~~speak~~ write into existence what is going to happen to me in 2011.

1. I am going to leave the Nut Hut. I have done my time in Attica. Now I have the experience I needed to get a better and more financially appropriate position. They will give me glowing references as I was a model employee. Also, I am leaving the Nut Hut on my own terms. When I am ready and without repercussions from the bitchasssy management. (you always have to be careful how you state things lest you get monkey pawed)

2. My next place of employment is going to be amazing. Basically this will be my dream job. Professional management, great co workers, wonderful working conditions.. Just an all around great fit for my talents. There will be growth and I will be appreciated. This will be the job I have been dreaming of my entire life. The benefits package is phenomenal. I will have NOTHING TO COMPLAIN about working here. I will stay as long as I want. This will be the missing piece sliding into place in my life. Oh and I will get paid well.. Very very very well.

3. My living conditions will improve. No need to elaborate. My home will be my haven. I will create a Paradise of peace, serenity, and happiness. I will be living exactly where I want to live with whom I want to live with. My home will contain all the people I love and who love me unconditionally.

4. I will finally lose the weight I gained at the Nut Hut. Last year I gave weight loss a lot of lip service without fully committing. I used the graveyard shift as a major reason why I couldn't go to the gym or eat properly. That is over. In 2011 I am going to lose 45 pounds. I've done it twice before and I will do it again. This time the weight loss is for good.

5. I will pay off the remaining credit card debt. I managed to rid myself of 3 credit cards in 2010. This year I will pay off the rest of them and maintain 4. Sidebar- I had 13 at one time. I know.. Bad Oracle. I did learn a lesson.

6. I will put myself first. Decisions will be made solely on how they effect me. I can't keep putting other people's feelings ahead of my happiness.

7. I will work less. It has come to my attention I am a workaholic. This year I will take time to enjoy life. Travel, travel, travel! In 2011 I am going to Costa Rica and Thailand/ Singapore. I said it out loud. Costa Rica and Singapore/ Thailand trips.

8. I will spend more time with my Mother. She is amazing and I adore her beyond words. In the end we have each other. I am going to do everything within my power to make her life comfortable and dazzling. I will also spend more time with my friends. They rock and I love them all. So to all the members of the Circle of Trust.. You will be seeing more of me in 2011 but you already knew that.

9. I will accessorize daily. I have great jewelry but sometimes I just don't take the time to put it on. in 2011 I am going to wear something special daily. Nothing lifts my spirits faster than my jewelry. I also will take time to put on cosmetics and perfume even if I am running late. No more excuses. I am going to be Oraclesque presentable every day. When I am in the mood I would pull myself together, but more often than not (depression) I didn't feel like it. NO MORE! I will look like myself every day.

10. I leave this space open for anything else I think of.. I am sure there will be.

Happy New Year to you all! May the best of 2010 be the worst of 2011!

FIN

2011 You Better Kick Ass OR ELSE!

2011-01-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

Dear 2011,

Last year was a year full of setbacks, hard work, people driving me to the edge of sanity, financial scrapes, and a whole wealth of bullshit. I have great expectations for you 2011 as 2010 turned out to be a jankey bossy boyfriend with bad credit and suspected VD. Basically something that I am delighted it is behind me. You see 2011, you have so much promise, potential, and hope. I have put a lot of preparation into you. Great care and planning to make and mold you, yes YOU my breakout year. All the planets are aligned. All the sacrifices have been made prior to your arrival. I am paid in full. So you see.. All you have to do is deliver. I did my part, and will continue to work diligently with you to make this year the best ever. I have come out of the dark tunnel victorious. The Allegory of my Cave is over. It is my turn to shine. Hell. I toiled hard enough. I deserve it. 90 hour work weeks, sleeping 3 hours a day if that, paying down enormous debt, working in one of the most dangerous places in Houston, the toll of working nights has had on my body, being away from my family and friends.. The list goes on and on. I am just giving you insight into why my expectations are so seemingly astronomical. The chickens have come home to roost. After all I have made the impossible possible.. I made it look easy AND I did it in heels. So. The heartbreaks, back breaking work, and sacrifices are over. I'm ready for you. I am now ready to enjoy my life and stop putting my hopes into a better future while suffering though the now. The future is here and my time is NOW.

laissez les bons temps rouler

Fondly,

Oracle

Retail Hell.. Things I Learned Working Retail this Holiday Season

2010-12-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

Things I Learned Working Retail This Holiday Season

This year I picked up a part time job working retail for some extra scratch. Honestly, it was more for the discount than anything else but I like to tell people I am working to pay off credit card debt. It sounds more responsible than I want a 20% price cut on my Bobbi Brown make up. As a result of working at the mall said credit card debt didn’t exactly diminish, yet it didn’t increase either. So perhaps it is more of a wash? Maybe? Either way. I have some cool new stuff. FINAL ANSWER.. I did manage to pay down my debt in the loooooong run so the retail job did more good than harm.

I study people. Truly I do. Sometimes I feel like a scientist and people are my living experiments. I scrutinize their behavior and then make hypothesis on behavioral patterns and outcomes. Not to brag but I am rather proficient in predicting how people are going to act. This skill really comes in handy at the Nut Hut. Hence I have a Nut Hut record for not getting assaulted, spit on, or cursed out. I am running a year strong too. But I digress. People. Are. Crazy. Working retail reminded me that people who are considered “normal” or “regular” are.. CRAZY AS HELL.

I am rarely stunned by what people do. This year.. I was rendered speechless.

Exhibit A- I was walking to the restroom, which is located in the Junior’s department when a woman accosted me and asked me to see what size jeans she was wearing and the style number. Before I could inform her I work in the jewelry department, she turned around and pulled her pants down so low I could see the better part of her ass. Then she looked over her shoulder expectantly at me and reinterated that she needed to know the information on the inside of her jeans. Luckily I recovered quickly and provided her with the information she requested. Then I made a beeline for the ladies room before another crazed customer bothered me with bra size or something worse.

Exhibit B- Why do people come to the FINE JEWLERY department looking for something under $100? It is impossible. ALSO if you are purchasing diamonds and the cost is under $500 chances are the quality is NOT GOOD. So do not inform me the diamonds are cloudy. OF COURSE they are cloudy. They are cheap diamonds. Now, if you are in AFRICA and pay $500 for a diamond I am sure the quality would be better as it hasn’t been marked up oh say… 300% before it hits your hot little hands. So to recap. There is nothing in the fine jewelry department for about $100 no matter how you hunt in the case trying to locate a deal. I work there and basically know how much everything costs. There is no way you can outsmart me on the price.

Exhibit C- There is a difference between a department store and a bazaar in Asia or the Middle East. We DO NOT haggle on the price. The price is just that.. The price. Finding a flaw or trying to be charming will not lower the price. It will just get on my nerves and cause me to yank the item out of your hand, slam the case shut, and walk away mumbling about swap meets and pawn shops. Do not waste my time. Also there is no layway. Do not mention layway to me. It drives me nuts.

Exhibit D-If you are purchasing a piece of jewelry and the stones are small don’t you dare ask for a certificate of authenticity. Are you kidding? Why authenticate diamond sparkles? When the stone is so small you need the Hubble Telescope to indentify it is even a gemstone, there is no need to have a piece of paper standing behind its quality. It is of little quality hence why it is being utilized in supporting role manner.

Exhibit E- When the store is packed, I am NOT going to call another store looking for something for you. Number one the sales associates I am calling are just as busy as I am and secondly if they are anything like me, they will pretend to look for the item but in reality finish ringing up the customer they are working with then return to the phone after a believable amount of time to inform you they do not have the item in question.

Exhibit F- If you want something, but it THEN.. Chances are when you come back the item will have sold out. If you like it there are lots of other people that like it as well. And they aren’t going to be wishy washy. If you don’t pull the trigger and get the item after you have spent mover 40 minutes of my time, I am going to do my best to sell whatever you wanted to the next person. It may be mean but you need to learn a lesson. Time waits for no man, and neither does Oracle. I am quite proficient at selling things people are “thinking about” and when they return giving them a sarcastic smile and saying “you snooze you loose”.

Exhibit G- The closer to Christmas, the more stuff costs. Retailers know last minute shoppers are desperate so they raise the prices. The better sales happen in November or early December. Then prices steadily climb. It is the same principal of the conscience store. They charge and arm and a leg for things which you can get at the local grocery store for MUCH LESS.. People are paying for a concience. Believe me. They are praying a premium.

Exhibit H- When people work on commission do NOT keep coming back to the department looking at the same piece with different sales associates. It causes friction in the department when you finally buy the item. Each person feels the sale belongs to them and there is no way to split the sale. So basically someone is going to feel slighted as you used up time they could have been spending with another customer. Also, don’t as “Do you work on commission” then ask me to ring up clothes. For that matter, do not bring clothes to the jewelry department anyway. We do not have large bags NOR do we have the means to take off the censor tags. Return merchandise in the SAME department you purchased it. When people bring pots and pans and ask if they can return them with me I look at them like the dumbasses they are. Common sense people. Common sense.

Exhibit I- If it is December 23rd or 24^th do not tell me you are “getting ideas”. You jackass. There isn’t any time left and practically no inventory. If you saw something online and we don’t have it in the store we sold out. Don’t get pissy about it. You should have purchased it online. I can’t make it appear. If I had magical powers like that I would make most people DISappear.

Yep.. For a psych working holiday retail is like being in Candyland. I had a great time. Beer is good, God is great, people are crazy.. (I love that song)

FIN

Sometimes You Just Need to Let Go...

2010-12-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

Prince wrote no truer words than "I can't make you love me if you don't.. I can't make your heart feel something it won't". This lyric can be applied to so many things. From vegan food which totally can't make me love it no matter what to relationships with people. Matters of the heart are so arduous and I am not speaking of romantic matters solely. Even friendships can be laborious. No matter what you do, you cannot make someone care about you if they don't.

Spending copious amounts of money will only leave you financially strapped. Losing weight will provide you with a healthier frame, yet the emotional damage of the rejection which looms around the corner doesn't offset the benefits of the weight loss. Eventually emotional eating will win out and the weight will return like a scorching case of herpes. Devoting lots of time and energy to the person will make you look desperate. Thirsty even. Doormat. Easily used. None are enviably places to reside. Yes. There is no way to make someone give a damn about you if they don't.

Lately I feel like I am in the gruel line for attention from a friend. I get the minuscule allotted amount of consideration and like Oliver Twist I find myself begging for more. "Please Sir.. May I have somemore?" Please like me.. Please pay attention to me... Please approve of me.. I will do anything.. Change everything... Transform into perfection's perfection. Just to be validated. Why am I here? Why am I in this place?

Friendships should be mutual. Not one person bearing the burden of a friendship like Atlas with the world on his back. Two way streets don't have a singular car doing all of the driving. If I want any contact with my friend I am the one who always has to call or text or set up a lunch or meeting. Then.. Like clockwork.. It is canceled. I don't even get the graciousness of a phone call a day or even hours in advance. Instead I wait and wait and wait till I finally break down and call them AGAIN to get the something has come up thing. Well. Not anymore. I don't run programs like that. I am not going to let anyone devalue my friendship. If my dog and pony show aren't appreciated I am just going to pack it up and move on to another more agreeable town.

I have been known in my day to cut people off cold. So thoroughly I actually forget they exist and when people question me about said person, I usually have a blank stare reaction. I think it is time to pull out my old playbook. Reciprocity is important. Unlike Bernie in Waiting to Exhale, if I am not getting what I need, I am damn sure not going to give anyone what they want much less need either. Hell.. I feel better already. Dead weight was been lifted off my shoulders. I have more time and energy to dedicate to the people who deserve it. There is a Herculean test to be worthy enough to be part of the Circle of Trust but once you are in the rewards are great. However, unlike a roach motel, once you are in you can get kicked out.

FIN

I Want None of This Shit for Christmas

2010-12-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

The holidays are upon us, and I have been thinking of the art of giving gifts. Believe me there is an ART to giving a gift. Not everyone is an artist. People are frantically running around stressing out over selecting the perfect present yet, honestly I am quite sure there are going to be more reactions like this no matter how much deliberation has been put into the gift selection.

Yeah.. You know it.. The what the fuck is this face. Followed by the what the fuck were they thinking scowl. It has happened to me more times than I can count. At this stage in the game, instead of letting disappointment set in, I just smile a tight little smile and rush through the awkward moments.

So. What would totally suck if found underneath the tree? All of these things!

Victoria's Secret lotions and potions and body products. P-U.. Stinkalicious! They are too scented and smell cheap. Basically they suck. Try Jo Malone instead. Far more tasteful.

Trashy lingerie. Men know it is actually for them rather than for us. Women aren't as stupid as we pretend to save your egos.

Any household appliance or something meant for cooking or cleaning. UNLESS they specifically ask for these things. Otherwise skip it. A gift is something you wouldn't buy yourself. Rather than something you need which you will purchase anyway.

Fake purses! The horror! Fake purses are just.. Awful. No matter how much people try to deny their fake purse looks fake.. we know.. we know..

Pandora bracelets.. I just hate these things.. They are from hell.

Self help books.

Now.. If something from these places makes it under the tree.. I would actually be nice.. For.. About a week or so.

Who can go wrong with Tiffany and Company? Uh.. Nobody!

David Yurman.. Swoon!

Oh yeah.. If I had a goody from one of these designers, it would be a very merry Christmas indeed..

FIN

Things Guys Wish Women Knew and Put to Practical Application

2010-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

I came across a list of things men/guys wish women knew. As I was reading said list, I thought.. Hmm.. This all makes sense. I find myself setting men up for failure all the time. It would save a lot of grief, silent treatments, emotional spending and eating if I just let go and stop expecting men to be more like women. After all.. I have plenty of women friends and if I want a certain type of nurturing, skip the middle man and go straight to a woman. As a consummate altruistic soul, I will share the list. I must be in the holiday spirit.

THINGS GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW

1. Sometimes guys don't want to talk. No need to take it personally. Call a girlfriend and gab away.

2. Helpless is so not cute. In fact it is overrated and stupid.

3. Men are single minded. Don't talk to them while they are doing something. It throws them off. They will either ignore you or totally screw up what they are doing.

4. Too many self help books in plain sight make them nervous.

5. Do not ask questions like "Do you think she is more pretty than me" as you may not like the answer.

6. Men do not go shopping. If they need something they just buy it. Like a recon mission. In and out.

7. Couples like Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones make men proud. Sort of like our Pretty Woman fantasy.

8. Sundays = Sports. No way around it.

9. Crying is blackmail.

10. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Not even strong ones. They will not pick up on nuances in conversations or well placed pictures with things circled in red Sharpie.

11. Yes and No are typical answers to almost any question and quite suitable.

12. Don't fake it otherwise they will keep doing the same thing that doesn't work. FOREVER!

13. If something a guy says can be interpenetrated two different ways, be sure the one that DOESN'T make you angry is the one he intend.

14. Relationships are NEVER going to be like the first few months you started going out. It is like chasing a drug high. Never as good as the first time.

15. If a guy asks "What's wrong" and the reply is "Nothing", they will proceed as if nothing is wrong. Hey.. You said noting.

16. It is not in anyone's best interest to take a magazine quiz together.

17. Either ask a guy to do something OR tell him how you want it done. Not both. Nagging doesn't work well either.

18. If you want to vent about a problem go to a girlfriend. A guy is going to give you solutions whether you are seeking them or not.

19. It isn't that guys do not want to make women happy, sometimes they just don't know how.

20. If it itches... It WILL be scratched.

FIN

National Cupcake Day 2010

2010-12-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

I could not let this day pass without mentioning it is NATIONAL CUPCAKE DAY! Come on! Best day ever! So, I would like dedicate a post to my favorite cupcake bakeries of all time. Without them.. I would be cupcakeless or basically eating muffins. In no particular order here are the best cupcake bakeries I have been to in the United States.

It is such an honor for a bakery to make the Cupcake Cup as my opinions are so very important.. I had to laugh at that.

The Cupcake Collection

http://www.thecupcakecollection.com

Sprinkles Bakery

http://www.sprinkles.com

Magnolia Cupcakes

http://www.magnoliacupcakes.com

Georgetown Cupcakes

http://www.georgetowncupcake.com

GiGi's Cupcakes

http://www.gigiscupcakesusa.com

I am always on the hunt for a new and uber delicious cupcake. Each time I visit a city I try out all the cupcake bakeries I can before my host gets sick of driving me around for little bites of heaven. Anne and I even did a Cupcakes Across America tour. In honor of National Cupcake Day I leave you with words of wisdom and serenity.

FIN

What I Need....

2010-12-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

What I need is a damn vacation. My bestie Anne and I were going on a liberation vacation this year, unfortunately circumstances totally postponed this trip. Instead I am working my ass off and hopefully next year we can go to the place where it all started for Oracle. I've always thought I was just a bit more special than most people because I was born in an exotic country. Annnnnd.. I'm right.

Since I can't take a REAL vaycay. I am going to take a virtual vacation to the land of my birth. Here it is! My vacation!

To....

Yes ladies and gentlemen.. I was born in Thailand.. Bangkok to be exact. Once the juvenile laughter has died down we will continue our virtual vacation.

I would stay at a lovely hotel in Bangkok

Basically go to the spa almost every day for treatments. I am quite partial to hot stone massages.

I would visit the market and eat street vendor food. Health Department standards be damned! I am adventurous and on vacation.

I would also visit the water market for fruit and ambiance.

Why take a regular taxi when you can take a chuck chuck?

I would go see a few Thai dance shows. Their hand motions covey the most gossamer beauty. When I was younger I learned a few native Thai dances.

I would also eat Thai food in fancy restaurants.

This is the palace where I am CONVINCED I was born. As you all know I AM ROYALTY.

I would visit Buddhist temples. After all I am in need of peace and serenity. I would turn prayer wheels and chant with monks in tranquility.

Thailand is known for their sapphires. There is no way in the world I would leave without jewelry. Especially pink, yellow, orange, and blue sapphires. Perhaps some gold and jade as well.

I would also spend time at the beach. Snorkeling and scuba diving! I might even surf and go deep sea fishing. Take boat rides in glass bottom boats and admire brightly colored fish and coral.

More temples!

After all that excitement I would lounge by the water and read a book.

Yep! That would be my vacation. It was all planned out. Sadly this holiday I am stuck in Texas, but I do have Puppykins to keep me company. So perhaps things aren't so bad.

FIN

I Can Honestly Say.. I Can't Relate.. At All.. Not Even A Little

2010-12-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my friend sent me this cryptic text message. And I quote:

"If someone told you that you were pretty good in bed what would you think?"

Well.. I had no response. Because. Well. That has NEVER been my problem. Pretty good in bed? Never heard it. Addictive? yes. Mind-blowing? yes. The Best I've Ever Had? Plenty of times. Have I been stalked by people cut off from the well of passion? YES! When I got married a collective bemoan of grief rang out all across North America. There are few things I know for sure but I earned the nickname "The Golden Snatch" fair and square. Being described as average to pretty good.. Never. Not Never. Usually you can relate to problems friends have on some level, unfortunately in this case I would have had more to say if she told me an alien landed on her shoe and bit her toe. Basically, I was speechless. I mean. What CAN I say? I can't relate. It is so foreign to me I struggled to reach beyond myself to offer any semblance of advice.

Needless to say the conversation intrigued me. I wanted to know more. Get to the bottom of this mystery. Sucking or being mediocre in bed. What a concept! She filled me in on her perspective and believe me I was listening with the scrutiny of a lawyer. My friend was pretty broken up about being inadequate in bed. Finally managed to muster up some advice. Good in bed vs bad in bed is all relative and perhaps she needs not to shoot at targets which are beyond her proficiency.

Check it. If you have been playing in the minor leagues for years it is obvious you don't have the talent or skill to play in the major leagues. So. Be happy playing the game with people who are on your aptitude level. Now. If you play in the minor league with dreams of being in the major league, you have 2 options. 1 step your game up or 2 be the best minor league player you can possibly be.

So that is what I told her. Step her game up. Oddly enough the lover said the same thing. Me thinks her lover is in the major leagues too. To be at the top of your game you can't sit back on your laurels and depend on natural talent. You have to hone your craft. Work at it. Read. Study. Explore. Practice. It takes a LOT of time and commitment to be on the top of the food chain and at any moment you can be picked off. Each time you step on the *ahem* field you need to have the attitude you are going to knock it out of the park. Athlete swagger for lack of a better term. Perhaps that is what separates the greats from the pretty goods.

I hope I provided my friend with some solid advice. I did NOT however give her any of my tips and secrets. Come on. Who gives away their playbook? It took years and years of research for me to get to where I am, there is NO WAY I am going to just hand that kind of knowledge over to an amateur. It would be like giving an Aston Martin over to a 14 year old who has never been behind the wheel of any vehicle in their life. Just not a good idea. Too much power in the wrong hands. It would shift the balance in the force.

In conclusion. Not everyone is a great lover, however you can be a great lover to someone who is working within your skill set. Scorpios have an unfair advantage as we are the rulers of sexual organs therefore preoccupied with sex. We can make anything sexual. Hell. I could make the bible downright freak nasty if I was half in the mood. Also, I haven't held the Geminis Suck in Bed Caucus in years since it seems to traumatize another one of my friends. I am quite certain Geminis still suck in bed but I don't want to ding anyone's self esteem unnecessarily.

FIN

Shit I Bought at Macy's December Edition.

2010-12-11T23:29:00.000-08:00

Well.. Ok. So... Yeah.. I tried my best NOT to buy stuff at Macy's.. I mean.. What is the use of a second job if you are blowing your paycheck on junk at said job? Did you say sounds like a wash? Yep. I think so too. I have gone WEEKS without purchasing ANYTHING from Macy's and believe me it was hella difficult.

The will is strong.. The flesh is weak.. Even someone who has as much willpower and determination as Oracle can break. So I did. I mean. How long do you expect me to work around such cool stuff and not bring some of it home? Plus I have justification for some of it. A friend of mine once told me intelligent people are masters at justification. So. Basically I am about to make a case for my intelligence. I got a GREAT DEAL on everything I bought. So honestly I SAVED money rather than spent it. AND I really really needed this stuff.. No.. I really did.. For real.

Without further preamble...

SHIT I BOUGHT AT MACY'S

Tiffany Sunglasses! Look at the cool Tiffany Blue case! It was worth buying the glasses for the case. Plus these glasses are adorable and have little hearts on the sides. I needed these glasses because the UV rays in Texas are much stronger than the ones on the East Coast so my eyes were taking a beating without proper protection. I am now fashionably guarded from the harmful Texas sun! Well worth the price. Plus I did get a discount on them.

A diffuser set. Everyone should use diffusers. They are not only lovely but so superior to plug ins. I needed these as I hate plug ins and burning candles is dangerous considering Puppykins is nosy and always manages to get hurt. Let's not forget Nairgate 2010.

Gray pearl and Hematite necklace. I so needed this! Hematite is a stone that has healing and grounding properties. It is for healing the body and defending the wearer from life's stresses. Hematite is great for inspiring inner peace. Pearls are also calming and centering. They give purity and promote faith, loyalty, integrity, truth, and charity. Pearls help women connect with the Goddess or feminine energy. Considering I work at the Nut Hut, I need this necklace as it promotes all the qualities I need to perform my job to optimum ability. Plus it is damn pretty. Sorta preppy chic.

Bobbi Brown cosmetics.. I mean come on. No need for justification. I NEED these things.

Channel Rouge Allure Laque. Honestly I am not going to try to justify this purchase. I wanted it. I have at least 30 different lip glosses. The price is ridiculously high, I've paid lower electric bills than what this lip gloss costs. But. It is worth it. If you have ever tried it, you will agree..

This cute little Pink Pig flashlight.. I need this for the Nut Hut.. After all I work nights!

I have obviously been a busy bee at work. Not so much doing my job, but walking around buying shit. Hopefully next week I will be back on the No Spending Wagon. If not. You can expect another post of my new stuff I wouldn't live without.

FIN

I Have Something To Say...

2010-12-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

Well.. Honestly.. There is something I have to do.. And.. I really do not want to do it. The entire task is going to bring up old wounds which never healed. I just learned to live with the dull pain and ache of them. Now. I have to explore down the canals of my memories and sip the bitter wine of my cleverly buried past.

I don't want to be a hero. Being a coward is much easier. Let someone else be the hero. I can be extremely supportive of heroes. I like working behind the scenes. No need to put me in the front of the parade like a majorette.

I'd rather be at home. In bed. Reading. Or just getting some much needed sleep. The entire task ahead of me has stressed me out so badly I have hives. Lovely. I suppose I'm going to have to dig deep and do what is right. I'd rather not. Unfortunately, I have no choice. This issue took on a life of it's own. Like yeast. It just keeps growing and growing.. I am living in my own Little Shoppe of Horrors. The plant has been fed and fed and fed and now it is out of my control.

Stay tuned. There shall be a follow up post when I collect myself.

FIN

The Day the Earth Stood Still

2010-12-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night, the earth stood still. Literally.. Stood still. For real. Let me explain.

There is nothing better on God’s green earth than well made Red Velvet cake.. NOTHING.. and I mean N O T H I N G! It is a slice of heaven or a bit of caker cake euphoria. It is just perfect. Not everyone has amazing Red Velvet cake but those who do, deserve their own holiday. Sprinkles has some of the best Red Velvet cupcakes I have ever tasted in my entire life.. Believe me.. I have had a LOT of cupcakes. Some exceptional and others worthy of the rubbish bin. In my never ending quest for the perfect Red Velvet cake, I stumbled upon a product so outstanding I have been tweeting about it nonstop since I’ve tasted it. What is it you ask.. RED VELVET ICE DAMN CREAM!

Oh My GOD! Is it the best thing I have ever put in my mouth. It is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth! This obsession started innocently enough when Baskin Robbins sent me an email announcing their special ice cream flavor for the month of December. Well.. Before I even tried it I was obsessed with it. How could you not be? The description was velvety chocolaty red velvet ice cream with ribbons of cream cheese frosting. Uh.. They had me at cream cheese frosting ribbons.

I was so hyped up about this ice cream I encouraged (read bullied) people I don’t even know in real life to go taste it. Never mind that I hadn’t tasted it personally yet. When I finally made it to Baskin Robbins (like 15 hours after I received the initial e-mail) I was smitten.. The guy who was working the counter that night happened to be quite attractive. I was dismayed the majority of the tub of Red Velvet ice cream was missing. Upon questioning Ice Cream Hawtness, he informed me it was a very popular flavor and his personal favorite. As far as I was concerned, his stamp of approval was all I needed. I didn’t even bother getting one of those ridiculously small pink spoon samples. No no no! Oracle dove right in by ordering a pint of Red Velvet ice cream. Before I even managed to leave the store, I had the top off and was digging into my velvety goodness.

Needless to say.. The ice cream is insanely good. Seriously.. For real.. I do not know how they translated red velvet cake into an ice cream and didn’t mess up the integrity of the product. It is. For lack of a better word.. PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. It is my contention that we should give out Red Velvet ice cream to ANYONE going through tough times. One spoon full of this frozen confection will have you swooning with joy.

I won’t go on and on waxing poetic about this ice cream but understand, it is the best thing you will ever put in your mouth! Go try it.. You are going to love it. Baskin Robbins has hit a home run with this ice cream, and I doubt they are even in the park anymore. Try it now.. You will thank me later.

FIN

Downsized

2010-12-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

Now that it has come to my attention I might just be a tad materialistic, I have been actively watching my spending habits. Basically, trying to downgrade. I went to Target yesterday because I needed to get a few new dresses for work and I didn’t want to spend a grip on them. Well. Let’s just say.. It didn’t go well. I think I might be a tad spoiled because I have been insulated in the bubble of higher end clothing for years. Working for Nordstrom ruined me. Things like double stitching and better quality fabrics are a mainstay in my closet. Although Target has “celebrity” designers they are definitely keeping the costs down by sacrificing on quality. This concept can totally be filed in the “You Can’t Get Something for Nothing” cabinet. You get what you pay for.. I would rather pay more for something that I really love than less for something that I would feel uncomfortable wearing. Nothing compares to the flattering fit and luxurious fabric of a DVF dress. NOTHING. In my estimation there is magic woven in Missoni prints and don’t even get me started on Prada and Miu Miu!

I am not knocking Target at all. The store has some great stuff, however their clothing lines are not Targeted towards me (tee hee hee I love a good pun). I also tried going to Old Navy. Same deal. Cute stuff but I just couldn’t get past the feel of the material. One sweater was so itchy I was convinced it harbored a colony of fleas in it. A skirt bunched up so oddly on me I wasn’t sure if it was the skirt or I had shape shifted into another body. My next stop was Buffalo Exchange. If you are not familiar with Buffalo Exchange, they market themselves as “upscale resale”. In laymen’s terms.. A snobby thrift store. Honestly, like all thrift stores from Purple Heart to the Goodwill to Twice as Nice the Buffalo Exchange had a pungent odor to it. I didn’t even bother looking through the racks. Basically I rolled snake eyes in this downsizing experiment.

So I started thinking. I have 3 closets full of beautiful clothes that are tailored to my shape. Well. They are tailored to the shape I was BEFORE I started working the graveyard shift. I have two options. I can either buy all new clothes which would cost a small fortune, OR I could lose weight which I have been trying and failing at on and off for the past couple of months. Then. Like a lightening bolt from Thor.. It hit me. Liposuction! Yes! The lazy girl’s way out of a losing battle with weight loss! I ran the idea by a few friends with varying degrees of acceptance. I did get more diet and exercise advice than I felt like listening to. Those conversations were cut radically short. In the end, it is my decision so instead of driving around town looking for clothes to fit my new and unimproved figure, I decided to research smart lipo.

Well.. The verdict is in.. SMART LIPO is for ME! I am going to do it. After the holidays are over, I am going to have smart lipo done. In the end, it is going to cost LESS than buying new clothes (especially since I adore my old clothes) which will be my version of downsizing. Perhaps my rationale makes no sense to many but it does to me and in the end that is all that matters. Thousands of dollars will be saved by not purchasing new clothes AND I will have my body back.. Win WIN WINNAH!

FIN

Scent of a Woman

2010-12-02T13:47:00.000-08:00

I take purchasing perfume quite seriously. The psychology of scent is fascinating. Certain smells provoke different reactions and moods in other people. Hell.. A spritz of my favorite perfume can totally transform my mood. I can feel confident, flirty, clean, or down right vampy sexy depending on which scent I choose. Each morning my perfume selection can take almost as much time as deciding which shoes to wear or my jewelry appropriation.

Lavender has a calming effect
Rosemary, peppermint, citrus, and lemongrass invigorate
Ylang-ylang, rose, sandalwood, jasmine are sensuous
Vanilla a standard happy smell

I have recently run out of the two fragrances I wear daily, so the expedition was on to find two new scents to replace the old ones. I wanted to update and refresh. When I chose those other scents last year I was in a different place. They were subtle feminine bouquets. Quiet ladylike tones which are soothing but not overwhelmingly sexy. Oddly enough they were also in pink bottles.. Go figure.

I was feeling like this

but now

I am feeling like this

Now I am in vampy kitten sex pot mode. I needed my emanation to reflect this new mood. It took a few months but I purchased these new scents.

I always have

and

as my extravagant perfumes for when I really want to make a statement without saying a word. I rarely wear these as I believe they deem a special occasion.

Recently I was turned onto Jo Malone scents (thanks to @blackpowerbunny) which can be pricey as well.. I only own

but plan to purchase more in the future. I have become a Jo Malone convert but I will never turn my back on Creed or Bond No 9.

I so desperately want this one next!

FIN

Tale of Two Visualization Boards

2010-12-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

I have always been a proponent of the power of positive thinking. What you put out into the universe comes back to you. It would take hours and many many posts to fully explain my doctrine and even then I am not sure I could clearly and succinctly express what I believe. My thoughts on spirituality are free flowing and ever evolving as I learn and experience life. I read the book The Secret a few years ago and got the idea for creating a visualization board. I wanted to harness the power of manifestation and incorporate it into my everyday life in a solid way. The first board I made, honestly I didn't give much thought to it. It was a bunch of random ideals and concepts on a board.

Flash forward about a year and EVERYTHING on the board came true. I was floored. Simply stunned. So I decided to make another more focused board. Yet again, many of the things I put on it came true. Effortlessly. Unfortunately, I wasn't as clearly focused as I had planned. Some of the things I put on there for lack of a better explanation confused the board. They were canceling each other out kinda like fire vs water. I needed to redo a more focused board.

Here is how I constructed my visualization board. I not only used manifestation components, but I added elements of Feng Shui for good measure.

This also happens to be a tattoo I have

I took a large piece of poster board and separated it into four quadrants.

Quadrant 1: the upper right area of the board. Write four words or phrases that characterize your current situation. They can be either positive or negative words or phrases. Example "Overweight" or "Blissfully Happy".

Quadrant 2: the lower right area of the board directly underneath quadrant 1. Write three or four positive phrases as goals you would like to achieve in three months. Put them down as power statements like "Get a well paying position with a company which values me as an employee". Don't write things like "I will win the lottery", as personal gain ideals do not mesh well with this type of endeavor. Be reasonable.

Quadrant 3: the upper left hand side of the board. Write down three or four long term goals (one year). This is the area to be more lofty like "I will marry the man of my dreams" and things of the like. You can be a bit unreasonable in this area. You never know what will happen!

Quadrant 4: the bottom left hand side of the board directly underneath quadrant 3. Write "THE PAST IS OVER".

Now that you have constructed your basic board, use the power of manifestation and visualization. I am not the most artistic (drawing and sketching) gal in high heels, so I had to be creative. I scoured magazines and cut out phrases and pictures which I believe directly collates to each quadrant. This powers the board further and keeps prying eyes from reading your personal business. Plus a lovely collage is always nice. I made mine very festive with lots of colors and pictures. I used phrases which describe myself now and also the person I want to be in the future. I even incorporated specific weight loss and health goals. I cut out 2 pictures of adorable little girls and wrote their names underneath them. The board has to reflect you.

Once I was finished I said a small prayer and replaced the old board with the new one. On my alter.

Here is the old board

Here is the new board

My "alter" which is actually a Korean desk I've had for ages. I keep all things personal and precious to me in this desk or on top of it. It is my spiritual place where I pray and meditate. The only other piece of furniture I adore as much as alter is my jewelry box.

Buddha actually several Buddha one small jade money luck Buddha.

Thai Spirit House- I keep Willie's last dog tag inside it.

Ashes of Willie

Correa Love bowl.. I keep it here to remind me to let love guide me.

Special stones.. I have a stone that says "Spirit", Hematite for grounding, Jasper to calm a troubled mind, Red Jasper to alleviate conflict, Picture Jasper to balance and aid in meditation, Labradorite strenghtens will and inner strength, Malachite to help release negative emotions, Morganite for compassion and empathy, Quartz amplifies psychic energy, Rose Quarts for love energy, Snowflake Obsidian for protection against emotional draining, Tigers Eye for clear thinking, and Turquoise to attract friendships also a healing stone.

I also have a few Rosaries, some Buddhist prayer beads, and a Mezuzah. When I am meditating I sit on Muslim prayer rugs I got while in the Middle East.

I encourage everyone to create a space in their house where they can quiet their mind and commune with the universe, God, Allah, Bhagwaan, Whaeguru, Elohim, or whatever you call the Giver of Light, Love, & Truth.

FIN

Well.. Damn! I Suppose SOME People are Right..

2010-11-30T20:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight it dawned on me.. I just might actually be materialistic. Honestly.. This comes a quite a shock. People have called me materialistic before. I just dismissed them as people with suspect taste OR jealous. In the past I fancied myself as "quality conscious" but after the incident which happened a few hours ago topped with some self reflection and evaluation.. It has become abundantly clear.. I am very materialistic.

Earlier today I decided I need new sunglasses.. Purchasing sunglasses holds about the same reverence as buying a swimsuit. If you don't pick the right one it is all kinds of wrong and bad. Nothing is worse (well there are many things which are worse but I digress) than someone wearing unflattering sunglasses. They can make or break an outfit. The wrong sunglasses can transform a thin person into a bug faced gaunt Rachel Zoe. On the flip side a person wearing glasses which are too small for their face can look like a Magilla Gorilla. Anyway.. Back to the story..

I was shopping for sunglasses and the darling sales girl was showing me all sorts of frames which flatter the shape of my face.. I have a "heart shaped" face. Isn't that cute? She is handing me pair after pair and I am dismissing them for one reason or another till I find a pair I actually liked. I was in the midst of telling her that I liked this particular pair when I looked on the arm of the sunglasses and saw "Ralph Lauren". There is absolutely nothing wrong with Ralph Lauren products by the way. I just want to say that as a preamble. I quickly removed the offensive glasses and said "No no no darling not these.. My last pair were Fendi. I can't downgrade to Ralph Lauren". I know right? How snobby am I? The sales girl took it all in stride and quickly handed me Prada glasses. After a few more tries I skipped out of the store with brand new Tiffany sunglasses which I absolutely love. However, this incident gave me pause for thought... Perhaps I am a bit materialistic...

Basically no matter who makes sunglasses if they are #1 flattering to your face and #2 have the right UV ray blocking lenses the important requirements are met. Who cares what company produces the glasses? Right? WRONG! I do but only when it comes to me. My best friends don't purchase high end sunglasses as they claim they lose them to easily so they aren't worth the investment. My case is a bit different. I buy a great pair of sunglasses and wear them for YEARS. The retired Fendi glasses have been in my possession since 2006 so to me they were a great investment. $300 sunglasses I have used for 4 years which balances out to about $6.25 a month to wear. In my humble opinion I have gotten my money's worth out of them. (sidebar- I can justify ANYTHING) I doubt if I purchased some less expensive glasses they would have held up for 4 years and looked as fabulous as the day I purchased them. HENCE why before today I always attributed my taste to being quality conscious.

Now I am not so sure. I might be BRAND SNOBBISH. Example.. I won't shop at Old Navy because I think the clothes are shoddily made, the stitching is poor, and the material is scratchy like Hobo newspaper. In contrast I shop at Banana Republic which is basically the SAME COMPANY. Old Navy to Gap to Banana Republic. Same company. Different price points.

Example.. I COULD drive a Toyota but instead I have a Lexus.. Which is.... A Toyota.

Example.. Instead of wearing a Anne Klein watch as an every day watch.. I wear a diamond Raymond Weil watch.

Example.. Wet & Wild nail polish .99 a bottle vs OPI which is $8 a bottle.

Example.. Dasani bottled water $1.29 or the Fiji water I prefer which is $2.59 a bottle.

Example.. MAC lip gloss $12 a tube instead I wear Chanel lip gloss which is $30 a tube.

A look which is elegant and effortless as this to the naked eye seems like an inexpensive outfit.

However, it takes a lot of money to look this chic.

The examples of how I upgrade are endless. I am picky about the sheets I sleep on, the food I eat, basically everything is upgraded.. And.. I'm worth it. I doubt I am going to change. Perhaps, only to upgrade even more.

FIN

I Am.. Missing My Home.. Reflections..

2010-11-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

butterfly in my driveway

everyday beauty

I am missing my home like crazy. I miss the fresh air of the Tar Heel State. The smell of my house. I miss the view of the lake from my kitchen window and the view of the forest from my bedroom window. I miss the peacefulness of the Fortress of Solitude as Anne calls it. I miss walking along the trails of my neighborhood. The golfers out in all kinds of weather in their godawful outfits. I miss swinging in the playground a few feet from my garage and swimming in the pool. I want to go fishing in the lake, spending hours and catching nothing. I miss my friends who make me happier than a child with two lollipops. I want to take the canoe named the Lil Ev after my Mommy out on the tranquil waters making ripples each time I dip my oar into the lake. I miss the sound of my Mother's laughter and her sporadic cooking since she claimed she "retired" from making meals for me.The smell of freshly cut grass. I miss the undeniable beauty of the Carolinas which in contrast make my exile in outpost Texas even more aesthetically UNpleasing. The leaves are turning from green to vibrant gold, red, purple, and orange. I feel like I am missing out on all things which make my home wonderful. In contrast I bear witness to everything drab, vulgar, and ugly. I am more thankful for my home than ever. I know it will be waiting for me whenever I want to experience it again.

the view from my kitchen window

FIN

The Real Housewives of (insert random city in America which has women with too much free time)

2010-11-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

It is no secret I am addicted to to reality TV. I don't know if it is the psych in me who loves to analyze things (I fully know this crap is scripted) or just a voyeuristic urge to peek into the lives of extremely lackadaisical overly primped, plucked, plastic surgeried and painted women. I spend hours upon hours on twitter pointing and laughing about the pure fuckery these bitches allow to be filmed each week. Annnnd it all started with a little show on Bravo called The Real Housewives of OC.

These women had NO idea what they started. Five women living the life in Coto de Caza, Orange County letting a camera crew film their lives then cleverly edit and splice story lines together to make them look even more foolish and desperate than they could accomplish on their own. We have the bitchy villain Vikki Gunvalson, the sexy young gold digger with a heart Jo De La Rosa, the businesswoman turned super mom Kymberly Bryant, high end real estate agent with the out of control kids and the Playboy past Jeana Keough, and lastly the single mom with dreams of marrying up Lauri Waring. Who knew the lives of suburban women raising families would be more interesting. Little did we know these pampered princesses lived lives like the rest of us. Job losses, humongous debt due to living outside of their means, foreclosure, cheating spouses, sexless marriages, serious illness, terminal cancer, work schedules so packed they barely parent their children... the list goes on and on..

I will say out of the flames of poverty Lauri rose like a gold digging Phoenix and managed to marry a millionaire. She accomplished the Pretty Woman dream.

From OC more cities were recruited to embarrass their citizens through the absurdness of the behavior of bored ass "housewives".

Much to my delight.. The Real Housewives moved to my favorite place in the world.. NEW YORK CITY! I loved everything! It filled my need for a NY fix since Sex in the City left me like a disgruntled lover in the middle of the night. Watching these women navigate the streets of Manhattan in black towncars and seeing the skyline of NYC almost made Texas tolerable for one hour a week. Then.. The CAT FIGHTS started. No woman can brawl like a chick from NYC. NO WOMAN! In Real Housewife fashion there were spats between the women over basically nothing.. A slight here a jab there. Out of no where powie! Nude photos of Alex McCord from the past surfaced, after seeing them I wish they had stayed buried. Bethenny Frankel ran off a sorta fiancee and he eventually lost his job. She eventually snagged a husband, baby, and her own spin off show. Jill Zarin started off as the warmhearted momma of the bunch then before our eyes turned into a mean girl clicky bitch. Countess uh can we call her Countess now? Um.. LuAnne de Lesseps husband the Count dumped her for some African princess and she was catapulted out of her posh Manhattan townhouse into her just as cushy home in exile in the Hamptons. Then horror of horrors.. She started singing. Money may not be able to buy you class but it can provide voice lessons. Ramona Singer with the crazy eyes and always saying the wrong thing at the right time provided hours of entertainment.

My very favorite moment of all time from the NY cast was when Kelly Bensimon went nuts in the Caribbean.. EPIC! With pictures like this it is HARD to believe she was/is a model.

Then wonder of wonder.. They thought it would be a marvelous idea to take the crazy train to Atlanta! The cast has been shaken up several times but the drama still remains Georgia peach flavored and deadly as an oleander bloom. NeNe Leeks can only be described as a shiny penny from the ghetto. Kim Zolciak is the biggest spending, no job having, sucking penis for a Bentley, materialistic old prostitute television has ever seen. This Big Poppa business is so ridiculous, and just when we were about to really get sick of her, she started singing. NeNe and Kim are permanent frienenimies.

Best quote ever "Kim is a low down dirty monkey with a wig on" I can't even type that without laughing till tears roll down my cheeks. Sherree Whitfield had a secret love child she tried to keep hidden, as I suppose having a kid who is in her mid 20's forces Sherree to either be older than she wants to portray or a slutty hot in the ass teenager. She also *cough* designs clothes and *double cough* acts. Another delusional woman spending her way right into debt oblivion. Khandi Burrus an accomplice on the horrid song Tardy for the Party usually has a boring story line. Although, her former fiancee who was the father of over 10 children was murdered. Still kinda boring. The two new members of the cast seem snooze worthy so I won't bother mentioning them. Well.. I will say Phaedra Parks being a lawyer married to a felon does have quite a twist. I can't wait to see where this is going.

I do love Dwight and all of his gay extra fabulousness.. How could you not? He is just soo ghey.

Then Jersey got it's shot. Ludicrous! These women really cranked up the crazy to level ten then turned the knob a few more times for good measure. Danielle Staub (her current name) showed how insane a person could really be. She played the victim like old Miss Haversham in her crumbling home. THEN.. Her past came up. Hooker, drug addict, FBI informant, the list goes on and on.. Mostly.. Danielle is the loser of friends.

Danielle in her "Love and Light" moment no doubt. How can we forget the wonderful table flipping incident at dinner?

This is either the face of someone ferociously pissed off OR the face of someone insane... OR both... You choose. Either way the phrase "prostitution whore" has been used around my home many many times since much to my delight.Teresa Giudice went totally banannas and sent the whole room running for cover when she flipped the table, or the moniker on the show "Italian Table Flip". On another note, everyone wants to have Carloine Manzo as their mother. Hands down she seems like one of the most grounded women out of all the Housewives Franchises. Plus she is just damn cool.

The Housewives of DC were so boring.. So very very very boring I am not even going to break down the season. The best card they could have played was the White House Crashers. The Salahis! They are on another planet seriously. They have financial problems average people could never fathom, yet jet off to Paris to a hip hop concert and waltz into the White House as if they own it. PRICELESS. By the way.. WHO names a horse Sparkle?

She does! She also looks foolish in that sari. Quick someone force feed her some soul food so she can stop looking like a gaunt escapee from the Bastille. Pale and half dead. The woman looks 1.5 pounds above organ failure.

Now it is Beverly Hills turn to commingle us. These women actually HAVE money. Lisa VanderPump, Adrienne Maloof, Camille Grammer, and Kim Richards have undeniable money. They also have mild drama. Well.. Actually Camille Grammer seems like she is bipolar. What an uber bitch! No wonder Kelsey left her ass.. She is so delusional she actually called Kelsey "the greatest actor in the world".. Huh? What? This instillation of the Housewives is rather boring but I do like watching the lives of actual wealthy people.

They recently had a casting call for Houston. I can't wait to see who will step off of the Preposterous Train in the Lone Star State. Chances are.. It is going to be hilarious. My finger is ready for pointing and I'm ready to laugh.

FIN

Black FRIDAY BLACKOUT!

2010-11-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

Sooo yeah.. I picked up a part time job at Macy's to quell the credit card debt. So far I am doing pretty good about not spending a ton of money at the old J-O considering I REFUSE to buy clothes until I lose weight. However, perfume and cosmetics always fit so I find myself lusting after Chanel Rouge Allure lipgloss and Michael Kors perfume. My willpower is being tested every time my heels tap through the doors. Buuuuut anyway this post is about Black Friday and the mayhem which ensued today.

Macy's opened at 4AM this morning. Most of my co-workers are tucked snugly in their beds at 4AM but for me that is Prime Time at the Nut Hut.. Needless to say I was ELATED to find myself scheduled to open the store. Then.. I was frightened.

For years I have watched the type of madness Black Friday entails. People camping outside of stores to be in the first wave of shoppers to get the greatest bargain. Hoards of shoppers grabbing and snatching merchandise that no doubt will be returned sometime during the months of January or February. Yet, each year die hard shoppers, their families, and significant others brave the over crowded stores, parking lots filled to capacity, and tired over it sales associates to find the perfect gift for the perfect price.

When I pulled up blasting Jay Z at 3:30 this morning I was STUNNED to see a line of people out in THE RAIN wrapped around the building. For a second I thought perhaps Jesus scheduled a Miracle Giveaway in the store and no one told me. As I made my way to the employee entrance my fascination grew exponentially when people started asking me questions about where certain items were located in the store. As if it was a treasure hunt and I had valuable clues to help them in their quest. Once again accustomed to being awake at this hour I was more friendly and cordial than I would be at sayyyy about 3PM but we will get to that.

Inside the store was buzzing with activity and most of the employees were hype. Especially ones who work in commission departments (ME). The lights had barely come on when the floodgates opened and people started racing into the store. I WAS HORRIFIED! The only thing that can come close to the stampede of shoppers is the running of the bulls in Spain. For once I was thankful the jewelry department associates are safely behind a locked gate. There were people everywhere! The escalator had so many people on it I thought I had been transported to an amusement park and the escalator was the feature ride attraction.

From 4 to 1 there were non-stop people! I doubt I have ever worked harder or more efficiently in my life. And.. It PAID OFF.. Literally. No.. Seriously. Technically I am considered an "on-call" employee. (basically I work for my discount but not enough to be hounded about sales goals and clientele) I outsold all of the other employees by laps. The full time women are some of the highest sellers in the company and have the accouterments to prove it. All sorts of stars and plaques commending them for their ability to part a fool *ahem* customer and their money. I killed them. I totally killed them. I have no idea if it was pure motivation, or my sense of competitiveness but I felt we were all on an even playing field and they were going down. And they did. All of them. In flames.

Were my phenomenal sales due to my charming personality? Or could it have been I was just lucky? Or perhaps my super psych abilities were running in overdrive? Who knows? I DO know I made my sales goal by 287% and that is all that matters as once again.. I work in a COMMISSION department. CHA-CHING!!! Needless to say by the time my shift ended at 4; I was exhausted, my feet were killing me from wearing 6 inch platform sparkly heels, I was starving but too tired to figure out what I wanted to eat, and most of all... SICK OF TALKING! I plan on spending all of Saturday in bed as I wisely took the night off from the Nut Hut in anticipation of my patience being completely drained.

So Black Friday.. A day when all retail establishments books go from being in the red to being in the black. Retail heaven and I was a well dressed angel. Instead of spending copious amounts of money, I actually made money so for me it was a win win winnah!

FIN

Breakfast Lunch and Dinner at Tiffany's

2010-11-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

I think all girls have a love affair with things from Tiffany.. I mean.. How can you not? Even the most tomboyish of women get giddy when they see the unmistakable Tiffany Blue Box. I have been lucky enough to receive one once in my life. I still have warm fuzzies about the person who gave it to me. Tiffany Box = Free Pass for a lifetime.

Flash forward about 8 years later. I have this great charm bracelet and I never bothered to put charms on it. They were so popular I stopped wearing mine for a while. I try to say a few laps past the current trend than rather than on trend. However, that doesn't negate I have a TIFFANY BRACELET! I need to wear it move often. Most people just wear theirs with the original toggle and don't add charms to it. I decided to add charms to mine. Luckily they are affordable. Perhaps with some help from my friends and a 1 charm a month plan in about 6 months my bracelet will be complete. Wish me luck!

Oracle's Tiffany Charm List

don' mignon et accessible t que vous pensez

FIN

Things on My Mind Tuesday

2010-11-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

Um Ok. Not trying to phone in a blog or anything, but I have a lot of things on my mind. Instead of trying to separate them into individual posts which would force me to really dissect what is going on in my life, I am just going to list them. Anyone who reads these little ditties I come up with knows how much I love listing things. I also love pictures. And on to..

Oracle's Things I am Thinking about Tuesday

I was forced to go to a stupid employee meeting at the Nut Hut on my day off.. Basically it was about gossiping and we were chastised like small children for about an hour not to gossip. What a fuckin waste of my time. Number 1. I am still going to gossip. Number 2. The people the meeting was really about are going to continue their little chess game against each other which is going to cause me to.. GOSSIP MORE. I don't have a dog in that fight so I am going to stand on the sidelines like Switzerland and watch the fallout and GOSSIP about it. On the upside of this, I was the best dressed person in the room. Then again. I am USUALLY the best dressed person. It is always my mission to out dress everybody and that day they could kiss my Coach shoes. What a waste of my damn time. FU NUT HUT FU!

In other Nut Hut news.. The man I have a huge crush on is moving back to day shift. So my nightly conversations with one of the very few people at el casa de crazy is being taken away from me. I am going to be honest. I'm selfish. I want him to stay on this shift to entertain me. Moving back to the day shift is the best decision for him since he never managed to acclimate to working over night but I will miss him. I doubt we will have any interaction from this point on. I feel like a good friend is moving across country and I will never see them again. People come into your life for a reason. Perhaps he served his purpose by giving me a push in the right direction. He did get my off my complacent ass and got me to start working on a master plan. So for that.. I am grateful.. It didn't hurt he is a handsome devil as well. Sometimes I wonder in a different time and a different place.. I am starting to sound like an Erykah Badu song. Yet.. I still wonder if the final chapter was been written for our story.

I am sick of being fat.. Actually.. I am sick of being in my own head about being fat. Many people men and women are always telling me I am not fat. Yet, I tune them out and play the internal track in my head of "you are such a fatass". I know how my weight loss works. If I am depressed (totally residing in Depressionville) I am heavier.. When I am happy I am as light as a feather. I need to get my head out of my ass and work on being happier, otherwise I might need a motorized chair to get around soon.

I need to work on being less scorpio. What does that mean? It means I set people up to fail miserably. I outwardly proclaim I have no expectations of people yet secretly I set up elaborate tests I expect people to pass. Without prepping them OR giving them a playbook. I expect people to read my mind and know exactly what to do and when to do it. Worst part. When people do not live up to my invisible expectations I punish them. How crazy am I? Very crazy I must say. I am going to work on being more communicative towards telling people how I REALLY feel. I am going to work on not constructing a mine field of trials. I am also going to try to stop treating people like experiments. I have a habit of predicting things and sitting back waiting for the results. I must say I am accurate to about .09%. I doubt I will be tossing about my opinions like a bridal bouquet, but I will be more proactive in the lives of my friends.

I am still trying to give up Coke.. I managed to go 3 days without drinking one. I had a headache today after another EPIC argument with el exeo and went straight for a Coke. It is not only a comfort emotional response but a headache killer. Either way. I need to back away from Coke.

Meh.. I am most likely thinking about a zillion other things, but this list is enough for now.. I am wondering who I will develop a crush on next. My life is full of kindergarten crushes. I learned that phrase from Sting. He deserves credit for" kindergarten crush" catchphrase. Usually I don't give people credit for any damn thing. I take it over as if it is my own but he is #1 a Scorpio (you don't want to cross us) and #2 has a cool name. Soooo.. I respect him. Annnnnd I'm done!

Oh maybe I will stop cursing.

FIN

Dear Santa...

2010-11-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,
I have no idea why I am constructing this list to waste your time as I haven't been even close to a good girl this year or last year or.. well.. Anyway.. If I HAD been a good girl there are a host of things I feel I deserve. Especially since I haven't received a single Christmas gift for over 6 years. Well. Not exactly true. My friends and Mom have thrown stuff my way, but an old fashioned Christmas.. Well.. That has been elusive since Dad died. Which by the way really puts a damper on the holidays, but I digress. I am pretty depressed and currently secretly feeling very sorry for myself. So perhaps if you could find your way to my house with a few goodies in your bag for me that would be greatly appreciated. However, if you decide to skip over my house and go directly to the Nut Hut and give those badasses stuff.. Well.. I will understand. They LIKE ME are away from their friends and family this holiday season so a haul of material possessions could and will ease their pain. I plan on drowning mine in whiskey and a ton of sad ass songs. Anyway.. Here is my Christmas List if you are feeling generous and want to take pity on a bitter old shrew.

ORACLE'S CHRISTMAS LIST

TRUE BLOOD DVD BOX SET ALL SEASONS

GUCCI BAG (Not Fake)

IPAD

HELLO KITTY IPAD CASE

GEORGETOWN CUPCAKES

ALCIDE HEVEREAUX (it is a WISH list)

DAVID YURMAN RING

CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN SHOES

PINK MOTHER OF PEARL DIAMOND GUCCI WATCH

IPHONE WITH HELLO KITTY BLING COVER

PINK IPOD NANO

PINK LOUIS VUITTION WALLET

MANOLO BLAHNIK SHOES

18 INCH 10 MM STRAND OF PINK PEARLS

THE BODY OF TARA FROM TRUE BLOOD

All of this is well and good on the materialistic side of things, but all I really need for Christmas is:

THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS

THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER

THE LOVE OF FRASIER C PUPPYKINS

That is all that really matters and I have all of it already.

However a trip to Thailand wouldn't hurt.

FIN

Truths About Life People Are Too Polite To Say.. But I'm NOT!

2010-11-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

You can't change other people. It is rude and stupid to try. All that will happen is you will be tired, pissed off, and perhaps divorced. Psychotropic drugs may also factor in the equation.

If you are talking to someone you don't know well, chances are they may know a helluva lot more about the subject being discussed than you do. There is a great possibility you could come off looking like a total jackass.

People that get to the point quickly are listened to 100% more than those who tell long convoluted stories. Nothing is more annoying than listening to someone and running out of patience before the soliloquy is over.

Bad moods come and go.. Just ride with it.. They are fun and trying to suppress them will just make then last longer.

People embellish everything for dramatic effect or to make themselves look better or others look worse. Either way, use division and subtraction when listening to a story.

Putting something off makes it not only harder but more insurmountable. Just take a deep breath and a leap of faith. You will feel better on the other side.

Blame is a tool of those who dislike taking responsibility for their foibles.

Getting truly organized can streamline and simplify your life.

Posture, clothing, and the way you present yourself have a profound effect on how you feel as well as how others view you. Nobody likes a slouchy slob.

The urge to punish others has more to do with venting frustration than correcting the offensive behavior. Just talk it out. Saves time on punishing the person again when the behavior persists and it will.. Believe me.

Everyone is a hypocrite. EVERYONE

The easiest way to make someone's day is to be extremely pleasant and polite. Cheap way of paying it forward.

There are not enough women in power positions.. The world has suffered due to this appalling fact.

Sometimes you have to excavate people from your life to be happy.. This includes family. Frequently.

Music can change a mood instantaneously.

Wishing your life was different is an excellent and efficient way to torture yourself. Make a list of the changes you would like to make then work on it. Be goal oriented.

Credit card debt is a trick of evil minions from hell forcing us to slave away at jobs we hate and sell out souls for minimum payments.

Most of what we see is what we believe we see. Just do the gorilla experiment. Shocking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo&feature=related

If you are miserable single a relationship is just going to highlight it and multiply the unhappiness by 2.

Everyone thinks they are an exceptional lover. This is only true if you are a Scorpio. Trust me. Scorpios are phenomenal lovers. (this was the MOST IMPORTANT FACT)

FIN

All My Exes Live in Texas

2010-11-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

The *cough* great state of Texas hasn't been good to me. Basically, since I have been here I have endured heartache and pain.. Trials and tribulations.. Struggles and more struggles.. All my hard work has garnered... MORE HARD WORK.. I feel like a modern day Ulysses and being in Texas is my Trojan War.. Getting home is my Odyssey.. The East Coast is my Ithaca.

I could give a detailed accounting of how much Texas has sucked but it would take hours to type out all of the horrors I have endured while I am here.. I am not in the mood to type until my fingers bleed so I will keep it brief.

TOP TEN SUCKY THINGS THAT HAPPENED WHILE IN TEXAS

Journey to Houston took 2 days, numerous arguments, threats to turn around, and a host of other complications.
Finding out I married basically a total stranger who bitched with the efficiency of a pissed off mother.
My beloved Volvo died which forced me to get a new car subsequently a car payment after years of payment free living.
HURRICANE IKE.
Numerous mental break downs and piecing myself together with Xanax and wine.
Deciding to stop self medicating with Xanax and wine.
Death of Willie the greatest dog in the world. More Xanax and wine.
Death of my already on life support sex life.
Living in a house I absolutely hate.
DIVORCE

HONORABLE MENTION- Gaining 40 pounds of depression weight

Sooo yeah.. Texas has sucked 4 good years out of me with the productivity of a starving vampire. You gotta know when to hold um and know when to fold um. The universe is obviously sending me a clear message. Kinda like in the Amityville Horror.. When the people walked in the house and the scary voice said "Get OUT" they stayed.. Only to suffer catastrophe after calamity. I think I kinda didn't listen to the GET OUT voice when I got here. For years I kept plugging away trying to scratch out a life in a place hostile to me. When I could have saved myself all kinds of quandaries by listening to the initial warning.

Well universe.. Lesson learned.. I will listen next time and stop usurping your wisdom for mine. As it is obvious and abundantly clear I am not wise nor full of as much enlightenment as I like to think I have. So in the words of the great Kenny Rodgers.. I know when to walk away and I know when to RUN.. Right back to the East Coast..

FIN

I Don't Have a Birthday but If IDid.. It Was Yesterday.

2010-11-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

So basically all the people who are close to me know to tread lightly about celebrating or even mentioning the day I was born. I am very age sensitive.. Hell.. I am age VAIN. The entire thought of getting older.. Well.. It annoys me. I admit the wiser part is pretty kick ass but I am learning as the years tick by, your body starts revolting on you.

Once a long time ago there was this starry eyed hot bodied chick who had the world under her stilettos. She knew everything, could charm anyone, and everything went her way. Perhaps the universe thought she had it too good.. Or maybe she used all of her luck and charm up instead of spreading it out during her lifetime. Either way.. That chick is gone.. Long gone.. Distant memory. In her place is a soft bodied, somewhat smart mouthed, cagey, super distrustful and hella bitter woman. Doesn't sound like an upgrade does it? Life.. Living life does things to you. It ages you in many ways.

Well.. I refuse to age. I am not letting the process of ageing do another thing to me. Hence the no birthdays. This concept perplexes people but it makes perfect sense to me. When people ask me how old I am (after I shoot them the coolest of looks) I always respond by asking them "How old do I look?" If I like the age, then I say thank you. I'm residing somewhere between deception and non disclosure which is perfectly fine with me.

I am not anti-birthdays. Just no birthday for me please.. The last birthday I had which was absolutely a blast was when I turned 30. What a great year. Then. Well. It went downhill from there. I got married to a man who didn't make a big deal of birthdays. He wanted to go out to eat, but since we used to eat out oh about 3 to 4 nights a week anyway.. What was the point? And gifts? FORGET IT! He would tell me to buy something I wanted which just like eating out I was doing anyway. Soo.. As the years pressed on I just sorta gave up on my birthday. I was conditioned by proxy. On the other side of this I am learning that people give a damn about my birthday and actually want to make it nice for me. I am now working towards being gracious and less uncomfortable about this whole birthday thing.

I am holding out hope that I will eventually end up with a significant other who KNOWS me.. Who knows I want cupcakes AND an ice cream cake for my birthday. He would know what perfume I wanted and to wrap it up with PINK wrapping paper and a PINK bow. He would take me out to dinner someplace special and NOT tell the wait staff it was my birthday so they would be forced to sing to me. We would then go to a play or a concert. Afterwards instead of going home we would go to a hotel. One which had a flower arrangement that didn't include a single rose. I am sure all the adults in the audience can figure out the rest of this scenario. I'm a Scorpio. My gratitude expressed sexually is an amazing thing. The next morning I would wake up with a velvet box containing some amazing piece of jewelry.

Yeah.. THAT is the kind of birthday I have always wanted and never gotten. But. I know in time it will happen. So I will be patient. Until then. No birthdays. But thanks for the well wishes. I truly appreciate them.

Oh and one more thing.. @msannek wrote such a lovely post about me.. I would like to publicly thank her for being such an awesome friend and putting pictures of me I actually LIKE up. She claims I guard my image like an ageing starlet. Annnnnd.. She is right.

FIN

Random Quotes about Being A Woman..

2010-11-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

ain't that the truth? I still think of myself as about 25 or so.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

Other times Jack Daniels.

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

I hate when reality interrupts my carefully constructed world of fantasy.

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

Ain't that the truth. I don't have the same body or boobs of a 20 year old.. The consolation is I am much smarter.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

I know I am always shocked they pulled it off.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

This applies to everything and is not limited to politics. Men love to legislate women make things happen with less talk and more action.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome

Men will never ever be as tough or resilient as women.

The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.
-Jane Sellma

FIN

Happy Happy Birthday Baby!

2010-11-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today is a historic day. Frasier C Puppykins was born November 10th, 2009 in the most humble of beginnings, however I soon fixed that.

After Willie passed away there was a hole in my heart that just couldn't be filled.. I was lost, sad, lonely, and confused. I was accustomed to 4 paws following my every step and two of the kindest eyes watching my every move. I knew I needed another pet. It took me months of researching to narrow down the type of puppy I would get. I looked into breeds with the same dedication I put into writing my Master's Thesis. Finally I decided I wanted a Boston Terrier. There was no way I could have another Springer Spaniel. It would just be too hard for me.

I also wanted a specific birth date. Only I am loony enough to believe astrology also effects the personalities of pets. A scorpio pup was the ONLY way to go for me. After all. The love of my life is a scorpio, I am a scorpio, the man of my dreams is a scorpio, I have lots of friends that are scorpios.

Baby Frasier C Puppykins

For weeks I scrutinized breeders on the Internet looking for a litter of Boston Terriers which would be born in November. In hindsight I was more concerned about when the puppy would be born rather than the quality of the breeder. Big Mistake. The breeder I eventually chose was nothing more than a puppy mill. In the back of my mind I knew this woman was wonky but I was so focused on my puppy being born in the week of the charmed I didn't listen to reason. Reason being Anne. I sent her a link to the website of the *cough* breeder and the only thing she could say was "PUPPY MILL" and if that wasn't enough she provided pictures.. Well.. Anne's type of clowning pictures.

I bought him anyway against Anne's MUCH better judgment. Even after the second installment of pictures.

Once I picked him up I saw for myself live, uncut, and in person how much of a terrible place the Puppy Mill actually was. My companion called it a "Redneck House" but in actuality it was a trailer with a bunch of dog houses outside. I couldn't wait to whisk my puppy away to freedom.

Him so cute!

Despite his paperwork, I am convinced he isn't a pure bread Boston Terrier. They are little dogs. Frasier is a Goliath with long model legs, although still has a ton of Boston Terrier traits. Either way. I just love him. He is a little badass, but he is mine. So happy happy birthday baby..

When I named him Frasier after the character Frasier on the TV show I had NO idea he would basically act just like him. Snobby and unconcerned with most people. Sullen and disapproving look on his face most of the time. Bossy. Affinity for ripping up paper. Sleeping in his toy box, so all the toys are scattered everywhere. Hater of Bitter Apple Spray. Lover of all clothing products which belong to me. Bear humping even after being neutered. Fiercely protective of his Momma.. Luckily she loves you very much, little badass.

Oh and Frasier, thanks for not getting mad at me for accidentally getting Nair on you.. Twice. The hair grew back nicely.

I was worried that patch of missing hair would never grow back.

FIN